Medical Questions > General Forum Topics > Suggestions Forum

Do I deserve to live or not?

Hey everyone,

I’ve been debating if I deserve to live & be happy or not for a year and a half now and I can’t do this on my own… I often think about suicide and honestly it might be the best and right thing for me to do, which you’ll understand once you read further.

My life is in shambles. I have bad OCD and tend to obsess over things, but my problems right now go so far beyond OCD. I did something terrible and I’m not sure if I deserve to live because of it. I think about it constantly and I suffer from intrusive thoughts. I rarely feel like myself and I’m not acting like the person I want to be. I have seldom intermittent islands of happiness in a vast sea of fear, anxiety, remorse and sadness.

I’ve asked people online about this before and generally received the same responses from everyone, but it always felt like I left something out in my posts or parts of it felt a bit contrived. I’ve debated asking this again online and now I think it has to be done one last time. I’m at the point where I seriously either want to die or put all this behind me. I can’t keep living in limbo anymore; it’s a silly existence.
So, I’d like everyone’s honest opinion, should I live and move on or kill myself? Please judge this objectively and with careful consideration, you won’t have blood on your hands if you tell me that death is the best way, the truth is all I want. I don’t know what to do, so I will largely be using this to determine my future.

I think I've been a relatively ok person my whole life. I know I've done some good things like volunteering, giving to charity, trying to start a charity in Thailand while I lived there, helping out friends & family at times in small ways, trying to make sure everyone’s having a good time at parties (not sure why I do that so much), being vegetarian for a while for ethical reasons I believed in at the time, turning down sex with a couple girls until I was 20 because I didn’t feel ready and wanted to find the right girl, etc.
And then I’ve also been a dick a bunch too. I’ve lied a lot, I’ve cheated on tests, stolen from large chain stores and workplaces (some of which I returned later), I’ve said hurtful things to people just to be hurtful, I pushed my mom once in anger, I slept with my ex girlfriend when she had a new boyfriend, and have done a lot of dick moves because I thought it was funny, etc. All in all, I would say I’ve been not really good and not really bad, but ok. Except for one night in Thailand. One night in Thailand I really messed up and this is why I’m here now questioning if I deserve to live.

I was teaching English in Thailand for about 2 years and one night while living there I went out drinking in a city which is known primarily for it's red light district. I met a Thai girl at a bar and we got to chatting. We eventually went back to her place after the sun was coming up. When we got to her room I said how exhausted I was and lay on her bed fully clothed. She said she could stay up all night again and then took off all her clothes except for a thong and crawled into bed with me. We started making out and I was fingering her for a while until I noticed she'd fallen asleep. I think I shook her lightly, but she didn't wake up. To the best of my memory, I figured if I started to have sex with her she would wake up and then I could get laid before she was too far gone.
A month or two before this I had been with a different Thai girl and after I'd had sex with her once in the evening, I started to have sex with her in the morning while she was still asleep to wake her up and she woke up, and seemed into it, and it turned out great.
So, I guess I figured I'd do the same in this situation, or who knows what I was thinking, perhaps something more sinister. So, I put a condom on and, as far as I can remember, discretely took her thong off since I thought it would be creepy if she woke up while I was taking it off, though again, I’m not sure why I was so discreet. And then I started to have sex with her, but she didn't wake up. And then I think I thought to myself 'well I'm already having sex with her, so I may as well finish now.'
From what I remember, I felt shocked that she didn't wake up and I'm 99% sure she wasn't awake at any point during it. I do also remember thinking 'I better move her around so tomorrow I don't think I was being too discreet' so I made some mild attempts to wake her, moving her around a bit.Also, I do remember feeling aroused by it in some way, exactly how though I can't say for sure. And I do remember the fear of 'what if she wakes up and thinks I'm raping her' going through my head.
So then I finished and checked the condom (which hadn't broken), and left right away. I should have stayed at least, but I know afterwards that I was glad that she didn't have my number and probably didn’t remember my name, because I felt really guilty and ashamed about what had happened, wanted to put it behind me and was probably scared of something bad resulting from it for me.

At the time I was obsessing a lot over HIV and I guess I just sort of pushed it to the back burner. It wasn't until much later that I really truly comprehended what I’d done and by that time when I did fly back to Thailand to try and find her, I couldn't locate her. (though I feel I could’ve tried harder)
I feel awful about what I've done. This action went against everything I thought I believed about myself. I want to learn from this, move on and be an amazing person. To use this as a catalyst for living a great life putting tons of good into the world. But I just don't know if it's right to just move on and forgive myself and go on being happy after such a terrible action.

