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Freaking out bc of hangman's noose

Hello,

I have decided to post on here because i feel really desperate. Because of complications with my family which goes back 5 years, I am really freaking out about myself. I feel worthless and feel like I don't deserve to be happy. Whenever I try to clear my thoughts, I see the hangman's noose. It is scaring me to the point that I am too scared to be alone with my own thoughts. I try to keep myself occupied but sometimes when my mind wanders, I see the hangman's noose flashing before my eyes.

I have been having nightmares and I feel generally down and out. I went through a lot with my family and it has left some scars which are taking their time to heal. There are the odd days where I feel really good, but that doesn't last long, and I am back on this again. I don't know what to do. I am tearing my hair out. I am currently living with my boyfriend and I haven't been able to talk to him about this. I am also working in a job I hate, working like a dog but earning peanuts and despite being a psychologist (I know, major irony there) not being where I want to be. I live in my boyfriend's flat where he loves reminding me that the flat belongs to him and rubs it in my face that I haven't achieved much. That people my age have their own place, their own car etc. I try to save money but how can I when I earn peanuts? I am driving myself insane. As my bf doesn't want children, I am terrified of being pregnant. There are times where I forget if I have taken the pill, and even though I am confident I have, I will take another one just in case. Everything is bringing me down. I can't afford to move out and I honestly feel like I am close to crashing and burning. I cry a lot at home and also at work when no one is there. I feel like no one understands. It's like the people around me are moving on and doing well with their lives and I am stuck.

The hangman's noose is the one that is terrifying me the most. I am really scared. I am thinking of seeing a psychologist about my problems. I don't know what to do until then. I do breathing exercises and try to do activities that make me happy, but these are just short term solutions. Anyone else who can relate in some way? I have only talked to one person about this and I really freaked her out. I don't want to cause a fuss which is why I am hesitant to tell my boyfriend....I am so confused. Sad
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replied March 14th, 2013
Hi, don't know what part of the world your in. I am in Oz (Australia). I think first and foremost, you are not getting any support from your boyfriend and it sounds like there are some gaps in what you want, eg, freaking out about getting pregnant. If he partakes in the fun with you, then it is just as much his responsibility and you shouldn't be made to feel like you carry all the burden. He actually sounds like a control freak (telling you it is his place and putting you down). You need to get away from this man, you will only end up going further down the spiral. I was with a guy that was possibly the best manipulator in the world, mental abuse. I "escaped" and had to move back in with my parents, which is not ideal, but If i had stayed with him I wouldn't be here by now. Try and break down all the things that you would want to change, write in down or something, and tackle each thing, one at a time. It is great that you are still working because as much as you may not like it, it is keeping you occupied for that space of time and should make you feel proud. Maybe tackle the living situation first and see what solutions you could come up with. Is there share accommodation? I know sometimes this doesn't seem like a good idea, but at the moment you are sharing with someone (your boyfriend), who is obviously making you feel worse. I won't make this too long, but I'll check on this post regularly. I am thinking of you.
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replied March 14th, 2013
Thank you so much for your reply.

I left my family 5 years ago after some cultural problems (extremely long story but that is another thread altogether) and I guess I feel totally alone as a result. I can't contact them for my own safety.

I am from the UK but moved to Germany to get away from my family. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend is a great person, he was the one who helped me leave my family. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be alive because the emotional and psychological abuse my family were putting me through was destroying me. I self-harmed, was addicted to painkillers and attempted suicide 3 times. I am an Indian woman so you can understand the cultural pressures we are under to ahere to the cultural norm. I was too modern for them and they punished me for having a boyfriend (not the current one). They were strict anyway because I am a girl and wasn't allowed to do what people deem normal, but my life became 10 times worse after that because I was perceived as ruining the family honour. I managed to get away from them but it had to be done in secret so they didn't discover my intentions - I don't think I would ever see daylight again if they got an idea of what I was planning to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and at times it hasn't been easy. I was literally a prisoner at home so I am struggling to find myself. Five years on, and I find it weird that I can come and go as I please and not have my life dictated for me like it was at home. He finds it frustrating that I can't break out of the prison in my head. There is a 17 year gap between us (I will be 2Cool. I am struggling to find my own identity and for a while when I moved in with him, he was paying for everything because I didn't have a job etc. I had been in two women's shelters before I came to him to escape my family. I am glad I do have my job because it gets me out, I meet new people, it keeps me occupied. I am a psychologist but working in a fast food joint, not exactly the future I had envisioned lol.

I'm not just terrified of being pregnant because of my boyfriend, but because of my mother. I feel so damaged by her that I am afraid to become a mother incase I morph into her. I want to be everything she wasn't. I have major mother issues lol.

I can only guess I feel now like I did back when I lived at home. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. Nothing is in my control. Since "breaking free" from my family I don't feel like I have achieved much. I guess he feels the same cos he tells me people my age have achieved a lot by now.

Sorry, I seem to be rambling...Thank you once again. i am just glad someone managed to make sense of what I wrote and replied lol.
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replied March 14th, 2013
Well, that certainly put another perspective on everything! I am so, so sorry for everything that you have had to endure. It must be painful to not have any family that you can contact. I just finished reading a book not long ago, which sounds a bit like your story. It must be extremely difficult for you to have been born in a Westernized culture and still be expected to comply with traditional values of your family. Forgive me for saying, but I think it is so unfair, some of the rules and restrictions that apply mostly to Females from your cultural background. Please know, that nothing is your fault, you are not a bad person, or do not bring any kind of shame for doing anything you have done. You are a human being. We should all have the same rights, not just ones imposed on us. I am glad that your boyfriend was there to help you, but I don't agree with him telling you that you should have achieved more by now. You must be an INCREDIBLY strong woman to go through everything you have gone through and still work and function normally. You are so brave. Don't ever think that you would be the same person as your mother, you are a different person and have the power to do things differently and change things. Please, try and find some good female friends or support groups so that you have other support in your life and I don't think it would hurt for you to see a psychologist. I have been to one and he has saved my life. Having a professional to listen to you and help you through everything is important. I wish you all the best and many good wishes.
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