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Family relations and romantic relationship? Bipolar and anxiety

Hi, a little background story, I suppose. I was previously diagnosed with anxiety about little over month ago. I've always been a very anxious person. Since I was little I remember throwing up almost every day before school because I would get so anxious. I've also always suffered from severe depression. I remember being extremely young, laying in my bed, and just crying. Which is normal for a child of any age. But I would always do it. I didn't know why I was the way I was. I'd often get extremely angry for no apparent reason. My relationship with my parents have always been a struggling one. During an argument I once pulled a knife out on my mom. Even though I was hurt and angry I fell to my knees and told her I loved her. My parents relationship has always taken a toll on me as well. Apparently, six months after I was born my dad left my mom. But mom was extremely depressed, and has mentioned to having thoughts of killing herself. It was like this the first three years of my life. My mom would cry and I'd be the one to console her. Whenever we would visit my dad he was always cruel in many ways. My toy would touch the floor making a simple sound and he'd order me to shut the f*ck up. My parents eventually got back together. My mom isn't want to be another statistic so she stuck it out. It's always been hell. I've never respected my dad because my mom has always discussed with me the troubles of their relationship. Even whenever I was young. She'll deny it and say she started talking to me whenever I was around 17. But that's complete bull. I remember being fairly young whenever she told me she was raped by a close family friend. My mom has suffered for as long as I can remember. I always begged her to leave, but she never would. I hated change and never wanted to move but I'd always wanted to help her get out. She'd cry about how unhappy she was and how she often felt the only way out was to kill herself. (I have four other siblings mind you, three are pretty young still. Same parents.) I've definitely felt emotionally neglected by my mom. She acts super surprised when I recently told her I use to cry in my bed as a kid. That she had no idea I carried all her burdens. My dad has cheated on her multiple times, said he didn't love her anymore, and has left her. I'm 25 and my parents just divorced about a week ago. My dad had always been very verbally, emotionally, mentally, and often physically abusive. Calling me a bit*h, spitting in my face, choking me again a wall, choking me in my bed. Whenever I was 13 my family was in a very serious car accident. I broke my collar bone and had severe bruising, I also hit my head on the window and blacked out but never had a mental evaluation or anything. My mom was in a coma, same effect as shaken baby syndrome, broke a great portion of her bone, and lost the family's first baby boy. My dad had a severe gash in his left cheek. I was always depressed but after our car accident I always felt more depressed. Nothing was normal. My mom eventually got better enough to have a hospital bed in our living room. The day she was suppose to come home I wanted to go to my friend's house. I remind you, I was 13. My dad got so pissed off he shoved my face into my bed while yelling between his gritted teeth. of course I was crying. My aunt (dad's sister) came to ask if I was okay. Whenever I didn't want to talk about it she grabbed me but my upper arms as hard as you could and yelled at me. I had a broken collar bone.



All that messed up family issues aside. Every single relationship I've been in I've had anxiety. Besides the one week ones, I suppose. Thoughts that I needed to get out of here. Leave the relationship. That I don't love them. Often that I never loved them at all. Even in ones that only lasted about four months. I'd get so anxious I'd sometimes vomit. I always assumed that I was because I wasn't with the right person. There were also red flags in those other relationships. Like, I was never really attracted to them, the weren't very nice to me, very controlling, etc.Recently the thoughts have changed and I get anxious when I say I love my husband. I almost feel calm when I say I don't love him. Well, now I'm married. I've been married to my husband for five years, and together for seven.When I really think about leaving him too hard I always get extreme anxiety. Even if I don't at first. I often feel like I'm losing my mind because I don't want to feel this way about him. In my absolute moments of calm ( which don't happen often if at all) I love him. But I find it hard to be around him anymore. It makes me anxious and I always want to cry. I almost feel at peace when he isn't around. But get anxious because I feel that way and don't want to. I feel like there's something in me that KNOWS I love my husband regardless of what my thoughts, and body say. Has anyone experienced this? As I've said I've always been depressed and anxious. I've definitely had anxiety attacks about other things (like I wasn't going to make it-impending doom.) But I feel as if my relationship is causing me anxiety and depression. But not that long ago I was perfectly fine! I didn't Doubt as hard as I do now. I just can't give up. He's serious the greatest person in the world. Compassionate, he tries to get me to eat, he still loves me, and tries to comfort me even though I say these terrible things to him, he's my best friend. He knows about all of this. I am very open with how I feel and he is too. He says he'll stick by me. He honestly believes I'll get better with mood stabilizers and such (which I'm starting today.) I'm so afraid this is real. I don't want to feel this way. I so much don't that I'll cry and cry. I feel so much guilt and shame. Then other times I feel nothing at all. I just want to be happy WITH my husband.

P.S. Before all this happen with my husband. I went to Colorado with my dad which I started to get really anxious while I was there. I want to leave and be home, but kept thinking about having to drive back home to Arkansas. I started to get bad anxiety and couldn't wait to be home with my husband. On our way home we had to drive through parts of TX and OK that were expecting severe storms. It did cause me anxiety. I didn't want to stop because I wanted to be home. But I didn't want to get caught in a tornado either. When I got into town I felt calm that I was almost home to my husband. But right before I walked into the door I got extreme anxiety about not loving my husband

This anxiety caused me to have an anxiety attack. I've had attacks over different things before. I have no reason to feel this way about him.

I worry they aren't just thoughts in my head. I worry I can't love. Apart of me feels that I'd feel this way no matter who I was in a relationship with. I have no reason to feel this way. He's a great guy, loving, caring, compassionate, and the most beautiful person I've ever met. Moments of calm I use to want to cuddle and be with him. I felt normal somewhat. But I worry. I get really anxious around him. Sometimes when he isn't around I feel normal and that makes me break down and cry. Why can't I be how I was with him? I got really anxious and doubted our relationship once six years ago. But it went away and I always believed it went away because I loved him. This time it just won't go away and I can't stop thinking about it.
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replied February 3rd, 2019
Thank you for asking at Ehealth forum!

I read your question and I understand your concern.
Keeping in view your history, anxiety disorder with associated borderline personality trait is the most probable diagnosis.
You would need psychotherapy sessions like CBT and psychoeducation.
I hope it helps. Stay in touch with your healthcare provider for further guidance as our answers are just for education and counselling purposes and cannot be an alternative to actual visit to a doctor.
Take care
Khan
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