Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

Feel Shattered, annoyed and want to give up on life.

I don't know where to start, but I am 29, have been through 2-3 failed relationship. the last one I was in lasted for 3 years and ended very recently. We both were madly in love, the chemistry was something I had never experienced in my life ever. After I started dating him I realised he takes drugs, he confessed to me that he is not even a high school graduate and his family condition is very weak, he may not be able to marry me. We were not from the same community/ religion. I decided to call it off, but then he kept promising me that he would work out things. He kept talking abt life after marriage, how he would find a job abroad and we will settle down there. When I look back I think he said that coz he wanted me. I kept ignoring all the arrange marriage proposals my parents got and this went on for a year. After a year he told me he cannot marry me, that I am 3 years elder to him, from different religion, incompatible coz I didn't do drugs, party, smokeup or booze. throughout the relationship he kept abusing me. I decided to move on. However he would keep calling me in between from nowhere, emotionally blackmailing me that how much he misses me etc etc. We again started meeting once in a while and he would get close to me and I started liking it. I felt like he really loves me like nobody did. we fought in december 2012 and then he reduced his calls, then again suddenly he called me tow ish me on my b'day but I fought with him. I was feeling bad. I messaged him after his birthday to say sorry and then he was talking very normally. Then suddenly he told me about this girl he has started dating and he gave me some intimate details. She is his relative, and I had fought with him 2 yeqars back coz of her when we were together coz she used to post kiss smileys on his FB profile, This girl too wrote nasty things to me when I asked her not to post those smileys. Now I feel bad that he is dating this same girl, he tells me he was honest with me and did not twotime me with her. I feel i wasted my love and energy on a loser like him and I am not able to forget him at all. I hate myself for being with him and trusting him blindly and falling for him.I am such a fool, feel like killing him and myself. I want to confront him. I don't understand why did he came in my life, why I am supposed to go all this pain and suffering in my life. I feel I deserve this pain and suffering. I am not worth of anybody. I hate myself. Please help I am really lost and nothing would ever be fine in my life.
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First Helper verne01
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replied May 13th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Hello Rachna,

People do all sorts of things that seem silly, stupid or wasteful in hindsight but those things seemed ok at the time.

Ordinary humans aren't gifted with the ability of seeing the future and so we make all sorts of mistakes as we gain knowledge and experience. The person who never made a mistake never risked anything and never gave of themselves but in order to receive love and respect we must take the risk of giving of ourselves. Sometimes the risk pays dividends and sometimes the investment is lost.
This is the stuff of growing and maturing so one day we will have wisdom.

Gaining wisdom can be a painful business. Just now you are angry, hurt and miserable and you feel foolish and used but these things pass in time and your emotional bruises will heal in the way physical bruises heal.

There is nothing unnatural or even unusual about your experience and you will eventually realise the pain you feel now was necessary for you to become the person you will become and forgive yourself.
I realise part of the reason you feel as you do is your age. You must realise that gaining wisdom and experience is a process that progresses at different speeds for everyone. There isn't an age when a person is immune from making the same mistake...

It doesn't matter how bad things seem for you now they could be much worse - imagine how much worse if you hadn't discovered he didn't love you as much as he at first believed he did or if he hadn't been honest about it until much later.

Then there is the difference you have made to his life. He was an abuser of drugs and might now be dead if it hadn't been for knowing you. There is no way of knowing these things but it does seem you had a positive influence on him that is likely to have made him a better person for the rest of his life...

One day you will be more philosophical about these things and realise what I am telling you now is true. Please save yourself some of your heartache by accepting the truth of what I say now.

You do not deserve the pain but because of the pain you will be even more worthy of anyone than you was before. When your anger has gone and your bruises have healed you will know things you couldn't possibly have known if you hadn't experienced that pain and you will have the option of being a better person.

If you want to discuss this further please post again or send a personal message.

Good luck!
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replied May 16th, 2013
Hi, Thanks for replying. After reading your message I feel that what I did was a mistake and I deserve going through this pain because I acted foolish and clingy to be with him. I should have been more stubborn of not getting back to him after he abused me the first time. He still is in substance abuse but he has reduced it a lot. I was in an abusive relation but I never respected my own dignity and kept continuing with him hoping he would understand. He now repeatedly says he is hopeless and i should not be with him. He even told me he will never be in any relation after me but just 2 months after I stopped talking to him he started dating somebody else someone who he felt was compatible coz she was more cool and even did drugs with him sometimes. He says he broke up coz she kept abusing him and ill treating him etc. He told me he is shattered and knows how he made me feel and is sorry about it. But I don't believe him in now. I couldn't entertain anybody in my life after him and he slept with this girl was in a relationship. I feel he always lied to me, and eve he genuinely feels sorry I would not be healed by his words. I am coming across few guys in regards to arrange marriage but I do not like anybody. I have even dropped you a message hope you received it.
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replied May 16th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Hello Rachna,

Yes I received your message. I have just finished sending you one of my long and rambling replies. I hope you don't get too bored with it.
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