OK, so this is going to be a long post, i apologize. This is my first time on here so i thought i would post my story in detail so everyone could fully understand. First i will start by telling whats going on with me now. Ive been to drs and counselors etc. I have anxiety attacks/ panic attacks. I have irrational fears of really bad things happening. I always fear that i am deathly sick , heart attack, aids, cancer u name it. its horrible. I am married, have been for a lil over two years now. I have left my husband probably six times, not completly sure why tho. He does have an anger problem, he has a bad past too. But those times i have left him, was because i felt that i needed change, IE want to party, want new partners, grass is greener on the otherside kinda thing. I cant usually hold a job more than three months without quitting. I have this bitterness towards my seven year old step son, like everything he does annoys the crap outta me. I have PCOS which prevents me from getting pregnant at this time. I most times am irrational about a lot of things, im so afraid of being left, that i tend to push myself away from relationships. When my anxiety and stress gets bad i think about ways to kill myself even tho i would never do it and dont want to think that way. I have horrrible brutal dreams, really horrible. most of my dreams are not pleasent. I ca nt seem to find my identity. for each different person i am around i feel that i need to be like them. I have even taken that so far to try and change my sexuality,.All of this is truly exhausting. i feel like i never get a break. Now, to tell the story of my past that i feel has brought this all on. Trust me its not pleasent.
When I was little I was always very close to my dad. Don’t really have to many memories of being close to my mother. I have 3 sisters that I grew up with. I never really saw my parents fight, I think they usually kept that behind closed doors. When I was 8 or so me and my family moved to Colorado from California. I think that was the biggest due to what happened shortly after. We moved into a nice house and I thought everything was perfect. Boy was I wrong. My dad got a new job and became best friends with this guy who we always had over for bbqs and everything, I was friends with his son. Well long story short my mom took off with my dads best friend and left me and my little sister with my dad and didn’t come home for a month. We didn’t understand what was going on at that point. But my parents split up she married the guy. Me and my little sister moved with my dad and would go stay with my mom when my dad would work out of town, well one night my mom and her new husband went out for my moms birthday she came home and was yelling that we didn’t need her and again, long story short my mother stood not ten feet in front of me and my lil sister and slit her wrist while saying we didn’t need her. My mom was , is, very sick, many personality disorders too many problems to mention. I ended up moving with my dad and my sisters went with my mom. Over the years my mom would send letters to my dad showing him how her new husband walked my older sister down the isle and that was her dad now. Saying that she would give up all rights to me if he would give up my little sister. Ugh just so much crap that destroyed me. I didn’t see my mom till I was like 16 and ever since then my mother treats me different than the rest I have tried so hard to feel like I mean something to her but it never happens. She doesn’t care when I need help from her or just need to talk. It messes me up real bad.
I have been walked all over by everyone in my life but that’s another story. Anyways to sum it up I have serious issues that I feel counselors never help with. I am on Zoloft now, but they can only be bumped up in MG so many times. I just wanna know, how do I deal with all of this and somehow find peace and move on with my life. Sorry to unload all this very personal information I just don’t know what else to do . thanks for reading.
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replied July 28th, 2010
oh btw, my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD, GAD, Mood Swings, And some deression.
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