Sometimes I realize bad things about myself as well that might have contributed to it and further make me wonder if I can actually move on and forgive myself for this.
I realize now how sexually perverted I am. Usually I masterbate over regular porn, but I’ve also masterbated over a bunch porn I'm not proud of. On a few occasions over girls that were underage. A few times over my therapist (who I did see about all this). A few times over scenarios where I’d frozen time and was having sex with girls then, or something similar. Once after a rapey scene in a novel I was reading. One time about a year ago I was laying in bed and stressing on what happened and then soon after I started to masterbate, but then ended up masterbating over a rape scenario, which is messed and really made me question who I was. But, beyond this incident all my sexual encounters throughout my life have been fairly normal, and I know I will never ever have sex with a child or rape a girl. But, I fear these perceived sexual perversions played a role in what happened that night.
I also get brutal intrusive thoughts. Just as an example of how ridiculous these thoughts can get; when I was consumed with fears of HIV I used to get thoughts like ‘I hope I get HIV’ or ‘what if -insert absurd risk- will give me HIV?’ popping into my head. Weird, I know. But now I get thoughts that I want to rape girls popping into my head, which I don’t want to do and never will. But, maybe there is some element of truth to me being aroused by rape enough to have done it that night? Obviously some aspects of rape turn me on, like the actual having sex part, and the power and domination part of it, but I also think it’s despicable and never ever want to be a scumbag rapist and think it’s awful to do that to someone.
I’ve also had this specific event in Thailand pop into my head while masterbating. I think for the most part I’ve pushed it aside and felt gross about it, but I think one or two times I might have masterbated over it (though I’m not sure if I actually did that, it was a long time ago).

I realize as well how I have this dumb sense of thinking people that can't speak english well or who are from 2nd or 3rd world countries are stupid, even though that's an absurd concept. And, I think I am a bit racist on some small level. I don't want to think this way and I actively try not to and believe every good person should have the same rights and deserve equal respect, but I have to be honest and recognize that those notions are there subconsciously and that they maybe played a role in what I did to that girl.
I’ve also noticed I’m a bit jaded about Thai culture, which makes me wonder if there was some lack of respect there as well?
And maybe I started to view Thai women too much as sex objects during my time there?

Finally, one of my biggest fears; what if I was alright with the fact that she might not wake up when I started to have sex with her? What if I was apathetic and felt entitled? I'll never know with complete certainty that I didn't think that way.
And I'll always have lingering doubts as to why I was so discreet in taking her thong off and why I didn't try harder to wake her up (was I scared she’d wake up?) And, how certain was I that she would wake up when I initiated sex with her at the start of it? Did I think she’d for sure wake up or just that she probably would?
What if I was alright with the fact that she might not wake up when I started to have sex with her and I felt aroused by raping her on some level?
I highly doubt that I was actually aroused by the idea of rape at the time, but on some lesser level I feel it’s possible. I’m aroused by wrongness and maybe it being ‘wrong’ turned me on, though to what degree of wrongness I’m not sure. Did I think it was just wrong in that it was disrespectful or did I think it was rape? I really am not sure about this or what this all means for if I deserve to live or not.

And then, what if the worst case scenario is true: What if she didn't want to go all the way with me, and I thought she would probably wake up but I didn't care if she did, and I didn't really want her to wake up, and I was scared she would wake up during it and that’s why I didn’t try very hard to wake her, and I was aroused by the idea of raping her, and then what if I have a type of cancer causing genital warts (which can’t be seen) which there is no test for and she got it from me and develops cervical cancer, and she did realize what happened that night and this incident really harmed her psychologically and she’s suicidal as a result of it? And on top of all of this she got pregnant from it?
Then what is the right and best thing for me to do if all this is true?

I want to be an amazing person and feel like I can be if I let myself move on, find a way to forgive myself and stop obsessing over this. But in the face of this terrible act, which has potential to be even worse with a lot of speculations, I'm not sure I deserve to forgive myself, move on, or live.
I'm having a hard time deciding this on my own. Do you think I should forgive myself & move on, or kill myself, or just be depressed forever given everything? What about in the worst case scenario?

Thanks in advance for anyone who takes the time to read this long post and respond. I will be putting a lot of weight in my decision on your answers.
All the best,
Ben
Did you find this post helpful?
|

replied June 12th, 2015
Extremely eHealthy
Everyone deserves to live..............and I think that you should see a counselor to talk about your situation.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied June 13th, 2015
Active User, very eHealthy
Yes, everyone.
|
Did you find this post helpful?
Quick Reply