When i was thirteen i was emotionally and physically abused by my dad. Not often but when i wasn't perfect. I'd come home with a 94 on a Spanish test and he'd scream until i was crying and then hit me a couple times across the face because i was and he'd tell me i was weak and he hated me in his life. The day before my fourteenth birthday he was arrested because of driving under the influence with a suspended license. I thought that was the best day of my life. except he was never charged with the abuse. The horrid things he had done to me were going unpunished (which made me feel as though i didn't matter)

My mother would become depressed. having four kids and being a single parent (well we still had two parents one was behind bars so he couldn't help her)was hard for her to handle. I became slowly convinced that everything my mom was feeling the depression the loneliness was my fault.

At school i put on a nice little facade. while my grade weren't as good with my dad around i was still puling mid to high 80's. I'd find this out later but my friends had noticed a difference in me but never said anything. They assumed i was taking to much of the responsibility at home. You have to understand that i live in a rich neighborhood where there is no shortage of money (for my friends.) My family was like that but because of the economy and my dad we couldn't be like that anymore. I would wear old clothing because my mom didn't have time to go to the laundry mat, i never had a cell phone, ipod, computer, ect. (indulgences i know but when your surrounded by rich people it hurts to not be one of them)i began to pull away from my friends until i didn't really have any.

I began to feel worthless, like i was never going to be enough for my family and friends. my anorexia was the first thing my mom noticed. she made me she the school counselor three times a week, and the school nurse twice a week. This really died out after the first two weeks because my mom couldn't keep track of everything going on so me not going, not a big deal to her. (i can say now that i wished i had kept going- to have let people who were willing to help, help.)

School ended. i passed the grade, all my finals, with C's. i know how much this would have made my dad angry but he couldn't hurt me so i didn't care. I didn't care about anything, my weight, my grades, my friends, my family. Over the summer i took on a job to try and help support my family. It became to much. The stress from that, my mom, my three younger brothers, everything became to much, and i didn't have anyone there. I had pushed them all away. So i retreated into myself, crying myself to sleep at night. withering down to 105pounds (i'm 5' 9" so that's way under weight)not caring what would happen, or if i would wake up.

One day, the 17th of August 2005, i took 17 Advil, 11 of my mom's depression pills, and a handful of other things in the medicine cabinet, grand total 35 pills. I wanted my death to be fool proof. My mother found me while i was on the edge of consciousness. I don't remember anything except her scream and waking up in the hospital with all these different tubes in my and machines around me. I'd later learn that my mom had forced my to throw up and gotten all the pills that weren't in my system out of me. She had called 911 as soon as she saw me. I guess she knew more than i gave her credit for. maybe she didn't really care or didn't think it was as bad as it was.

Today May 16th, 2009. I'm alive. Not perfectly healthy and that's okay. I'm still working on that. I'm trying to confide in people but it's still hard. i'm still getting help but there are still things i don't want to share. I've got my closest friends back. I love them likes sisters and am glad i can do get better with them.

My dad is still in jail. he has a trial coming up. I won't be there to see it. I don't want to be there. My mom divorced him after my attempt. He will not hurt me again, and looking into the future i hope i won't hurt me again.
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replied May 17th, 2009
It sounds like you are on a good road now, if you ever need to talk, im here. =) sometimes its nice to talk about them as they come, so things dont become overwhelming
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replied May 17th, 2009
wow. im glad you are still alive. even though things went wrong suicide is never the answer. i cant say i never think or have thought about it but i would never do it. i kinda understand a little. i wasnt beaten much but when i was younger my moms bf hit me sometimes and my stepmom would when i was bad. i was/am a cutter. i understand in a way the pain and why you wanted to end your life. its easy. but there are people that care even if we cant see them. i hope you know that now. keep your spirits up and dont hurt yourself stay strong
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replied May 21st, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
wow honey...you are amazing!

You are a strong and worthy of life and love! Its not our faults that we are stuck with evil parents. My mom is like your dad and Im moving out of state to get away from her.

hang in there and share your story you have so much hope to offer.
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