Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

Friend in physically abusive relationship

A very good friend of mine has been in a relationship for 4 months. I really liked the guy and thought that he seemed like a good fit for her. She hasn't really dated anyone since I've known her which has been about 5 years. About a month ago after a night out where drinking was involved, they got in an argument and it turned physical. The only people present were the two of them and his brother. I know there was pushing on both sides and apparently she bit him. He pushed her into a wall (and left a huge hole) and started choking her and didn't stop until his brother stepped in and asked him to stop. He let her go and then proceeded to get a gun out of his car, load it and hold it up to her forehead. I eventually got a call at about 3am and had to go pick her up. The next day, he returned with a police escort to get his things. From the way she talked, she had cut off contact with him and was going to move on. A couple of weeks later, a close family member died and he called her so this started contact again. A week after that another family member died and she didn't leave his side the whole week. Fast forward to now, and she is back together with him, they are in "love" and we are now not speaking. I have spoken my mind on this subject to her and she does NOT see the big deal with him putting a gun to her head whatsoever. I know this is long, but I just wonder as a friend, what I should do as this has severely hurt our relationship. I realize the situation is dangerous but there is no way I can change her mind, no matter what I say. I would appreciate all opinions.
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replied November 30th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
I guess I should say what you know is terrifying but not necesarilly everything. You're describing a single instance of extreme voilence abuse is a pattern. Granted part of that pattern is bad treatment followed by a plea for support but you can't say that her boyfriend is abusive because of cirumstances in a single night as retold from her point of view. You don't know how drunk they were or the character of the argument they had. You don't know if he is taking medicaitons that react adversely with alcholol or if he is in therapy for anger or voilence issues that is now progressing well. Maybe having beloved relatives that were ailing or in fear for their lives was a massive stressor in his life that is now not an issue for him.

If you really care for your friend's wellbeing be her friend. Get back into her life and evaluate what's going on with her boyfriend accurately and if intervention is needed, intervene.
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replied December 27th, 2009
Community Volunteer
Hi kadeepoo,

See if you can get his brother to talk to her about the serious of having a gun pointed to her head. you have done what a good friend should do, not tolerate that kind of behavior, expressed your dislike of it and told her it is unhealthy. At some point she had to stop being in denial.

Faded Rose
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replied May 27th, 2010
Experienced User
Kadeepoo

While it is obviously quite possible that this man is on the mend, or, is now entirely mended, it`s also as possible that his tendency to violence is moving in the contrary direction. Let others concern themselves for a fix, while you continue doing what you`re doing, and never even think to judge a man where a friends welfare is concerned other than by his actions. When they say he`s cured, don`t even trust him then!
Stop trying to talk your friend away, put this to one side entirely, after that, compete for her friendship by being empathetic, free of time, and unconditional - It`s highly supportive tp think of friends enough to buy them gifts. To help her she must experience being your best friend, and at the same time, you must not whatever happens expect the same measure of friendship returned.
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replied May 31st, 2010
well, i can understand that you are vary of this guy as you saw him turn violent at drop of a hat and you just do no take off things again after such kind of turmoil in relationship, but what can you do or say, let me tell you, love or even infatuation blind people from seeing each others faults or bad things and this is what is happening to your friend, it will take another round of abuse for her to wake him from it which i hope does not take place as you guys were there then, what if no one is around the next time!! it is important to know if the gun he had was licensed or not?? make sure stay away from the guy but talk to your friend and tell your concerns so that if anything bad happens, you dont feel guilty!! believe me relationship are like that and people turn blind eyes to each other and this is what leads to fight later on!!!
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