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ENGLISH Boyfriend ATTITUDE (need advice)

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My boyfirend is a very independent guy. He doesn't want me to intefere with his life but he only wants me to trust him. He is not against whatever I will do with my life either even meeting guys (my friends) alone. He's sweet with his friends and a very positive thinker. But he is going out with a common friend of ours whom he used to like and admired before me. They are eating and going to cinemas alone. I know about all these things because he is informing me. I used to go out with them often times before but there are times that he just want to go out without me. I trust him because he's honest with me. He doesn't even want me to ask questions like where and when. He thinks asking these questions is being possesive. But I just wanted to know where and when so that i wouldn't have to worry. He will just inform me that he is going out and that's it. Do you think I should worry? Most of my friends are calling me telling me that my bf is out with a girl. I just said it's ok she's just a friend and i know it. But should I have to worry? Should these things bother me?

By the way he's British. I need GUYS' points of view especially ENGLISH guys. Is that really your culture?

Girls can give their insights too.
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replied November 20th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
To me, it sounds like he wants all of the good parts of the relationship and none of the accountability or responsibility. Whether he is cheating or not, he shouldn't be so secretive. A relationship is about sharing your life together, not about keeping separate ones. If he's just innocently going out with a friend, why does it matter if you know where he is? Why does he want so badly to keep it private?

I don't think it has anything to do with him being British. I think it has to do with him being immature. He's acting like you're his mom butting into his business, but as his girlfriend, it is your business if he's going out with another girl, even just a friend.

I think you need to decide if this is something you can live with or not. Is it worth the stress? Are you really okay with him going out with a girl he used to like by himself? If it does bother you, then as his girlfriend, the fact that it bothers you should be enough of a reason not to do it or to at least be an open book about it. It's about respect for you and the relationship.
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replied November 20th, 2009
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i agree with the abouve comment!
my ex was a momma's boy and he would say i am dictating his life when it came to what he can and can not do with female friends. he was young and immature and this was one of the very many read flags he sent me.
he needs to be single and date!

i m in love with my current boyfriend and i would be hurt if someone tells me he is out "dating" someone else and not me.
where are you when he is out with this other girl?
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replied November 21st, 2009
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Thank you so much guys! I appreciate your replies. We spoke about it the third time the day before yesterday. And he wants me to understand that the girl is just a friend. I think you are right it is my business when he is going out with other girls alone. But he said it is their culture. He will always tell me about their British culture compared to mine. Honestly I don't feel good when he is out with girls even though she's a common friend. I've been through a lot of relationship before so I know that he really loves me. Whenever he's out with that girl I am just in my appartment doing nothing and he knows about it. He wouldn't even bother to invite me to come along because he said he was just invited and he's not gonna pay the treat. That girl used to invite me too. We used to go out as a group. I've been dealing with this almost a year now. We will be 1 year on December 7.
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replied November 21st, 2009
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my african girlfriend told me in Africa men used to beat their wives and have parties to brag about it. She said when they come to America they have a big shock because if they do it, they can get into trouble.

my point is things are different in other people's culture. but if you dont feel comfortable with it, dont stay with him.
if you were my best friend, i would be mad that he's out with another women while you home. he should be with you, or it should be a group thing, and i think she should respect that.
any common friend can turn into something more if you continuously spend a lot of time with them feelings can grow.
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replied November 21st, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hey HotAsian09
There's nothing immature about privacy or independence. There's also nothing British about it. He's maintaining an emotional distance from you for whatever reason we can only guess. If it's suitable for you then there's nothing unhealthy about it in a relationship. But it sounds like it's not satisfying for you.

He's an important thing to think about. Why does his friendship take preference over his relationship? When you ask to share time with him and his friend are you made to feel welcome?
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replied November 21st, 2009
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Thank you for your replies...
I guess you're right WOLF. When we had an arguement one day I brought up a subject that made him tell me that he is keeping an emotional distance with me so that when there will come a threat in our relationship of me leaving him it would be easy for him to recover. And I really had a hard time about this when we were just starting because he seems to look more happy whenever his with his friends. It has changed now somehow. He doesn't want me to be always around with him. He always want time alone with his friends. And what irritates me he doesn't want me to ask any questions at all. I agreed to do what he wants for now and tried to adjust to the situation. I think I can live with it but I feel ver y insecure and troubled. Not because i don't trust him but experience-wise as ServiceU said feelings can grow if you continually spend time alone with each other.

Whenever I try to come to their date I don't know but i seem to feel unwelcomed. Action speaks louder than words, you can see something on their faces or am I just taking things too much? He often refuses my invitations if he doesn't feel like coming. But when I am planning to go out with this girl or some of his friends, he's readilly available. I don't think he is cheating. He just want to spend time alone with his friends.

He's a career-oriented person. We are both living in a foreign country and he's living far away from the city where I live. We only meet maximum 3x week or sometimes not at all. He is just a work-home guy. he doesn't really have time to meet others because he's living far away so I agreed to what he wants. I love him so much. I know I am not being possesive but like MyrahU said I feel like his mum butting in to his life. Any more insights and advices?

Thanks once again.
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replied November 22nd, 2009
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HotAsian09
Part of joining together in a committed relationship means a change in your relationships. This is accepted by the world at large. The fact that his friendship needs to be private is a red flag. I'm not saying he's having sex with his friend but that their relationship is not respectful of the relationship you have with him. It may simply be colored by his distance in your relationship but I guarantee you that his female friend doesn't see you as someone deserving her respect if she allows him to behave like that.
I don't think this relationship has much of a future. I'm sorry but it is a house without a foundation. Its solid and functional now but over time, unless there's major changes, it won't hold up to normal strains.
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replied November 22nd, 2009
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I totally agree with Wolf. If you were my friend I would tell you to get rid of this guy and find one that respects your feelings. If they act like they don't want you joining them when they go out, then I have no doubt that something is going on. It's one thing if a guy enjoys going out with the guys or the girl wants to have a girls night out, but this is just too strange and only going to make you miserable. You're at home while he is dating your friend.
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replied November 22nd, 2009
Experienced User
Thank you for your time.
Well, I'm having questions to myself when I satrted having relatioship with him. Questions if this will work. Honestly I had a trauma with relatioships and I don't want to be hurt again. Whenever I am asking him to understand my feelings he will throw the question back to me. He will ask me to understand him too. I feel very hurt he is not sensitive enough. This past few days he's been doing fine with me. He's trying to adjust to what I want. I told him that I want to give up our relatioship but he insisted to continue and he wants to work it out. All of you have points, but it is really difficult i think you know what I mean. I love him. But I am partly happy and partly insecure. Thanks for all your insights.

It really helped me realize things.

I want to hear guys' point of view as well.
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