hmmm. well this is quite hard for me to just write down? kuz' im just so used to keeping everything closed up inside and not letting anything out, the only way to release is crying, i just feel closed in. to be honest. it all started when my mum and dad started argueing. it was little things, like money? then it became things like me, and my brother and sisters. i hated it. for days i didnt eat or sleep, i couldnt stand it, before we were all so happy &now i felt like my world was crashing down. my dad got so depressed and my mum didnt seem that bothered. the odd tear now and then, but i guess she was just worried about money. my dad though? he loved my mum more than anything. i hated my mum. for everything. its her fault this all happened, my dad was so paranoid, but i dont blame him for being with a mum like mine. i was ashamed of her. one day me, my mum, and my little sister slept at my friends house, my mum was her mums friend aswell so we were fine. i was happy. my mum got really drunk though, and i just got so angry.i couldnt stop thinking about my dad. my mum told me to turn my phone off, i didnt, but i dont see why, i never got anything? nothing happened!? and still now, i wonder why she wanted me too. in the morning my mum had a hangover and was in a really bad mood. we got out onto the drive, and my mums car was gone. it had been stolen, so we rang the police and walked home. my dad wasnt home. my eighteen year old sister nancy was in bed. jacob, my older brother was out too. it was just another day for me. till the evening i started getting worried. i was thinking constantly about my dad. i went onto our family computer, and was, i have no idea why, going onto microsoft word. i saw a document called, "the last goodbye" and clicked on it. for what i saw was the end of the world. my dad had left a note, im not sure why, i dont know if it was a suicide note, or just a goodbye note. still, i couldnt breath. my lungs were filling up and i felt like i was gonna callapse. i ran to my mum shouting "hes gone, hes gone" screaming, and my mum had no idea. she got my sister out of the bath and came down. when she saw what had happened she cried, a little. i felt like hitting her so hard. my daddy was gone, and i couldnt even say goodbye. my brother got home, and saw it too. he rang the police straight away. nancy was cooking at this time, and my mum told her to see it. i was shouting "no, no, please- no nancy, dont, please. for me." she just thought i was being stupid. she walked in and read it. she cryed, and screamed, so much ive' never saw before, she just ran out and went next door, to her best friend vicky. then vickys mum and dad came round to see if everything was okay. my mum told them to !**@! off and stay out our business. but i was glad to see someone civil. i wanted to die. the police came round and my emotions were running wild. they kept asking stupid questions, i went next door, to vickys and couldnt stop crying. her dad kept trying to comfort me but all i could think about was my dad. i was thinking, he's probably on the plane right now, leading a new life, or he's killed himself. those thoughts inside made me physically ill. they told me that his passport was at home, in this thing he locked all his precious things in. there was millions of pictures of me and lulu, (my little sister) and my brother and sister. one of him and my mum, and my mums car keys. i'd figured he'd took my mums car, tipped it somewhere, and gone. later on, i'd carmed down, and the police came round. they'd found him. finally, my paranoia had finally settled, and i was OKAY. ever since i've suffered insomnia, so bad sometimes i just dont go to sleep at night. he was back home a few days later. but throughout this he had to go to a mental institute so he wouldnt do it again. but in his car they found pills, he smelt of alcahol so badly, there was smashed glass everywhere. the argueing eventually stopped and one day my mum told my we were moving out. i was mortified. but i felt maybe this is for the best. i'd miss my dad so much, i've always been a daddys girl. my mum tried to make us happy but it never worked. me and freya had been best friends for ever &the house was directly opposite to hers. i was ecstatic! as we moved in things got alot better. i was still at primary school at this time, just leaving, and i was heading up to wreake valley. the only friend i knew was niamh, we werent close at all, but now, were joint at the hip. i go everywhere with her. after a while, freya changed. i didnt like the new her. we'd fall out every so often but things got serious. she bullied me. she cyber bullied me? bullied me to my face? got her 16 year old cousin to threaten me? i hated my life. i was so suicidal it was pathetic. she said things to spite me about my dad, saying he was a mental case, just like me, and things which wouldnt hurt people, but to me, killed me inside. i hated her. she ruined my life. i made alot of new best friends? they were the true ones. i knew it. lotties amazing. we share EVERYTHING and i love her so much. i also met ashleigh. shes one in a MILLION. shes helped me through everything &i guess, im only twelve, but i've tryed to help her too. shes always been there for me, and i count on her for everything. shes just amazing. theres nothing more to say about her. lately lottie and chloe have been, as you could say, been a bit, off with me. i just thought things arent too good atm. but i've realised they hate me. now everythings coming back. im depressed. i know it, and i cant help it, but sometimes i cry myself to sleep, im really sensitive and whenever people judge me i cry. i cry ALL the time. i cant help it. i really think im depressed, im just so negative. i dont blame anyone for this but myself, i just HATE my life. ive been suicidal but now i know thats not the way. i try to stay strong, smile, and be happy- but it never helps. please. help me?
Did you find this post helpful?
|

