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Depression and Relationship Advice please hear my story...

Hello, for the passed 8 months I have been dealing with tremendous Depression and Anxiety. I had a dysfunctional child hood; my father was abusive to my mother and sexually abusive to my two sisters. I grew up very poor and with zero parental guidance. I am the youngest of 5 children. During my childhood my mother was forced into a mental hospital because of the trauma she went though with my father. That was a long time ago, she never received any counseling or help after that. Since then she has been depressed and in denial. My brother has dealt with mental illness his whole life, starting with sociaphobia, now he has permanent Depression/ OCD tendencies, is unable to work and has been on medication for years. Because of my brothers mental health issues, anger and violence when we were young kids/ teens I still was with out guidance, my mother was too busy making sure my brother wasn’t going to commit suicide. Anyways that just a taste of where i have come from. I am currently in a loving relationship; my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and love and respect each other immensely. He is my best friend and I wouldn’t imagine my life with out him, he had a troubled childhood a swell. When we found each other and fell in love I felt like I was on top of the world, and I still feel like the luckiest girl ever. After my boyfriend and I had lived together alone for 3.5 years we moved in with my mother to help her with her bills and rent. Living with her was stressful because my boyfriend is a very hard worker and my mother has issues with her pride and wouldn’t get a job that was considered lower then her current career (Part time Adult Literacy teacher.) This was very stressful, and caused a lot of strain on my relationship because my boyfriend was supporting my mother (this was not my intention, because I am the youngest and very close to my mother I assumed she could never do or say anything wrong, I am seeing things much differently now) She would make me feel guilty and imply that she was doing nothing wrong and that basically my boyfriend should not be complaining. Anyways one morning I woke up with bad anxiety and because I opened my eyes and saw my boyfriend, the thought popped into my head..." is it my relationship? OMG what if I don’t love my boyfriend anymore? This didn’t feel natural or right, I was confused and mad and scared and felt as if my world was ending. So naturally my mother being my closest friend I went to her for advice, I told her about my anxiety and how I have all kinds of doubts going on in my head, and how they didn’t feel right and that I love my boyfriend so much. My mother told me that my anxiety was fear and that I was afraid of my boyfriend because he was abusive and cheating on me... and that I should leave him. This was horrifying to hear, because deep down I knew this was all lies and not true, unfortunately being so close to my mom for so long I developed a dependency on her which made it hard for me to trust my own feelings and make my own decisions, and even understand myself fully. Anyways, I told my boyfriend this and he thought it was crazy, witch it was! It made no sense. After this, my life went down hill. I doubted every single thing I ever believed or thought. I started thinking all of these crazy thoughts, was I in love with other people this whole time? like this gay friend of mine? Was I a lesbian?They would consume me for weeks. And these thoughts became very obsessive; it was like because the thought popped into my head I had to make sure it wasn’t true so I had to analyze it. If I didn’t analyze it I had to suppress it and if I did that it made my thoughts even worse, I had very disturbing thoughts as well, if was convinced for months that I was going to become a pedophile like my father and that my whole like was a lie. And when I finally was able to get free of them, a new messed up thought would consume me.My boyfriend eventually moved out and got his own bachelor pad (this killed me inside but I couldn’t blame him) Eventually I left my moms and moved in with my sister, I couldn’t take it anymore, my mom was only making me feel worse (telling me I was in denial) and being selfish and I knew my sister would have some advice for me since she seemed to be living a healthy life considering the childhood she had. I went to my sister with everything, bawling my eyes out as if someone had died (this was an everyday thing) she told me that my mother said the same thing about her boyfriend (her now husband) she told me that my mom didn’t trust men and wasn’t in a good position to give advice to me because she had many problems of her own that she was not dealing with. My sister helped me to learn