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Feeling depressed and emotionally drained.

So much has happened this past 18 months, I feel like I'm living a nightmare. I am drained physically, mentally and emotionally. From major emergency surgeries due to a prolapsed small intestine to my mom's medical issues (also hospitalization and surgeries), to my mom's home (which my father built and I grew up in), being flooded resulting in my mom losing almost everything (on top of her job as a result of almost 5 months on and off hospitalization). My father died when I was 13, mom never remarried. Much much more has happened as well (I won't get into every single thing however. Just the major stuff)...I have my job being cut and also have been bullied by my supervisors at work resulting in other issues I will not elaborate on, but whenever something comes up, they are all subjective instead of listening to facts and taking multiple opinions into account before bashing me. I have even been afraid of the superintendent where I have been stationed at work. I've tried to avoid being on his radar for awhile now as I feel he is a pompous, arrogant prick who is out for everyone. Many are afraid of him actually. The director of my department is one who will not for opinions based on all the facts, just the bad facts. Several of us have feared for our jobs with her around. And now, mine's been cut. I am unsure how the others have made out with theirs.
I feel lost and like the only people who care are my fiance and my mom, who in her own right can drive me bonkers. Our personalities clash and I don't think she fully grasps the bottomless pit that has been my life the past almost 2 years. I feel depressed, trouble sleeping, dejected, like a failure. I don't know where to turn. When things went downhill, I talked to my doc and was put on Xanax. My plan is to see him again here soon before my insurance is cut as a result of my job cut. I have called up a couple of hotlines, including a prayer line. Being Catholic, I felt prayers from others might help. Being absolutely broke, I won't be able to afford going to see a psychotherapist/psychologist as I really desire to. What other options do I have? I feel almost like there's a battle in my head. One telling my brain that things will turn around and aren't as bad as they seem...and one saying "yea right...who are you kidding? You're an idiot." I feel like I am a burden on my fiance in more ways than one, though he says he understands. I wonder. I feel I haven't lived up to the expectations I laid out for myself. I feel like I've failed my family and my friends.
How can I lose these horrible thoughts? I feel like I'm losing my mind.
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replied April 29th, 2012
I know the feeling I feel exactly the same and have had way too many dramas to deal with over the 2-3 years,, I'm in a high stress job, high responsibility which I can get away from and problems keep occurring, I have a family who I feel I have let down and I just can't cope anymore and want just simply rest as I have slept properly for months, I feel that I must leave this world as I can't do this anymore and I don't want to be a failure to my family.
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replied April 29th, 2012
Know what you mean. It's just one thing after another, isn't it? I bust my tail for people then get kicked afterwards. I'm done trusting people, done going nuts trying to please everyone, but forgetting about my own life. I could have died in Feb 2011, had another call this past Feb. Could have died when I was 17. For some reason, I keep being saved, but while it's not my job to seek out why, I can't help but ask and wonder. Time for me to think about my life for once. If I can work the cash, I'm thinking once again and want to try to thru hike the Appalachian Trail. Many a hiker has a changed outlook on life after that journey. Maybe that will help, provided that I don't fail at it. God willing anyway, that's at least the one thing I can look forward to. I'm trying to find a new job right now...problem is...I'm a jack of all trades, master of none. I don't even know now what I want to do, but I'm sick of my current line. I want to change my career, but at the same time, I feel like the last 13 years has been a waste of my time, effort and energy.
Here's hoping that both of us can figure something out. Talking helps like I said, but not soon after...my brain tweaks out and I'm back in a rut. Maybe we can work on this together awkb. We gotta hold each other up as we're the ones who understand this feeling of failure. Need a plan. At least right now, I've kept myself occupied enough that I have somewhat of a clear mind, unlike last night when I let my thoughts flow here. Waiting for the crash again.....Good luck to you.
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