Hi

I'm posting this as I guess I just want to vent and I really can't think of anyone else I can trust enough to talk to.

Majority of the time I spend just sitting and moping, because i can't be productive when I'm experiencing depression.

Words cannot describe how much countless things I've gone through but overall, I was brought up with really controlling and strict and abusive parents, my dad would hit me for stupid things like one time I slurped when i was drinking water and he smacked me on the face and i fell off the chair. Other times he would kick me and smack me with the ruler until I had open wounds just because I had trouble with my times table.

He abused my mother too, so many times in the past, like he threw a plate at her and it cut her head open and she fainted it almost killed her if it was on the neck, once he whipped her with a belt multiple times until she had to go to hospital and another time he threw a pumpkin against her back and my brother saw it and punched him in the face.

I also had trouble when i was alone with my brother at home, I was raped and he tried to bribe me and told me it was something else and also abused me if i wasn't being obedient. this stopped when i grew a little older like around 12-13yrs because he knew I would gain confidence to dobb him in.

But this was during my childhood and now things are less abusive in the house, my brother moved out, my parents only verbally argue now and again,
I'm at uni now but my dad is still a pain sometimes I get into trouble for minor things like taking a nap in the afternoon and tells me off hypocritically and it really infuriates me, he also mentions God's name in vain but doesn't represent a good christian role model himself.
he argues with me and blames me and is really arrogant and tries to twist what he says to make me feel bad, and wastes more than an hour of my time. I'm not even aloud to come home late my curfew is 9pm and im only aloud occasionally to go out. I'm 20 years old now.

I also had unstable experiences with friends/ social life, I feel like theres something wrong with me, I'm never close to anyone, but most 'friends' i talk to always drifts from me in the end, and theirs one person i experienced a sexual relationship recently with ends up just not talking to me at all of a sudden with no reason.

I feel like theres nothing in life for me, I can never imagine myself getting married, who would want to marry someone messed up like me, and If i do, it will be unstable because of how i am.

I dont ever want children because i don't want to be responsible for creating life in this world I so hate.

Sometimes I just feel like i should end it, put myself out of my misery. I've waited long enough for hope, but nothing is changing, i've been self harming since i was 12 and suicidal thoughts at 15.
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replied October 16th, 2012
You're not messed up
hello,
I am so sorry that you feel unloved and messed up.
I would suggest trying to move away from your family.
Go somewhere new and start over.
I'm 50 yr old mother of five kids, and as many messed up decision I've made in my life, I always told them they could do and be anything they wanted to. I told them I would always love them no matter what they did right or wrong, and I also told them about things I did wrong so they knew I wasn't trying to say I'm better than them.

Now, I've been divorced for 10yrs and it's been nothing but a struggle day after day, I'm alone and depressed. Thankfully my kids are doing great all on their own or live with Dad.

You are not messed up, you just have been dealt a shitty hand in life.
It's hard to start over, but it feels good to just try, Florida is a great place to go, most people there feel like they where misfits wherever they came from.

Hope you are feeling better..
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