This is my first time on these forums, I've been scratching and itching to talk to someone for the longest time. I tend to have trust issues, but not your conventional reasons.

I have quite a bit too tell, I'd appreciate any input...

Three months ago I was diagnosed with a rare disease, called Chronic Epstein Barr Virus Disease. Basically I get sick quite often and refrains me from habitual work. I am only 23 years old, and how uncommon it is seems to be severe as it is progressing. So far it is not life threatening and I'm okay with this; being sick is something I am used to and I can deal with it with my own methods. I do not or look for sympathy, I just want people to be positive, just like I try to be.

A couple weeks after being diagnosed I was hospitalized for the second time in a month, and I did have a girlfriend. I was not myself for quite some time due to being sick, and she broke up with me. Her reasoning as far as what stood out; she said she wanted more. More of what? I have no idea. She was nice, but too be frank about the whole relationship I was not into it as she was very clingy, and overall I wasn't attracted to her after a while.

I've had two girlfriends in the past 2 years. Both 6 months in duration. Both I never said I love you too them. I have only ever said it to one girl, whom is my best friend. Another one of these situations. I eagerly search the internet seeking answers, but I don't find them.

I've dated girls simply to try to get myself away from her. Nothing I've ever tried as worked. I've told her I love her... TWICE. And both conversations ended by her saying she can't be that girl for me. We didn't talk for roughly 4-5 months afterwards. We've been best friends for 7 years. We know each others deepest darkest secrets.

I am to the point in my life, dealing with everything, that this is starting to put me over the edge. I want to be with her or be rid of her. However, my heart won't allow me to just leave. I've been seeing Doctors as to my mental state, and it would appear I am depressed, however clinical diagnoses says I am fine. I believe I'm fine also, I'm just having trouble with day to day life, how to proceed. I'm unemployed, since I was ill I lost my job. I love working, and I will resume once I obtain full time employment.

so, background on this girl...

As funny as it sounds, I fell in love at first sight. I could re-sight the exact location, the speech, everything to do with the situation when I was graced with her presence. I'm very outgoing and struck conversation. One thing I recall which I feel is important, and I overlooked before, she said to me, "I find it hard to believe you're single."

From there on we became extraordinary friends. We hung out often, talked on the phone, the whole nine. She is the type who feels she is better than everyone, always has to take time to get ready, the 'pretty girl'. I know her on a deeper level, one that most don't see, which would portray her as a very kind, submissive and warm hearted person. She dates other men, average by looks, and even more average by employment.

One thing we both have in common is having a complex to help people. Mine comes from saving my Father's life. Hers comes from the inept mental illness of fellow family members. We both have quite a bit in common, yet I do not think we're even close to being the same. If you saw us act together, it would appear as if we're together. If we go to a bar, it appears obvious to men that we are together, when she is alone men would be all over her. I make her smile, which she claims no one makes her smile. I could go on about her for days...

So, I've told her twice, and we end up in the same spot. I find it so odd that we remain speaking to eachother. Yet through it all we are here. She JUST went through a difficult time and has been leaning on me for help. I can't say no(my complex). I honestly cannot do this any longer. I've been thinking of so many things that I've thought of before. What to do... I'm sure I will come up with something.

I know she is the only girl for me. She is the only person who makes me feel like I am alive. There are things in life you just know, that you don't ask yourself a question, or think about it.. it's like that... I know she is the one for me. how to cope with the illness I have is easy for me, dealing with her is hard to keep aside now.

I guess if anyone has ways they deal with things that stress them out it would be nice.

Thank you for reading

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replied December 8th, 2012
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I know well what you are going through with your friend.

Your only hope is that we all grow and change over time and you could gamble that one day she might realise you are the man for her...

Meanwhile you are trapped in a limbo world where she is driving you nuts.

Only you can decide whether to continue and risk your sanity or tell her to stay away and risk your sanity - because there are no guarantees of a final outcome either way, although the balance of probabilities says you are more likely to be able to eventually move on if you are permanently away from her influence...

In your position I would be inclined to ask her how she would feel if she could never see or speak with me (you) again.
If her reaction was in the least casual I would tell her to go away and stay away...
If her reaction gave me any encouragement to believe she felt more for me than she would admit to herself then I would persevere for a while longer and attempt seduction.

From your description it sounds as though she is still something of a starry-eyed and over-romantic girl who still believes in shining knights on huge horses and doesn't want to admit real life isn't really like that or maybe she is a realist who finds you ok as a friend but wouldn't want to be tied to someone who might need a lot of nursing and one day might be disabled or incapacitated (head vs heart)!

Good luck!
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replied December 9th, 2012
Thank you for the reply. I had to read your post multiple times, I enjoyed what you have said. I've actually asked her before, because we didn't talk for a period of several months, I asked her how it felt. She went on the explain it was hard, but knew I needed my space. She would rather me in her life than not. I fear the worst, but I know you must be realistic in certain scenarios, this being one. I believe she just doesn't have the attraction I do, but the gamble you spoke of is exactly what I'm looking for. It does drive me crazy. She has been there for me when I'm sick, and vice versa. She was sick a few years back and I helped her though it.

She has mentioned before that she does not believe in Mr.Prince Charming or anything like that. Too be honest I believe she doesn't know what she wants, and she is realizing this more and more each day. As I sit her saying to myself 'You're the one, hurry up and see it'.

Luck is certainly something I am in dire need of.
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