User Profile
My boyfriend of 3 years just left me, no warning no heads up...he just said he wanted to visit his family and 3 days before he was suppose to come home he calls and says he isn't coming home anymore.
I don't understand, he moved here to where I live (Sweden) (he is from India) and I set up a nice apartment for us, I thought things were going okay, I know he was stressed about not finding a job, but I never complained about it nor did I complain financially.
Once he came here he gave me an engagement ring and we planned eventually to have a family...and now he blames me for not finding the line of work he wants and for me feeling stressed at times. But I have never made him feel as it was his fault, I paid most things when he couldn't and now he left me with phone and internet connections for his behalf...because that is in my name, he even left half of his belongings with me like personal family photo album from when he was a child, his guitar, computer speakers, most of his clothes are still here...he even left dirty laundry in the laundry basket.
What happened???
He doesn't really have an answer...tried to blame me entirely, but I thought a relationship was a two way street!!
I am far from perfect, I have my flaws and I told him everything about me before we moved in together, because I have had some traumatic experiences in my life, so he knew all about them and he told me about his awful past as well.
I thought we clicked really well because of our mutual understanding of troubled past, I was always there for him...but he just forgot about me.
Did you find this post helpful?
|

replied November 13th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Hello,

I am sorry to hear about your trouble. I guess you must be feeling shell-shocked and bewildered...

Your post missed out a couple of details so I assume you are a white western girl and he is an Indian boy?
Before he left I assume you were an interracial couple who also didn't share the same culture or religion?

If I am right about these things I think you can assume the reasons he has given for not coming back are simply excuses.

Being an interracial interfaith couple is quite alright in the liberal west while the parents are absent and while in the west those involved would consider there is nothing wrong with it and they are free to do what they want.
The Indian culture definitely would not approve of your relationship. An Indian father, uncle or older brother would tell a young man that a white girl is good to have fun with and to practice sex with if she is clean enough but it should not be allowed to become serious and for a permanent relationship only an Indian girl of the right caste and the prior approval of both sets of parents is acceptable.

The caste system is very strong in India, especially traditional India, which is almost all of it. Inter-caste relationships are frowned upon and inter-caste marriages are few.
Marrying the right caste in the right way is a matter of honour in India and a girl who marries without permission into the wrong caste will bring dishonour to her family and give them leave to ostracise her or even to kill her. An Indian boy who marries beneath him also disgraces his family and this situation has been known to cause the suicide of his parents.

A white western girl is completely without caste which is even worse, if that is possible, than having the wrong caste.

We find the situation quaint, comedic and medieval but although the system dates back to feudal India where the feudal lord would allow only sufficient education, wealth and power to each class for them to perform the function designated to them, class distinction is still taken very seriously there.
The caste a person is, is inherited from an ancestral line and cannot be altered. The upper classes might become poor and ignorant and the lower classes can become rich and educated but the prestige and social standing of each caste is set in stone.

I speculate when your boyfriend arrived back with his family he allowed himself again to fall under the brain-washing influence of his culture. His father, uncle or older brother possibly has forbidden him from returning to Europe and might even have a suitable bride waiting for him to return. He might have been commanded to marry. His family might have been under contract for him to marry a specific girl since he was a small child. Such betrothals aren't rare in India, I believe.

The situation you find yourself in is not rare and is not confined to the Indian culture but happens all around the world.
He might rebel and return but I fear the odds are very much against it.

The excuses he has given you so far are understandable because if he realises he has been brain-washed or coerced by his family his pride simply wouldn't allow him to admit such a thing. There is a possibility his culture has had an effect on him and he hasn't realised the extent of it but it has simply made him not want to return.

I hope this clarifies things for you somewhat. I think you will probably have to go forward without him when your emotional bruises have healed.

Please come back if you need to.
Good luck!
|
Did you find this post helpful?
Tags: traumatic, album
Quick Reply