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depressed want anythingbut this.....

Wow wish I knew how to start... I hate my life I hate the cards I was delt the paths I was given feeling lost and like I have lost myself....I will try n make this story as short as I can. I was born a blue baby took dr 45 min to get me breathing.... sometimes I wish they didnt... my real dad molested me when I was a baby...my mom hated me went from home to home from the time I was born never was raised with my other siblings... when I was home I had to do all chores kitchen livingroom my siblings rooms laundry got spankings on a daily basis. .... one sibling I bonded with passed on in a car wreck had 2 miscarriages. .. 3 live births settled down with a man 15 years older than me...married him im not allowed to visit. Friends not like I have anymore due to being stuck at house with kids shoved up my ass 24/7. Never going on dates never really amounting to anything the man im with cheated on me for 3 years during this 3 year period I lost 3 grandparents and my best friend.... yet still here we have kids! I have been called names allmy life from ppl I love mom, siblings husband..,,,, I have no life in my life no freedom here in the land of the free. I have tried many times when I was younger to take my life not in the last 24 years my youngest atempt was when I was 6.... the only thing the atempts do was cause heart problems.... ive been abused every wich way and for some messed up reason still here today I am 31 now my life is getting old my record is brken repeating the same anoying song day in and day out. I feel dark disterbed lost broken and I just dont care.... I dont care about anything I put this mask on but the mask is starting to chafe my soul...I try to tell myself there are people in worse lifes than me but that dont help...... ty for listening...
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replied September 3rd, 2014
Hey Bridget, I can safely say I have been where you are regarding abuse in this life and reading your post only tells me you are looking for something, if anything to make sense of it all. One reason the circle keeps repeating itself is because your brain is tricking you into focusing on the past and what you have been through. Depression is in it's simplest form, a chemical imbalance, no matter the cause(s). If you truly wish to break the cycle, you have to focus on the therapies and you have to start now. If your brain has a chemical imbalance, you have to correct it. Some people use pills given by doctors and others don't even try. The trick here is to correct your chemical imbalance. This is truly where you start as I have found in my own struggles. I no longer personally struggle with the pain and misfortune because I have taken back control of my brain. Think of yourself as having two brains, one that tells your body what to do and feel and the other that you have complete control over but are being tricked into giving control to the lesser more compulsive brain. YOU have control over your thoughts if you want it. You have to take back control of your thoughts and take responsibility of your therapies, no matter where they come from. You have to want to be happy, which I believe you do, and you have to be pro-active, basically waging war against yourself and your feelings. Take back control of everything that you once lost, control over thought, and control over emotions and re-correct the chemical imbalances that have taken you over. Pills in my opinion are a forced way to correct them and they do NOT deal with what causes the imbalance. You can take pills for the rest of your life because of this imbalance, or you can re-correct this imbalance by taking back control over what you are thinking about at any given moment. Pay attention to what you are always doing and thinking and take back control. Instead of feeling sad in the morning for example, know you are feeling sad, but choose to focus more on getting and eating breakfast. This type of therapy takes practice, but even doctors can only help you find your answers, they don't have them. A quote from Einstein showed me the way in my own life which states, "the problem is never apart from the solution" which means the solution is always imbedded in the problem. Think of it this way, if you cut off your finger, it takes the part of your finger that's missing to fix it. Otherwise you end up with half a finger. But if you act fast and get that part reattached, you have your finger/life back. Make sense? You have to fight this war with yourself and the stronger you become, the easier it is to become even stronger each and every day. Smile Hope it makes sense, sincerely (35 yr old. Depression Destroyer) without pills - Lee
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