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Depression since eighth grade ?

So much stuff, where to begin....
ok. So ever since last year I have been feeling just so terrible about myself. My old phobias have resurfaced and I am left feeling out of place, unattractive, timid, unconfident, fearful, and just all around bad. This all started around August of 2008, when I had been dating the most beatiful girl i had ever known. In the end of the previous year I had gotten out of a dead end relationship and was beginning to feel refreshed and good when I dated this girl. I dated her for the duration of the summer, and when she went off to high school, things began to go awry. She started messing around with other guys, and I didnt even care, until one day she just broke up with me. I dont exactly know why but i didnt feel any remorse, but it set a time bomb ticking just waiting to go off. Later on that year, I saw one of my greatest fears, (vomiting, as strange as it may sound). I was panicking, and I couldnt stop shaking. That whole day just reaked havoc on my brain and my nervous system, and i think is what must have finally set off the time bomb. I first started to become lonely, and miss my old girlfriend, and think about her all the time, for about a year, all the while my phobia was getting worse. Every time I used to rush to school I had to run to the bathroom because my panicking induced diarhea. Until after a few months of this torture I decided to find out a way with my mind to stop the panic attacks. I did find a very effective way, but it also helped spawn a very terrible side of my subconscious that was beginning to spin out of control. The method was to keep telling yourself that youre not panicking, or youre not sick, or your not whatever. And it worked. But the evil subconscious side i mentioned earlier used this newfound power for evil. It told me things like, "You know your not good at something". And even if I was good at it I would suck it at. So anyway, the year progressed and a new problem arose. It was my best friend. No I am (or was, im not sure now), a highly impressionable person, especially to people whom I thought as great. I thought he was great and he did some things that I just ached to do. He got all the female attention in the school and I had virtually none. He was cool, I was not. So you catch my drift. At this point I wanted my old girlfriend (or a new one, I didnt really care at that point), wanted to be like my best friend, had an alternate subconscious inside me destroying anything it wished, and I had panic attacks. So my life was quite terrible at that point. Eventually I graduated and moved on to high school. Now high school, was a totally different ballpark.

In high school, my depression reached an all time high. I was in a place with a bunch of fake people who like fake things, cute girls, and a new sensation. This was my first exposure to the mainstream public school system, so naturally i didnt do too well. And my depression was worse than it had ever been. I hated everybody and everything. It was not a pleasant experience. Eventually I made friends but my confidence was never restored, and I was still miserable. Girls didnt seem to pay attention to me, and all I wanted to do was be myself, and I couldnt. I dont know why. All I want to do is be confident, be myself, not care what other people think, and not to too timid and shy to go out and do what needs to be done. Today I am still plagued by these problems, and sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I really dont look that bad, but then I go out and I feel bad. I just am so confused with life and its purposes, I just want my confidence back.
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replied January 28th, 2010
hello hun, you seem so smart. what you did before when you were young was so cleaver. keep telling your self don't panic . that is called NLP which is programing your mind by feeding it with positive massages and it is very affective. keep doing the same thing hun. write down 5 things you like about your self and post some nice massages in ur room like i am smart or i am good looking. when a girl or a guy try to draw attention it means there is something missing inside thats why guys or girls try so hard to attract others like the guy u were with. focus on something more important and try to make new friends whom positive and not shallow. write down your future goals and go after them ...University...making money...buying a car.... girls will come along teenage girls at this age thinks about sex more than relationships or love because of there hormons. guys too
you are brave, smart, good guy don't ruin ur life. try to see a school councilor it might help dear. live your life have fun don't miss all the fun keep some good memories so you can laugh at them when you grow up ( oh i really had a god time) don't worry about small things .
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replied January 29th, 2010
ya know, I was the same way in high school. I had a best friend who seemed to get all the attention from the guys (i am female btw), and it just made me feel so unattractive and depressed, and I SERIOUSLY lacked self confidence!! I am now 21, married, and very happy with myself. I look in the mirror, and say "hey, that's me, and I am smart and awesome, and I love life." Like the poster above me, you seem very smart, and that is an awesome quality all in itself, and can sometimes be our worst enemy cause us smarties tend to think too much, haha. Just relax, concentrate on OTHER things that make you happy besides girls, and things over the next couple of years will fall into place, at some point... Its a different age for everyone. And remember, girls are attracted to CONFIDENCE. Find something you love to do that makes you feel confident. A good suggestion is helping others, whether that be volunteering, or donating help/material possessions, or even just having a profound talent that you can share with others. Find that thing that makes you confident, and everything else will just slowly fall into place. Good luck!
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