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Extreme OCD/Depression about Medications Themselves

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Zoloft is making my depression and focus very bad. I have been on the medicine for over 4 years and am finding benefit with the sleep and appetite aspects, but not much else. The psychological anxiety reduction sometimes is there with Zoloft and sometimes not because I split my dose up as 50 mg and 50 mg.

I have had serotonin syndrome for a very long length of time probably ranging to 19+ months of symptoms and I am just now getting relief from it.

I am experiencing chronic anhedonia and lack of focus which has taken me form a 3.50 GPA student down to a 2.70 GPA in college and with that I've gained 45 pounds and have attempted suicide twice. I have been in psychiatric wards receiving help and have been discharged from two for attempting suicide.

I am feeling as though the Zoloft is the primary causal factor in my depression and lack of focus, yet without it my OCD goes bonkers and my obsessions/negative thought processes come back too much.

I was on 200 mg of Zoloft at one point, but suffered severe constipation and dryness leading me to develop hemmerhoids and I had to go to the E.R. for a major hemmerhoid blown that gave me pain lasting a whole weekend.

Why is this so difficult to micro-manage both OCD and ADHD? What more can I do? It is helpful to exercise, but I am often so dang busy it is hard to get all I need to done especially because exercise makes me more tired, exacerbates my chronic fatigue and low testosterone symptoms (especially with cardio).

I am feeling pessimistic about if I should even be on psychiatric medicines. I have discontinued Zoloft from 200 mg and experienced significant chest pain and heart palpitations from the withdrawal because tapering it down slowly was making it super hard on me even though it wasn't supposed to.

I am beginning to think there is absolutely nothing more I can do medicine-wise, and maybe the best option for me is to try natural therapies that have helped like yoga and the ones I've been advised like stress-reduction practices.

I've become extremely obsessed with my medicine doses, timing of doses, and such things that I've not had a day in an extended period where I don't think about meds and what dose I'm going to take when and how...
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