My fiance and I have been dating for 8 months and have been engaged for 4. We moved in together a few months ago and things have been going well until recently. I started a new job that I absolutely hate and for the first two weeks of work, I was irritable, tired, and just plain mean to my fiance even though I didn't want to be. He talked to me and told me he didn't appreciate my attitude, so I apologized and I changed it. Since then I have been more patient and I listen to him when he has a problem. Unfortunately, I do not feel like I get the same respect.
He plays an online video game very frequently and when he has a bad game experience, he goes crazy. He screams profanities, bangs things around, and frequently breaks things in these fits of rage. I have never been the target of this rage, however it still bothers me. When I asked him to please calm down because I was scared of his anger and his fits distract me from the work I have to do, he said "so what?" and continues to behave this way. Also, he likes to make fun of me in such a way that he thinks is funny, but I find it hurtful. I have asked him to please stop this behavior too, and all I got was a response of "whatever". I told him I felt like my feelings didn't matter to him and that I felt disrespected, and again he replied "whatever".
I try to be patient, but whenever I approach him with something that bothers me, he either blows it off and says "whatever" or "so what", or he storms off in a rage and goes back to his computer games, unwilling to talk to me about it. I am just about at my wit's end. I try very hard to respect him and love him for who he is, but when he asks me to change a behavior of mine that bothers him, I oblige and change it to the best of my ability. I would expect the same courtesy back, but I am not getting it. I am wondering if anyone can help me reach him and let him know that I am hurting and that I can't keep being a doormat forever. Please help!
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replied August 4th, 2010
Community Volunteer
Hi ResaFish,

Your boyfriend escape from the "real" world are his video games. When he doesn't want to be confronted or take on the role of a responsible mature adult he retrieves into his make believe world. He wants something he isn't willing to give (respect). When you are trying to have a serious conversation or share something that is hurting you and he replys with a childish reply like "whatever or so what" that indicates he is selfish and he has more growing up to do.

You can't make him grow up, however, you can set boundries as to how he speaks to you. Tell him you need to be taken serious when you are trying to have a conversation with him and you need the love, support, respect and understanding of a mature man just as you are giving him. Does he work or just play video games all day while you do? You also need to know that you aren't changing who you are nor will he, one is who one is and when someone try and change it, it is, oftentimes, resented later on in the relationship...even life long. He is being selfish and that probably won't change if you decide to marry him. Just remember, you can't change a man by marrying him, and visa versa.

Good Luck,

Faded Rose
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