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Depression, I've given up

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I'm 28, obese, poor, lonely, and I hate my life. I've tried many things to turn my frown upside down but, nothing ever works. I have extremely poor hygiene, so poor that my teeth have been falling out and I still don't care enough to do anything about it. I live with physical and emotional pain everyday and have accepted the fact that I will one day kill myself just like my father.
The only reason I have yet to kill myself is due to my Mother. I'm waiting for her to pass away before I kill myself because I saw the pain she went through when my father shot himself and I don't wish to put her through that again.

I have no friends and over the past year or so I've become very anti social, so much to the point that I wait until early in the morning to do stuff like grocery shopping so I'm not around many people. And I do not leave my house during the day for fear that everyone is judging me.

My job sucks even though I don't really have to work. I've become very negative over the past few years as my life has deteriorated more and more. Mentally my childhood was bad, as I stuttered constantly and was always a fat kid so, the jokes were definitely on me. I just don't seem to care about anything anymore other than the thought of putting my mother through another family suicide. I've had 1 girl friend my whole life and that only lasted a few months, which btw was about 7 years ago. The way I am now, no one would want me.

I'm disgusting and as you can tell a extremely negative person. I have no goals and my dreams were never going to become a reality. As I'm typing this I'm not sure what the point of doing so is. I guess I'm just wanting to put it down for others to see. I feel I have reached the point beyond redemption and think about ways to kill myself quite often for when the time comes.

I hate myself.
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First Helper teared04
Users who thank depressedpanda for this post: pepela 

replied March 27th, 2010
It made me sad (er) reading this. I don't understand why there are those of us who are destined to sttruggle with simply existing, but it is unfair. I wish I could say or do something to make things better, but maybe it will help to simply know you're not alone. If suicide weren't traumatizing to those we leave behind it would be a very attractive option to me right now also. I know we need help and life isn't supposed to feel this hard, but the treatment I have received in the past didn't do much for me. It feels hopeless and like there is no answer. I'm sorry for you and for me and for all of us. Good luck to you.
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replied April 15th, 2010
Hi depressed panda! well I also suffered from depression most of my life, and thought about suicide. but I guess religion prevented me from doing it. maybe you could try with Zoloft it turned out to be good. or if you dont want medication I suggets reading Soren Kirkegaard. In The Sickness Unto Death, Kierkegaard tells us that we are in despair, whether we know it or not. He tells us that we are failing to live up to our full human potential...Soren also claims that our troubles start when we refuse to take full responsibility for our lives, etc. Hope it helps!
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replied April 15th, 2010
have a hug Very Happy
oh wait. damn internet,doesnt send hugs yet.

hmmmm, invention time it sounds, but for now, i will store your hug.
you can be my friend, i love pandas.
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Users who thank KingPanda for this post: Trippyraver 

replied December 4th, 2010
i'm 20 and i have been experiencing this feeling for as long as i can remember. i'm sure that there is something in your life depressedpanda that is worth living for even if you might not yet realise it. if you think that you can't come up with anything, then create or search for something. perhaps a pet or a new job or something along those lines.
since birth i have struggled with issues relating to my health. anorexia, asthma, allergies and a deviated septem. as ive grown up more issues began to arise. i was never really able to make any long term close friends even with my family. my house was/is not the best enviroment to live in having 3 very misbehaving brothers and parents who can't seem to handle them.
i was always depressed and sometimes i just didn't feel like speaking to anyone. they'd talk and talk and talk but id never reply back. i don't know why but at moments i have this feeling like i'd rather keep my mouth shut than feel vulnerable and talk back to someone.
in recent times i have managed to diagnose several additional issues that have come light. i have now discovered that i have social anxiety disorder ( i get really nervous and axious around people and feel as if i'm being judged all the time), obesity (everywhere i turn someone is always trying to control this problem which makes me retaliate by eating even more),i'm hideous and have come to the realisation that i may never get married seeing as noone has ever shown an interest in me and why would they when i have drop dead gorgeous cousins. sometimes i get so depressed i just wanna scream or imagine just breaking or hitting something.
i constantly feel like nobody cares about me and that leads me to imagine getting hurt or killed. if i get hurt or killed, will people care about me then?
the only thing that's keeping me from going through with one of my fantasies is definitely religion. the other thing is that i can't believe that i would do something like that (that sounds strange but that's really the best way i know to describe it).
i have found that i have happy days and just need to hold onto them as closely as possible when i have an episode.
so what ever your feeling i've been there and ijust wanna say that no matter how alone or depressed you feel there is a way out. all you need to do is look for it. i really hope that you follow my advise depressedpanda before you make any sudden decisions.
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replied June 9th, 2011
Hey Panda
I can share your pain bro. I just hope that by now, seeing my reply is so late, that you've managed to find a different outlook on life.