how to communicate a little better, which was very helpful for my relationship. Eventually my boyfriend moved in with me at my sisters’ house, as we still loved each other regardless of all this chaos. During the time at my sisters, the depression became worse, I started feeling guilty for every single thing I have ever thought or done, I lost my job and gained a bunch of weight, I spent countless days alone in her dark basement hating myself and wishing I would die, and thinking of ways to kill myself I told myself that my boyfriend didn’t deserve this and that I wasn’t good enough for him anymore, I called my sister everyday and told her about the constant obsessive doubts, I felt like I was confessing my sins. But I couldn’t forgive myself for them unless I told her, she went though them with me and reassured me that they are irrational and not true and that I have a lot to live for. Eventually I went to the doc to get antidepressants, I went off and on them a few times. Eventually my boyfriend and I got our own place in the hopes of making a fresh start, I couldn’t wait to get my life back and my happiness back, but as much as I tried I couldn’t stop obsessing and hating myself, I cried at least 4 times a day, sometimes for no reason. I started to have paranoid thoughts, even when I would try to be intimate with my boyfriend messed up things would happen, like my brothers face would pop into my head and I would be afraid to be with my boyfriend because of it, or when I would have a moment when I think about him, or when i felt love for him, a random guy that I thought was remotely good looking would pop into my head, completely ruining the moment and making me feel guilty, I started analyzing those thoughts to get rid of them but the more I thought about them the more I thought things like, you don’t love your boyfriend, you want to cheat on him with these people. This was CONSTANT.MY whole life would become about these people, i would be doing normal things with my boyfriend or family and I was stuck in this world, making it harder for me to be happy. Eventually I was afraid to be around these guys, like this guy at work whom I am not even attracted to. These obsessive thoughts linger in my head, my life became consumed with these thoughts, I started to get paranoid and avoid looking at these people or being near them for ear that I would cheat on my boyfriend. I am still dealing with this today, I go through weeks of the thought of another guy lingering in the back of my head, its killing me inside. These thoughts force me to ask myself if I really don’t want to be with my boyfriend anymore, but then I get reminded of how much I love him and that these thoughts are irrational.My sister told me that I need to realize that I am in controle of my life and that I am not going to do something that I truely dont want to do, but this advice is just words to me. I want so badly to have my confidence and controle back. And my life.I want to be happy again and not feel on edge, or like my relationship is going to end for a stupid reason. Every time I try to be happy this depression steals it away from me. My boyfriend and I have so many hopes and future plans, I used to daydream about our wedding day and being his wife, and having our own house and having kids and travelling together, he is everything to me. He’s my love, and my best friend. And he has stayed strong and stayed by my side through all of this, because he loves me. And it makes me SO mad that I have these thoughts. I have changed so much; I feel like my heart and soul have been ripped out of me, I feel lifeless and hopeless. When I look up depression symptoms online I have every single one of them, EVERY day for 8 months, and still I DOUBT that I am even depressed, I don’t even give myself the relief of knowing that this is all depression and with medication and help it will go away. My self esteem is shot, and I am very close to losing my new job because I have most of my negative thoughts at work and I cant smile or relax at work. When I wake in the morning the thoughts creep in right away. Now that I am on medication (wellbutrin) I am numb, I am still depressed and having messed up thoughts, it just now I don’t cry as often, I am stuck, constantly fighting this. My boyfriend and I are looking for our first house and coming from two poor dysfunctional families this is my DREAM. It has been our dream since we have been together, but I cant feel happy about it. All I feel is guilt, hatred and sadness. What I am searching for is someone who can relate to my THOUGHT process. Or who can give me advice. I have an appointment to see a therapist soon. I cant begin to express my appreciation for your advice and taking the time to read this, I know it is long and very detailed, so thank you for your precious time.

