Medical Questions > Mental Health > Depression Forum

Depression... I think I have it. It's kind of a long story...

I was never good a making titles.
So I guess it all started pretty much at birth. I wasn't necessarily bred from the cream of the crop. My mother is a high school drop-out mainly because she slept with my crack headed father which got her kicked out of school after she had me. She also has bi-polar like my grandpa who had tried to kill himself on 6 occasions. Many of which resulted in him going to the hospital to get treated for Medication overdoses or stab wounds. Thankfully I born after the first 3 and only had to witness 2 of them.
Surprisingly Pancreatic cancer is what took him in the end.
You know I could go on about the other drug related problems of all my other predecessors but I'd rather not turn this into a novel. But yeah... I just thought I'd get the whole "my genes are garbage out of the way." Quickly so I could write about something else.

So the blocks are set I suppose but I actually only started to really feel down in the dumps at around grade six. I guess my childhood naivety kept me from realising that natural selection was trying to eradicate me. I was the target of many the psychological and physical beatings growing up. Kids are quite cruel to the poor and ugly looking. But that's common knowledge. But no It wasn't till about grade six that my positivity or at least what I would call positivity (as I was quite the timid young man and still am today.) Started to diminish. So I guess I should explain a bit more. Before actually hitting grade six we had been relocated quite a bit. Usually due to my father spending all of our rent money on crack and pot so we'd end up having to get a loan from my grandparents to find a new place in a new town. He'd always say to my Mom that if he got away from this town or that town that he'd change and her gullibility is what kept them together for 15 years.
During which I was being beaten on by kids I had hardly known as the only thing worse then being the kid who gets bullied is being the new kid in school who gets bullied.

Which happened far to many times then I'd like to remember... I had some friends here and there but I tended to try to distance myself as after the 3rd time I didn't want to say good-bye any more. So yeah the year I entered grade six was a big one. One I thought was going to change everything for the better. See during this year we had been living in our current residence for a year and a half. The longest place we've ever held up until that point anyway. I had quite a lot of friends and although I still wasn't very well liked I could handle it a bit better as kids weren't as violent in the school. It was nearing the end of the year though that my mother finally left my father which made us have to move once again. This time into a womens' shelter. This would be the second time we were technically homeless but thankfully it was the last we'd ever have to share a residence with him. Sadly my sibling and I lost all of our friends again but we'd finally start all over just by ourselves and for a long time it worked.

We lived in Co-Op building, my mom's mental stability kept her from working any longer so she went on disability which kept us afloat. We lived fairly decently and most importantly in peace. So 3 years passed by but when the building got infested with ants we decided to move into a town house. and we lived there for quite a long time too. Unfortunately though during the time we lived there my mother had a mental break down and was sent to a mental institution. My brother and sister were taken from us temporarily and a new storm started to brew because while in here vulnerable state she met someone only slightly worse then the first idiot.

She married him after only two months of knowing him. While he was around he would spend our money on his sick fetish porn and sex toys for him self and computer soft ware to make terrible techno music that he kept us up all night with. He got us kicked out of 2 place in the span of 6 months and we ended up in a motel.
Thankfully my mother got her head cleared up and managed to clean up his mess and found us a new place to live but she had not gotten rid of him yet. He almost got us kicked out of our current place but she finally came to her senses and got rid of him. So... yeah and now that leads me to here. Me, my current condition. During all this time I missed a lot of school so I eventually started seeing school counsellors
Quite a few of them asked me if I was depressed but I didn't really know how to respond. I have my nights I suppose. Where I'll constantly think of all the terrible situations I could be in next couple of years. There are nights where I wish My mother and father would have never have met. And then there are the times where I think about ending it but I'm much to cowardly and afraid of what my mother might do to herself is she were to find me dead. I have younger siblings and I'd hate to be the one that got them sent to foster care because of my thoughts on our situation.

The future is probably what makes me the most depressed though. As I have said I didn't go to school a lot and even when I did my grades were poor. I was also on many special ED programs like I.E.P. and I suppose that is another factor to my night time bouts with sadness. The fact that I couldn't even complete basic elementary or high school work without extensive help. Which was all for nothing anyway as I dropped out of high school a year ago... Now, well I'm not sure.
Many nights I keep my self awake with thoughts of being on the streets by myself.
I don't have many survival skills, I'm idiot who's only slightly good at playing video games but that's about it so I'd be pretty screwed. But in the end I think that maybe it's better in the long run. If I'm gone it leaves room for someone else to take up the resources I might have used and put them to better use. I don't know... I'd like to think like that all the time but that pesky want to live instinct keeps me from enjoying the thought of dying alone cold in the gutter somewhere... And if I'm not thinking about how I could end up homeless I keep myself sadly awake with the thought of all the things I know I missed because the crap hand I was dealt and the terrible choices I've made. I remember when my mom used to tell me never get married or have kids, and being the little kid that I was I happily agreed, but then every now and then I get melancholy and have "what if" thoughts about how maybe if things were different I could get things to work out in the end... Those are usually the worst ones too... They're the dreams that always feel out of reach because in reality I've symbolically chopped of my legs and now I'm too short to reach them, if you'll excuse my terrible analogy.

