Not that winning is important when it comes to love..

I'm 27 male and have a 21 year old boyfriend. We get on great usually and wind each other up and have a laugh etc. etc. Obvs we don't just wind each other up all the time we have a very healthy relationship (usually) where we say "I love you" lots of times thru out the day and we are really compatible in the bedroom dept. which I have never experienced going so well.

Anyway, when we argue its only ever about the SAME THING..

He is annoyed with the way I present that I am 'upset with him'. Rather that just apologise MEANINGFULLY and moving on. He will *in a half ass way* say sorry but i don't feel that it is meant. We will then sit in silence before he launches 101 excuses as to why he shouted at me as supposed to eating humble pie and just being really sorry about how he shouted at me. I mean I was the one that was hurt and he starts banging on about how I shouldn't assume he was being aggressive. But I mean surely I can be forgiven for feeling he was being aggressive when he snapped during a video game. Should I be more leanient. I didn't invent that I was hurt.. my hand was shaking... I showed my vulnerability I didn't get angry at him. Why was he at me. Its soo destructive to get upset with someone when they are already upset with you.. I need to depend on him sometimes and he keeps letting me down.

I do not see this post as an opportunity to have a go - I really need you guys' / gals advice.. Am I wrong? Do I need to be more understanding? Why did he feel the need to justify shouted rather than focus on MY feelings and being nice and sweet..?

What do I do?
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replied June 9th, 2008
Experienced User
So, let me make sure I am seeing this post straight - he got angry at you over a video game? And he can't apologize for snapping at you?

I think it's time to have a nice heart-to-heart. Tell him flat out that when he snaps at you, and half-asses the apology, it hurts you. A successful relationship involves being on the same page with each other, physically and emotionally. It also involves communication.

I had a recent spat with my bf (actually, about a month ago), and it was me putting my foot in my mouth about something. I apologized, and meant it, and made sure I meant it to him. I admitted, I was dumb to even ask whatever it was I asked. Beyond that, we always communicate with each other, enjoy the same things, and if one of is us out of line, the other is right there to keep a check on.

If you two love each other, making sure that everything is in check with each other, as much as possible, will help satisfy that love for each other.
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replied June 10th, 2008
As I have not been involved in a relationship, I'm not exactly "Miss Advice," but trust me, I know ridiculous when I see (read) it. I have to agree with Mr. Bear; communication is a vital aspect of any relationship. It's communication, among other things, which, I believe, ensures a healthy relationship. He has to be able to express himself to you, after an argument, in a dignified way, and that means recognizing when he messes up. If he can't do that, he's disrupting the communication between the two of you and, furthermore, I would venture to say disrespecting you.

When you appraoch him with this, however, I would make sure not only to make it very clear that you have a problem with his responses during arguments but to also approach this situation with a little bit of sensitivity as many people, especially men, have an issue with hearing anything related to their personal flaws.

Good luck,
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replied June 10th, 2008
Experienced User
wow i really appreciate the advice!! esp when my post doesn't make much sense.. thx guys Embarassed

he say that when I do something wrong and have to apologise its easy for me coz he 'acts sad' and then i can apologise easily..
but apparently i act angry he says - but i didn't shout at him or anything i really did look SAD. Nothing seems to be good enough for him to warrant me deserving an apology..

sigh
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replied June 10th, 2008
Experienced User
Unifier wrote:
wow i really appreciate the advice!! esp when my post doesn't make much sense.. thx guys Embarassed

he say that when I do something wrong and have to apologise its easy for me coz he 'acts sad' and then i can apologise easily..
but apparently i act angry he says - but i didn't shout at him or anything i really did look SAD. Nothing seems to be good enough for him to warrant me deserving an apology..

sigh


"Acts sad"?????

Relationships are not acts!!

If you are expressing sensitivity to him, and when you have to apologize for something and mean it sincerely, but he's acting all pompous about his own personal character flaws, I would see that as a slap in the face... as if, he's always right, you are always wrong, end of story.

No relationship is perfect, I will say that right now. My bf and I get along absolutely wonderfully, however, we have our moments. But we support each other, and don't jump right into confrontations if one or the other is acting out of line. Sure, miscommunication can happen, but if the couple are on the same page, those times should be so few, far in between.

My advice still stands: Heart-to-heart, don't back down, tell him as up front as you can humanly be, but being civil. If you have to, tell him to get off his high horse, put himself in your shoes, and imagine how you feel when you get shrugged off all those times where he needed to apolgize for something, or he berated you, or anything that you don't like.

I will repeat myself - relationships are not acts. If anything, acts of kindness, affection, things that show your truest feelings for your bf.

Also, be prepared that if he is not willing to budge and throw some effort into making things work in a more meaningful way, to part ways and find someone right for you. As I am learning slowly, there is always someone for everyone out there, it just takes the right moment to find that special someone.
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replied July 16th, 2008
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Well, I'm personally working on this issue. I shout because I'm angry. I'm angry b/c that's the behavioral pattern my parents modeled to me and I picked up. Anger-outburst-feel better. It's not very healthy.

Your BF needs to want to change this before you're going to see anything different. He needs to own his anger and be responsible for it. Otherwise, you're barking up the wrong tree. And you can also work on your part --- which is detaching from his reaction. Take responsibility for your own self-esteem. His outbreaks do not need to rock your boat unless you allow it.
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replied July 16th, 2008
Ever considered ur bf has emotional problem?
I assumed he has anger management issue which needs to be addressed. He might have previous experience that when something frustrates him, he reacts overactedly.
The worst part of this assumption...try to explore if he was ADHD, deppresed or have Bipolar tendencies. Bipolar tends to be very sweet person and then snaps at any moment and turn ur world up side down.
Be strong and try to research some more about behavioral psychology, it will help u understand why ur BF is acting extremely diffferent. Don't consult Psychologist or any mental experts...bettter read some more literature and learn about more about your BF.
Good luck!
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