J.S


Jalisa
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replied March 4th, 2012
Experienced User
Hey,

You're quite right. It is long (mine are too). But my mind sees this and won't try to answer.

Could you maybe split it into parts, and call them parts 1,2 etc? Seriously as I do want to reply. Just concentration spans are a problem for most of us and long post can be impossib;e to tackle.

No offence at all, just help us hel you, OK.

Just to respond to the first part, your father should be in jail frankly. Can you all not do something about him in that way? He'll just get nastier and nastier so stop him while you can.

Much as I hate to say it he deserves what he is going through but jail is the best place for him to protect society.

I cannot even start to imagine the horrors and fear and suffering you all went through. Dysfunctional isn't the right word. Totally destructive is more relevant Please go from there and I hope we can help Ok? I'm very tired and making typos galore here so I'll stop and correct most then post. I found 18 typos so it was becoming nonsensical.
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replied March 5th, 2012
Hi, thanks for reply, my father spent most of his life in jail actually. My sisters were brave enough to tell someone at school what was happening to them. Then he died a year ago from throat cancer.
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replied March 5th, 2012
Experienced User
Reply 2
A relief to all. Good on your sisters for acting and the authorities for naling him.

Doesn't take away the pain of what he did but at least you knowe it won't happen any more.

You say you have been in a loving relatiosnhip for 5 years yet you have let your mother destroy what you had by listening to her miseries. Remember she was there when you were all abused so she is likely just reliving that stuff, wrongly. She would hate all men of course.

Your whole story and life have been affected badly by your father's actions and your mother's lack of ability to protect you all.

Your boyfriend has stuck with you and he does not deserve one word of what your mothers says (based on what you've said of him).

If you haven't already then you must get away from your mother. Let someone else look after her for a change or just save yourselves.

The thoughts of other men I am guessing are prompted by your lack of sexual experience outside your boyfriend and whatever happened at home. Most of us want to see what variety is like but if you're already happy then all you will create is more misery. Likely turn your boyfriend into an angry man and same old, same old, right?

You say you doubt you have depression yet experience every symptom listed. And you have been diagnosed with it as you have been prescribed a med. There is no room for doubt, you are in deep dear. Stop doubting it and work with your docs to get better.

Wellbutrin is my second worst med as it was originally marketed as Zyban, a stop smoking med. It caused a lot of physical illnesses and was big news for quite a time. Heart problems I seem to recall. Google it.

May explain the change of name and perhaps the chemical makeup as well as I have not heard the same problems with Wellbutrin. But, once bitten, twice shy. I wouldn't touch it. But that's my personal bias.

If it helps you then stick with it. It doesn't sound like it's helping as numb is not the object at all and you still suffer much of what you did. I'd suggest you talk it throught with your doc and be honest.

Have you considered that he too may be depressed? Being around your mum could have caused such so don't dismiss him for not understanding your thought process. Nobody does, not even you, right. Give him a break and think about him for a while hey? Is he OK? Does he need help? Some males are just too proud to speak up you know.

As to buying a house, well, yes, US housing is cheap right now but it sounds like there will be yet another financial bust in the next couple of years. If that does happen and you had bought a house then it would lose value as has happened to so many already. SO be very careful with this thought and get as much advice as you can. Not from real estate people as they will blatantly lie.

Seeing the therapist may help but again you must be fully honest. I have to say also that deep depression will overwhelm any benfits from therapy until your mood is lifted by meds.

You have a good man beside you. Do it right and hang on to him and work together. Don't throw it away on bad thoughts.
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replied March 5th, 2012
Thank you so much for your reply, I havent had another person be so incouraging (besides my sister). It is nice to hear kind words and advice from a stranger. My boyfriend I communicate very well, and i have told him everything (thoughts and all) from day one. I have also asked him countless times to epxress himself if he has been affected in any way buy any of his. The only thing that is frustrating him was the fact that I am not myself (depressed, confused and always crying). He misses me, and so i told him i would do absolutly everything i can to get myself back and to be happy again. He also understands that this is difficult for me. I have actually been with my share of intimate partners before meeting my boyfriend, so i dont feel like I am lacking in that way. I have been doing research and listening to my thoughts, I think I might be suffering from self esteem and identity issues. I dont know if this is possible but I think I "build myself" on how I believe other men see me, or acceptance from them. Anyways I will be taking to the therapist about all of my concearns, hope he or she can help me to understand what my troubles are and how to relieve myself of this depression. Thanks again for your reply. Take care.
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replied March 6th, 2012
Experienced User
Good for you, Let's hope things look up soon. You deserve it.
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