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I don't know where to start. But I know I need help, and I'm trying my best to at least cut back on my cutting. Uhm, I guess I'll just put up the short version of the story and you can contact me if you want to know more in order to try and help. I don't care if you cut, used to, or never did. I just want to stop, eventually.

My great-grandma died in January. I started cutting then, and hid it well. Once April hit, I had a job and a lotta scars hiding under my uniform. I would cut when I was mad, stressed, forgot to do homework, almost any and everything set me off for a while. I stole exacto-blades from the art department at school... I was so ashamed that I'd lock myself up in my room and stopped eating. In May, I met this guy "Kenny." We like each other and all that, you know how it goes... Well, "Kenny" was over and noticed the crap-load of scars and made me promise that by the end of the year I'd e done cutting. I promised. June was a bad month. "Kenny" was arrested, and I cut a lott. And I purposefully cut where he'd see them. July, well, wasn't much better. Him and I still talk, I blame him for the cutting to his face and still feel guilty about it.

Throughout the whole time, I've been trying to find other ways to get the pain I want to badly. I've gotten 13 piercings, and have no where else I can really pierce without it being an issue with my mom (who doesn't know I cut at all), and a tattoo. Those helped. But I can't be covered in ink and metal. But I know I can't be covered in scars either.

I've attempted suicide ONCE. I took a bottle of pain pills, then freaked out and threw them all up and called the doctors and told them I accidentally took the wrong pills. I've thought about suicide more than I care to mention, mainly because I hate how people react when they find out I cut. "Kenny" is the only one who doesn't make me feel like what I'm doing means I need to be hospitalized. He cares, and knows what to say because he's been there...

I recently took apart a razor and dug it into my ankle. It felt so good, but when "Kenny" found out, I cried when he told me that he cut before and he doesn't want me to go through that crap. I admit, sometimes I cut just for the attention I get from some people. I know that self injure isn't "right", but it helps.

I want to at least cut back on my cutting. I can't hide the cuts/scars anymore. And I can't keep lying to my family...

Any suggestions/advise/help would be greatly appreciated.
I know its long, and I apologize for that... Trust me, this is all just the tip of the ice berg.
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replied August 30th, 2008
i use to be the same way and i found that what helps me is i keep a rubber band around my wrist and whenever i feel like i need to i snap myself with the rubber band so i dont think cutting becuase the rubber band hurts just as much and dosent leave scars it leave red marks but they go away
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replied April 6th, 2009
cutting
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replied April 6th, 2009
TALK TO A TEACHER AND GET THE HELP YOU ARE DESPERATELY SEEKING.
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replied February 11th, 2012
I used to cut, too. I'm much older now, but I finally quit cutting last year. The rubber band on the wrist (snapping it hard, when you want to cut) is very helpful. I think the biggest thing that helped me quit was Learning that how hurt I felt was only temporary and I could forget about it by getting active - doing something. i took up painting (I'm not good, but it's a great stress releiver - and I can get my feelings out on the canvas. Some of them are pretty bizarre, but then I realized most well-known painters did some pretty bizarre stuff, too). Helping other people was helpful, too because I realized there are many people out ther worse of than me. When I focused on helping them with their problems, I forgot my own - and they appreciated the help. And -yes- I'm going to say it: If that doesn't help, talk to a guidance counselor or another counselor. They are usually pretty cool and won't tell you parents because there is a privacy thing they have to adhere to. It really helps to talk to someone like that because they won't judge you and will respect how you're feeling. Believe it or not - there are people out here who really care; Sometimes you may just not realize it. You are a very special person in the eyes of God. Give your troubles over to Him because we can't carry the load by ourselves. I'll keep you in my prayers.
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