replied February 22nd, 2010
It will get better
I'm very sorry about your troubles, it seems you have allot of friends to help support you here, let them know- talk to a counselor if you have thoughts of suicide, its not a path you wanna go down, it'll hurt allot of people- your family and friends if you do. It'll all get better with time. Don't hate your life because you have so much to live for. It'll all get better =], its just a really difficult time right now, if you are religious i would encourage you to go to church and seek faith in God. You are very important don't think otherwise. Talk with your friends, Ashleigh seems like she's there for you, it'll make you feel allot better!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 23rd, 2010
thankyou, this helps alot. and yeah, ashleigh was the one whos got me throught this all and i thank her alot for it(: and thankyou, im not religious but thanks anyway. and i know suicide, its the wrong path to go down but it was all i had, i know i shouldnt have thought about it, but i felt it was all i could do to stop things hurting. i knew it would hurt my family and friends, but me being me, selfish, as usual, wouldnt think about what they would be going through after kuz' tbh i just wanted to go away and that be the end of me.
grrr.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 23rd, 2010
Active User, very eHealthy
Suicide isn't selfish at all. I don't get why people think that.

Everybody says it will hurt others, but a person who is driven by suffering to do it, because they have no viable options, is the one who isn't being cared about. No one ever considers the suicidal person who is obviously in pain, how could some one say to a person in immense trauma don't do it because it will hurt others.

That's actually the selfish way of looking at it.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied February 27th, 2010
Experienced User
you dont get it because youve obviousley never dealt with iy. ive had 6 suisides and one failed attempt in my family, MY MOM, AUNT ,GFATHER, GFATHERS BROTHER , GGFATHERAND the last one 2 days ago. my little brother. it is very selfish because your solving your problem and leaving it to everyone else left behind. ive been there tooooooooo many times and im so tired of it. he left 2 beutiful daughters behind for what his wife found someone else well so what was it worth it. no. BUT HES GONE JUST THE SAME.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 28th, 2010
okay well sorry to hear about that im very sorry for your loss and i know you must be going through a lot at the moment and well so i am just stay strong babe.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied March 2nd, 2010
Experienced User
im sorry i ment to put to the woops person i ment no dissrespect to you or your story read my profile and youll get why i wrote that. again very sorry did not mean for that to sound dirrected towards you.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied June 19th, 2011
'uosdhuoashrf#
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied June 19th, 2011
aetrasyayaaa
|
Did you find this post helpful?
Must Read
Do you know how doctors define clinical depression? Learn more about this brain disorder and types of depression that doctors diagnose here....
Can depression run in families? Can hormones really make you depressed? Yes! Learn more about causes and conditions of clinical depression here....
People with depressive illnesses do not all experience the same symptoms. Do you know the signs and symptoms of depression? Read on to learn more....