I've been offered medication before, though I've never directly stated to anyone the way I felt... I should probably tell my mom but she bares enough burden as it is.
I'm usually fine throughout the rest of the day but that's mainly because of my video games. They're where I always found solace whenever there was fights or I came home from a bad day of school. Or just during a rough weekend I could just pop in and escape reality for awhile. They used to be really good at making me feel better too. But lately I feel so crappy sometimes that I don't even feel like reaching for the controller to play. I've been also trying to find a job though so far I've only applied to one. There is a new store opening up near us so I'm hoping that even with my lack education that they'll maybe take a chance and hire me... But it's doubtful.

I've probably written way to much... but I don't know, this has always been something I wanted to do, just get it off my chest. I've never had close friends but strangely I feel enough comfort to post this in the anonymity of the internet.
Heck I've been up all night just contemplating if I should... and to be honest I still feel I probably shouldn't as I'm not really sure if I'm looking for answers or rather trying to gain a better understanding of the fact as to rather I do or don't have depression. But I thank you all for reading. As writing this had in a way made me feel better tonight. or rather this morning I should say now.

I also apologize for grammatical and/or spelling errors. I've looked over it a few times but it never stops me from missing easy-to-spot mistakes. I guess there was a reason I was in Spec.ED in the first place.
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First Helper User Profile Oneofus

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replied March 6th, 2012
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Now that is a long story.

Genes do not make you a potential drug user, or suicidal, or bi polar although many still believe that. It is your environment that has the biggest effect on you and you certainly did have a bad start and plenty of bad example. But the upside is, as it seems to have been envorinmental then it cna be turned around, with hard work and medical help.

SO you were abused both at home and everywhere. That is very sad and I so wish it hadn't happened. Kids can be very cruel as long as they are not the target themselves.

You saw "we" when referring to your living situation. Who does "we" consist of and what are they like?

Yes it certainly has all the right ingredients to develop into a very deep depression. My best advice is to get out as soon as you are able and live on your own as living with who you have is destroying any chance at life you have.

It's the survival inhstinct and the reason it's there is very primal. We were born with it way back at the dawn of when we became human. It's also called "hope".

What you've written is fine. Bit hard to follow the family make up but the general picture is crystal clear.

Yes, your analogy is terrible but inventive.

I say stop dreaming of the future and live for today. What are you going to do today? Video games or something constructive. You could read through the symptoms of depression on this site for a start or read many posts from others who will sound much the same as you.

All of you have choices. Let it slide and fall deeper into the black pit, or stand up and ask for help. Go see a real doctor and get a diagnoisis. A shrink is likely yo be your best help initially with meds and then a talk therapist is where you need to go.

The schooling thing? Can be solved at any age. If you get your head straight and live day to day and forget about the past and the future anything is possible, today. Right? Just don't aim for miracles. Frm here going up it's slow, hard and very small steps. Anything else will crash.

I woud suggest, apart from the medical side, mthat you concentrate on the schooling side as you need quals to make a go of life and even just to understand what's going on.

I would like it very much if you gave us progress reports, good or bad so we can support you through the journey as much as we can from this distance.

Good luck and don't give up. Hope is eternal.
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replied March 7th, 2012
Thanks for the reply Oneofus.

I most likely won't be able to keep you updated. I started regretting writing this as I woke up this afternoon so I'll most likely try to forget about this...

But your response was uplifting though so I thank you for that. I'll keep in mind some of the things you said though I've been told many times before, maybe one day I'll finally listen to people who say keep your mind in the present. My goals aren't much, really I'm just hoping I can find a job soon and maybe get a small apartment. Anyway this will most definitely be my final entry.

Also, It seems I forgot to mention that I've actually lurked around this site for about 2 years before actually deciding to post anything. I'll probably continue to read and maybe one day I'll have something helpful to say.

Thanks again.
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replied March 7th, 2012
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So what, most people watch, hoever and read before getting up the courage to join in and give your story.

Now that you havfe you have broken the ice and doing anything but continuing would feel like failure.

Of course you don't need to write back to me, or even this site. You can hhose anywhere really as there are so many sites.

You will find good people on all sites, and some not so good. You know tyhe difference already.

So please don't give up. Conyniue searching and asking for help. I tolfd you it was slow and very hard and it is. I actually took decaqdes before I got serious but think of all the time I wasted. Don't you do that, you are young and have the chance at life I threw away.
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