Ever since I can remember, I’ve been having feelings for other girls. At first it was just curious thoughts, which I’m sure is normal for everyone. I would wonder what it would be like to hold hands with or kiss another girl. I thought a few of the girls in my class were pretty. But I predominately liked boys.

Then suddenly, when I was 13, I went to camp and met this girl I’ll call “Jane”. She was beautiful, smart, funny, and extremely nice. It really didn’t take long for me to realize I had a crush on her. We became friends and spent a lot of time together, but I suppressed my feelings for her the whole time. Admittedly, they sort of scared me. That was the first time I had ever felt something like that for another girl.

When camp ended, I came home and never heard from “Jane” again. But from that point on, it was as though someone flipped a switch. My interest in boys began to wane, and I got more and more interested—fascinated, even—at the prospect of being with another girl. I found myself checking out girls as they walked by and paying more attention in the locker room than I used to. I even developed more crushes, like the one I’d had on “Jane”. But through all of this, I refused to say or even think that I was gay or bisexual. I kept on reasoning that it was just a phase that I would eventually grow out of.

Well, almost three years have gone by, and I haven’t grown out of it. If anything, it’s all gotten even more intense. Though I do have a boyfriend, and I think he’s very cute, I just don’t have any desire to do anything physical with him. We hardly even kiss. On the flip side, I have very vivid fantasies about being with other girls. So by now I’ve conceded that I’m probably at least bisexual.

Now, I am and always have been a very big supporter of the gay community. So are my parents—I was raised in a household in which I was taught that everyone should have equal opportunity. But I don’t really feel like I can talk to them about this. I can’t talk to any of my friends about it either, because many of them are religious and don’t agree with the GLBT lifestyle. So for about four years now, I’ve been keeping all of this to myself.

But I’m growing tired of it. I have formed very strong bonds with girls who I’ve had feelings for, but it’s been very trying, emotionally speaking, knowing that they are straight and I don’t have much of a chance with them. I’ve tried to get into therapy to talk about this, but my parents don’t want to spend the money when everything seems fine with me on the outside. Of course I put on a happy face for them, but on the inside, I’m really losing sleep over this.

So, I guess in the end all I’m asking for is advice. I’m still not sure if I’m gay, bisexual, or if it is actually “just a phase”, but if anything, I’m EXTREMELY confused. If anyone could help me out, it would be very much appreciated.
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replied August 14th, 2009
I know how you feel, and it is always a hard thing to give advice for, so i will tell you my story.
I realized i was bisexual in the summer of 6th grade, but it was so different and weird that i felt really guilty about it. This caused me a lot of emotional pain through Jr. High and therapy didn't help. I got really lucky when i had a friend hook me up with a guy (i am in much the same situation as you, i am bi but i don't really like girls.)
We dated and broke up but i was feeling a little more open about myself.
In High School i joined the GSA and met my current boyfriend, but i still feel guilty or wrong about being gay.
I don't really know what the moral to my story is but maybe hearing another voice will help you.
PS: It took me 7 years to come out to my parents, and this was only cause my boyfriend refused to let me hide myself from them any longer.
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replied September 10th, 2009
I had the same deal or being from a liberal, accepting family - but not actually being able to accept that *I* could be gay! (Or bi, as turned out to be the case.) And I would echo your concern about talking to them - while my parents aren't hostile at all, their high-minded ideals didn't seem to apply to their own son.

I can't give you advice as to whether you like men, by what you've said so far. But it sounds like you really do like women, no questions asked. It's not just a phase, it's not going to change, and it's okay! Even for you, personally!

As to your boyfriend (and, by extension, men in general)... it's hard to say. If you say he's cute, but you still aren't physically attracted to him, boyfriends might not be a great match for you. Beyond appearance, though, ask yourself - what's his personality like? Is he a potential soulmate? Do I, or could I, love him? Am I in this relationship because I want to be with him, or did I just I get a boyfriend because I was expected to get a boyfriend?

It's always hard to say when you're young, of course. You don't have to be sure about anything yet! You're not going to write your name in stone and set your destiny, after all. Let the names and definitions wait and let yourself simply freely discover truth about yourself, accepting that whoever you are, it is to be celebrated!
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replied September 11th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Man I remember my teen years. It's just hell. If it's any consolation 13-19 is hellish for everyone regardless of gender or sexual preference. Nothing about yourself makes sense but you feel a desperation to understand everything. Let me reassure you that you're tremendously normal. Most girls have girl crushes. The fact that you've had them for the last 3 years with a variety girls would suggest that you're gay or at least bisexual. You don't really have to worry about it so much. Your sexual preference will sort itself out very naturally. Just do what feels right for you.
As far as who to tell I'd suggest nobody. I don't mean to suggest that there's anything to be ashamed of but high school is rough enough without people who don't understand what you're about making judgments about your sexuality. None of my friends who came out in High School would do it again given the choice. Your parents also don't need to know. While you live under their roof they will tend to view you as somewhat of a possession, something they control. Coming out while you live with them puts a lot of stress on you both. Also if you tell your parents that you think you like girls suddenly having a girl alone in your room becomes a huge deal.
As far as your boyfriend. That will sort of have to sort itself out as well. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. Don't stress too much about whether you're gay and wasting his time. If he wasn't wasting his time with you he'd be wasting his time with another girl at your school who hasn't figured things out. If you do reach a point where it's clear to you that you're not sexually attracted to boys you should break things off with him.
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