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Eating Disorders and I started to selfharm

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I'm a 25 year old female, 5ft 6" and weigh about 88lbs. I have suffered with depression on and off throughout my life but the last 3 years it hasn't lifted and I started to selfharm. I got referred to a mental health and eating disorder department (last september)for anorexia and anxiety disorder. It helped me realise how much I hate myself due to a past trauma and my eating is just another way to hurt myself.My father drowned while we were on holiday last september and my behaviour and emtions have become more eratic and uncontrollable. I feel guilt and hate for myself for my dad dying. My therapy has recently ended and have stopped seeing my dietician as I don't want to waste their time anymore. My medication helped my moods for a bit but have reverted back to self loathing and wishing I was dead. I keep getting urges to purge the veg I eat&cut myself again to mums panicing but a large part of me needs to get worse as a punishment. I really don't know what I should do.

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replied April 18th, 2011
Eating Disorders Answer A22101


Your motivation for continuing with the treatments doesn't look strong.

The realization that you hate yourself due to the past trauma is not enough. This is definitely not an answer if you are looking to get back on track. I hope the therapy was focussed on finding a solution to this guilt and self-hatred. Without a solution oriented approach, it is just a futile exercise. Knowing your current situation is related to a past event can be useful only if you are motivated enough to get out of this.

It appears to me that you have got a few breakthroughs in the therapy. And you seem to acknowledge your self-defeating behaviors and thoughts. But when it doesn't still improve the situation, the problem is at the emotional understanding level. You may know intellectually about the guilt, self hate, etc. But it is vital to have an emotional insight into the matter. You also need to 'believe' that you can get out of this situation.

I suppose you have a vague question going on in your mind. "What I should do" may not give you specific answers and directions. You may need to ask yourself more specific questions to get practical answers and directions to follow. Going back for more sessions of therapy can be helpful. Three weeks may not be sufficient.

Hope this helps.

Abhijeet Deshmukh, MD

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