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Feeling very alone... I simply can't trust him

I have no one to talk to about this in real life. Well, no one I want to talk to, I suppose. I'm feeling very betrayed right now by my fiance and I don't know how to handle it. A month or so ago I suspected very strongly that I was pregnant. I brought it up with him and he immediately was cold about it, saying that he doesn't want another baby right now (we have a 17-month-old), that it's not the right time, that it was a "mistake", all these things that I know seem valid in his mind and I understand them logically. He never stopped and asked how I felt, just said that he would resent me if I chose to keep it. Well, now, I am the one feeling resentful. As it turns out, I'm not pregnant, but what has transpired has left me feeling very hurt and angry. The really sad part is that he did the same thing when I became pregnant with our daughter. I lived elsewhere from him while I was pregnant with her because I didn't trust him emotionally. I felt like he would continue to harass me and hurt me and I couldn't handle that while pregnant and I also didn't want our daughter to be affected by it. Well, we have since reunited, it's been almost a year now, and he is a loving father. However, he still hasn't really changed much when it comes to the way he handles stressful situations and it's leaving me wondering if us being together is right or not. He really has no clue what he's asking for when it comes to an abortion. He says that an embryo isn't alive, that just because it has a beating heart doesn't mean it's worth anything. He also makes the argument of "it has a tail!", like that somehow invalidates any sort of humanness it happens to have. He doesn't see it as killing, he is very cold and scientific about it. He's not always a cold person, though, only when he feels stressed. That's also what worries me when he talks about how abortions aren't a big deal--he obviously loves his daughter, so his desire to have her aborted when she was an embryo isn't valid now. Thus, that could very well be the case if I were to become pregnant again when the timing isn't right in his eyes. I believe that he would grow to love any child we create together, but I don't know if I can stand his coldness, his lack of caring of my feelings and his lack of empathy towards an unborn child. It makes me feel sick inside and there's nothing I can say to help him see where I'm coming from. When we were having that discussion a month ago he said, "it's not like you won't be able to get pregnant again", making it seem like it's all okay because there will be a future child that he wants. Oh, great, let's just flush this one down the toilet, pretend like he/she never existed, and create another one that's on your terms, and act like one big happy family. Umm, no, that's not going to fly with me. I'm not a machine, I'm not a cold monster who can kill one of her children and not feel bad about it, I'm not going to feel any better about the situation because "one day" we'll have another one. That is a horrible way to look at things, having another child doesn't make up for one that was aborted. Also, at this point, I don't want to have another child with him, I simply can't trust him given how he behaves every time I'm pregnant or believe I might be pregnant. Who's to say if I were to get pregnant again, on his terms, that he won't be cold again, that he'll decide that he can't handle it, that I should get an abortion? I'm so sick of it, I feel like throwing up whenever I think about it. I have nowhere to go at the moment except if I want to live with my family, but they are not the healthiest of people. I feel so lost, not knowing what to do with all of this...
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replied August 20th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
I am really sorry to have read your story...

I used to feel a little the way your boyfriend feels, although I hope my manners were better...

With me it was fear and immaturity - is it the same with him I wonder?
I was well into my forties before I began liking kids and not being afraid of them and afraid of myself around them, unfortunately my two girls were born while I was in my thirties - I did the best I could at the time and got through and I will always regret not sharing more of my daughters' early life.

All that aside, he is entitled to his opinion and you to yours. If they are incompatible and you can't bring yourself to unconditionally accept his opinion there is only two options available to you - you must either live apart or you mustn't ever get pregnant!

There is no middle ground but from the feelings you write of I fear the damage is already done and you have already answered your own question!

You might be able to concentrate his mind by withdrawing all sex until he has a vasectomy...
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replied March 4th, 2013
I know it has been months since you posted your dilemma, but on the off chance that you do read this I thought it was worth a reply.

It does sound like your fiance is immature and detached particularly when stress strikes. It shouldn't be an excuse though for behaving the way he is. Like the previous poster has stated you are both entitled to your own opinions but what I find disturbing is that he doesn't seem to respect yours or your feelings for that matter. Have there been any other issues in your relationship? Or is it only this topic that is touchy and makes you feel this way?

Perhaps sometimes making yourself unavailable when he behaves this way may make him reflect on his actions. Also, watching a video on the development of a foetus may be valuable so that he isn't so ill informed with what he is saying.
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