That same pain, made me fight and fight and fight back harder because i knew i didn't want to drown in this. i fight to conquer and i never had any motivation except that single goal in my mind and my daily effort, little by little.

You've made one amazing step, in accepting there are flaws which can be improved. That believe it or not is the strongest first step to any level of improvement

Dont be disheartened my friend, i've seen scary moments in my life and i'm not proud of how i've dealt with them.

I'll share a small secret here with you, in anger and frustration, I've fisted a concrete wall, destroying my hand and underwent multiple operations using money i dont know where it came from. I still burn myself with my cigarette when infuriated with myself.

I was 370lbs, i was constantly abused by friends, quite literally their punching bag, i was the dumbest among all friends the least wealthy. I've had severely heart wrenching relationships when i broke up, sending me deeper into utter depression. I've had major legal and financial problems, interlinked at that, and dealt with them all where my family lost hope literally. I dealt not only with my family's financial and legal issues, but those same issues which led my dad to get 3 major heart attacks, and 3 clots in his heart needing open heart surgery. These are not cheap, not the surgery nor the meds during his rebuilding period. Only god knows how he helped me through this. But i never gave up, and i will never lose heart, nor determination to conquer.

i never gave up, i realized the first step to being accepted, was to accept myself first and understanding where exactly i stand, and in knowing where i want to be, i paid more and more attention to myself, creating a small image of where i wish to be, and i worked towards it. 2 years later, i'm in a much better position, but i know i still have a way to climb.

i'm not educated, i'm not smart, whoosh, i'm far from great looking, nor having any of the desirable traits which i see in others. But i have faith, and fight to remain positive always. Your life is what you make of it bro, not what other's dictate for you. In this forum, there are many willing to take that step to befriend you and show you a positive way of looking at life and renewing your faith in a happier life.

Im here for you on that count also.

Use google for inspirational messages. you dont need to be rich, have the best job or best looks to be happy. You'd be surprised how attracted guys and girls are to an inner glow. They are the genuine friends you want to keep around.

Shine bro, it's never to late and you can always reach me
Cheers and all the best
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replied June 15th, 2011
Add me: ... I wanna help you,
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replied August 5th, 2011
i am slim, according to the number of suitors attractive and have always been quite popular and driven. inside, i feel incredible pain since i remember times i just think i am hangging there for the sake of others and surprised how i can bear it. i can only say is not about anything external. I am not young anymore but when the guys were queing for my attention i still felt like a big NOTHING....i still do inside and i just try to take one day at a time and promise to myself that i will never allow myself to take away this miraculous gift of life, even if it causes me so much pain...i'd wish you could see the beauty within yourself and that you are still here...i can't stress enough how much Mindfulness based therapy might help. just self compassion all it takes and then, among all this suffering , one can enjoy moments of kindness and beauty. they are there, we just have to bear with the dark to get an occasional glimpse.
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replied January 23rd, 2012
I respect the fact that your a very loving and responsible son to your poor mother and don't want to cause her any more suffering. That alone shows you still have some love and human feelings left in you. And with those qualities you show you are a better person than many people who truly have no humanity left in them, of which there are many. I wont insult you with meaningless platudes, but I will say nomatter how you feel about yourself you DO have value as a human being, and your life has meaning. The more you give and do for others, the more you will respect yourself and realize you matter. Keep looking until you find something to live for. You may not have the best life in the world, but it's better than being dead. Believe that!
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