Medical Questions > Mental Health > Depression Forum

Depressed for 45 years.

I know that I have been clinically depressed for almost 45 years. It's because I'm not an attractive woman. I found out that I was ugly when I was 6 years old. One day coming home from a new school in a new neighborhood, all the kids surrounded me and was punching me say that I was so ugly. I never told my parents or my siblings about it because I was so embarassed. All of my family members are very attractive except for me. The only way I could find the love that I wanted was to have sex. I stopped having sex when a friend I was having sex with turned on the light and looked at me and my body; when he did that he immediately lost his erection. I haven't had sex since. Every man that I've had a relationship with messed around on me; every one! You would think that after all these years I would be able to give the love that I have inside me but I don't think that it will ever happen. I don't want to kill myself because it is a great sin and also I love my daughter and grandson too much. I just want someone to love me for who I am which is a very intelligent, witty, loving, caring, compassionate, and thoughtful woman.
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replied October 19th, 2010
You focus on the bad side so much that you neglect the good sides you have.
You want to know how I know it? You practically wrote an "essay" about just one thing- "being ugly", and you mentioned so many of your positive sides IN ONLY ONE LINE!!! Try elaborating all of those nice things you said about yourself in a text as long as this one, maybe then you will become more aware of those good things. As you become more aware of them, they will be stronger.

As for being ugly - in my humble opinion, there are very few people who are truly ugly, but sadly a lot of "ugly people" don't feel attractive enough and they don't take enough care of themselves. Would you look better with a smile? Or a different haircut maybe? Smile Work on yourself, you owe it to that intelligent, loving, caring woman you see on the inside!
As for the kids' comments, you shouldn't have let that get you!!! Kids are cruel just for fun, it doesn't mean anything personal, especially not 45 years later!
Same goes for sex too, you shouldn't have let that one bad experience get you! I think every woman has experience with partner losing erection. It doesn't matter! Sex is passion more than looks anyway, once you and your partner get naked, you both know you want each other, so think of passion, forget the negative self-image you have.

I think your entire problem would be solved if you put more joy into your life and work on yourself by pointing out the GOOD sides. You have a daughter and a grandson, I'm sure they can give you the joy you need, and with that joy it's be much easier to be positive!
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replied October 20th, 2010
That was just the tip of the iceberg. Along with molestation, rape, and a lifetime of humiliation yes, it becomes hard to focus sometimes. Just recently when I went to visit my sister, she introduced me to a friend of hers; he started laughing and pointing at me and said, "you have to be kidding, she couldn't be your sister". So yes I do have a hard time being positive.
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replied November 4th, 2010
Hope This Helps
try using other methods to focus outside of those negitvie feelings, i know how it feels just about everyday, i would think ive gone insane but i schedule out my day with listening to comedy radio as if they were my friends, watching tv shows and movies, for entertainment and escaping my "perception" of reality, and i listen to music to help relax me because it makes me feel like im not the only one, when i do have to conversate with other people, i use it as an oppertunity to better myself by focusing inwardly(not selfishly) but with kind deeds towards people, but more so within my own imagination on the reasons why things are the way they are, im not saying go completely out of reality, but if there are aspects that cause negitvity or hurt, why would you want them around, instead find your inner creativity and explore all the wrealms that are you in hopes that one day that love will come to you, creating a positive world around you also increases your hope for an opening for finding that warm loving feeling. i know ill find it one day, i hope my advice helped you, cause i know sometimes its hard to stick to it even when you know the answer ,,,,im a musican by the way,
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Users who thank random8442 for this post: justwantlove 

replied November 4th, 2010
Hope This Helps
try using other methods to focus outside of those negitvie feelings, i know how it feels just about everyday, i would think ive gone insane but i schedule out my day with listening to comedy radio as if they were my friends, watching tv shows and movies, for entertainment and escaping my "perception" of reality, and i listen to music to help relax me because it makes me feel like im not the only one, when i do have to conversate with other people, i use it as an oppertunity to better myself by focusing inwardly(not selfishly) but with kind deeds towards people, but more so within my own imagination on the reasons why things are the way they are, im not saying go completely out of reality, but if there are aspects that cause negitvity or hurt, why would you want them around, instead find your inner creativity and explore all the wrealms that are you in hopes that one day that love will come to you, creating a positive world around you also increases your hope for an opening for finding that warm loving feeling. i know ill find it one day, i hope my advice helped you, cause i know sometimes its hard to stick to it even when you know the answer ,,,,im a musican by the way,
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replied November 5th, 2010
Thoughts About Depression
My name is depression. I am the animal who prowls at the back of your consciousness waiting to devour any joy that comes into your life. I will drain you of your energy and convince you of your complete worthlessness.

I am more dangerous than any enemy you will ever encounter because I take your mind as well as your body. Unlike other adversaries you may oppose, I am the unseen unheard enemy. My tactics are subtle but devastating. I can take you in a room of a thousand people, and make you feel as though you're totally alone. Hopeless, helpless, useless. These are lies I speak in your consciousness to destroy your self worth. If you give me free reign over your mind, I will destroy you.

I will demoralize you to the point that all those you love are affected by my antics. Then I will begin to convince you that the world would be better off without the likes of you. Give me the opportunity and I will convince you that the only viable option for you is suicide. Then those who have been affected by your mood swings, your sadness, your crying and "depression" will not have to deal with it, and you any longer. The devil has found a strong ally in me for we both desired two utterly tear you down in mind and body.

We are not without our weaknesses though. I can be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and aggreviated by adverse circumstances. Seek professional medical and psychological help and you can weaken or even destroy me. Above all, do not place you're trust in God. He is the enemy of all the work I do to tear down souls and destroy them. Seeking God's help and relying in God's mercy will weaken me and loosen my hold on you. Good sound medical and spiritual help must be avoided at all cost if I am to have control over your life. Because of this I will try to convince you that you are beyond all help and all hope. Believe me and my grip on you will be ever tightened until I destroy you.
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