Hi,

I guess I'm here to discuss what's been going on for the past 28 years: my parents don't believe that a person can make the right decision unless that person makes the decision my parents would make. With me, they decided that "advice" was something that I wasn't allowed to ask for. Actually, it was something that I must listen to when it's time for them to tell me, and I mustn't ask questions. In fact, saying I didn't understand what they were saying elicited a response from them in anger over how I could so cruelly tell them they didn't explain something well enough. To them, I have no rights. I do what they tell me to do, and if they sense defiance, they will manipulate me. In other words, they could possibly encourage me to do something that they don't want me to do so that I do the opposite. I have no main issues other than the fight in my own head to completely sever relations with my parents. I am confident that my mother has been tortured by my father so much that she's changed. However, I believe my father has been an emotionless dictator his whole life. I'd like to run away from him. I'm a very kind person, and I've considered giving up my life to take care of one of my best friends who can't get around safely on her own anymore. I'd rather take care of her all day and completely erase my goals. With my father, I've always done that. I've always said to myself "I want this, but I want Dad to like me, so I'll do what he says." I kept holding out hope that, one day, I might do something he likes. I wonder now if, in his eyes, I can't do anything good because, as long as I'M doing it, it'll be wrong. When anyone asks him about this, he gets irate, he lies, he calls all of us names. I'm very aware that he doesn't have a personality. I guess I just thought he'd have the mental ability to care about his own children. At this point, I'm seeking advice from this forum to find out how to cope with the fact that he doesn't have that ability. Much like some criminals don't have remorse over killing a person, my father doesn't have a remorse over manipulating people for his own gain, even his kids. He says he's going to therapy, but, when I asked how many times he's gone, he had that look on his face when he told me he's been 20 times. He said he hadn't been since January. In September, my mother told me he'd been 3 times. So, 17 times in 5 months, or, with a few exceptions, every week, and suddenly stops altogether. Unlikely. He's been retired since he was 40. He's 64. He doesn't have a job or hobby or any entertainment in his life. He stays at home all day. He couldn't have suddenly had something else to do that prevented him from going to the therapist after having time to go every week for several months. That look on his face was the smug "I'm about to lie to you and you'll never be able to prove me wrong" face. Anyway, I'll be leaving for grad school very soon. I'm a very very successful man, not a boy like him, a man, but I was just hoping to have a relationship with my father. I've been trying to avoid the reality that he can't have relationships with people (I don't know how ever managed to get married, but I'm sure he manipulated my mom into that), but I think, since I came back for a month (the longest I've been here since highschool), I've realized that I've become such a wonderful, caring, human being, and he's stayed the way he is: the most unthinkable person. A terrorist in his own way. A person who takes human life, recognizes its capabilities, and uses it for his personal gain, or, in many cases with his family, personal financial savings. He used to lie and all people are bad. He used to tell us that he knows best and that we should "never go home with someone who says they wanna be friends," including boys and girls at school who wanna have me over for a sleepover. HOWEVER, the "nice cashier at the store" paying extra attention to me because I'm little and cute is a good man. In other words, I wasn't allowed to have anyone in my life that might make him seem #2 in my mind. He needed me to have no one in my life that could ever show me the truth about him. He needed to make sure that I always thought he was the ultimate authority on all things. If anyone threatened his reign, he would tell me that those people are bad. At this point, we can't have a relationship. We've never had a good one, and I've become such a healthy person since I broke away from his control. I just hoped I could tell people that I have a friendship with my father. Same thing with my mother. They still say, though I'm 28, parents aren't supposed to be friends. They're people that groom you and send you on your way. I feel as though they had kids because they were required to or because it was a mistake. They don't view me as their son. They few me as a responsibility, a machine, a burden, a positive thing in their life when I help them and a "shoulda killed my child" when I'm a negative thing. Well, I don't know what else to say here right now. I'll be going downstairs to eat lunch and have another encounter with those people. I wish I could call them my parents, but they just never acted like parents. I guess it's time to understand that some wishes don't come true, but remember that other wishes can.

Thanks for listening
Did you find this post helpful?
|

replied May 9th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Absolutely no point your father going to therapy unless he wants to change...

It is quite possible your father wasn't like that when he married your mother. Your own experience should tell you a person keeps changing and adapting over time and even the basic personality isn't really set in stone until well past the twentieth year.

I feel you are in danger of attempting to over-analyse something that should simply be accepted and the near impossibility of your task is generating things in your mind and emotions that are dangerous for a man who wants to sleep peacefully to have.

I advise you to simply accept that something positive (you) came from two negatives. You can't choose your parents but you can choose to leave them behind while you select your friends.

Good luck!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied May 18th, 2013
abusive parents
My mother has been abusing me emotionally since I was little, and I took some comfort in reading a book on kindle Amazon called Kiss of Thorns by Lilliane Rosse. It's an amazing story of a girl that had to cope with her narcissistic mother, it's crazy how many things the girl had to endure. I would definitely recommend to all who think they have abusive parents to read the book. It really sheds a light into some dark places.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied May 24th, 2013
Dear Ryan: Thanks and kudos to you for taking the time and effort to spell out everything in your thoughts and on your mind. (1) First of all I have never known any parents-children to enjoy independent relations living under the same roof, because people naturally impose control and rules over THEIR space where it's nearly impossible to be equals in a relationship. so the first step is to establish independent turf, and always meet on equal or neutral ground, never argue under one roof or another because it will never be equal (2) secondly, if your dad goes to counseling that's for him to get his foundation straight internally; in order to fix things with you, that's both YOUR RELATIONSHIP that needs the counseling and both of you woudl have to be there together to agree on terms of what is acceptable, what needs to change, and what needs to be let go where you can be civil. so yes, you can get to that place later, but it will take both of you coming together as equal men to establish ground rules of how and where you will interact and what's off limits to prevent fights. establish your own grounding first, and meet together as equals where you don't waste your energy fighting over the pecking order. when you are both on equal ground, then you can focus on how you agree to interact, as civilized gentlemen regardless what issues you may have and what you agree or don't agree on. lastly, you seem like a thoughtful conscientious man with a good head on your shoulders, so don't let your fears stop you from doing the effective things you are well capable of. Most of this seems to be control issues of his space and his rank, so just avoid confronting each other in those conflicting settings, and you can have a civilized mature adult relationship. This will be a good exercise and challenge for you, to learn how to manage difficult conflicts and competing interests, where you can still communicate in safe effective ways and focus on common goals and purpose regardless what other problems and conflicts exist. Don't run from the challenge, but just set up the ground rules so you can both win and not lose out. if you need additional support, look up management courses or books on conflict resolution and negotiating with difficult people; if you can handle this, you can learn a lot about managing political and business conflicts which are similar; where people fight over territory turf and seniority and lose sight of real issues. As you resolve this, you'll master critical skills in life.
|
Did you find this post helpful?