Medical Questions > Mental Health > Bipolar Disorder Forum

Dealing with Breakup with Bipolar Boyfriend

I'm 26 years old and about a month ago, my boyfriend and I broke up after a 6-month relationship. We started out really happy and had a really great relationship. I found out quite early on that he was taking lithium, seroquel and lexapro. I honestly didn't know that much about bipolar disorder and depression so I decided I couldn't toss him aside just because he was suffering from these conditions and I appreciated his candor. I decided to learn more about it and see where things could go. Things did move pretty fast though as he pretty much moved in with me after about 2 months together. He was really into me and I had met his entire family and the two of us were very happy. Then about 4 months in he lost his sex drive. He then told me he wanted space and that he wasn't sure he wanted to be in a relationship and wanted to take a break. I was totally blind-sided and gave him some space. Then 2 weeks later he told me he wanted to break up. He said he wasn't as attracted to me as he had been before, which was painful to hear. During the course of our breakup conversation upon realizing that we were actually breaking up he wanted to take back his words and try to be in a relationship.
I agreed to try and make it work and the next 2 weeks were great until shortly after thanksgiving when he stopped attending class and he stopped going to work. He missed all of his finals, would go out and get drunk every night and come home and sleep all day. I was really worried about him and would buy him groceries. I even let him borrow money to pay the rent for his apartment he never stayed in. I was totally drained, but I loved him and thought that this was just a phase and I could help him get through it. When he wasn't sleeping, he wouldn't want to hang out with me. He preferred going out with his drinking buddies instead. Then I went home for about 2 weeks to help my father who was recovering from heart surgery. The day I left I had a bad feeling because he had been so distant, I didn't want to leave him in the state he was in, but he assured me that we would be fine. The next day he went to a party, got high on shrooms and slept with two different women. He told me about it on the phone and it killed me. For the remainder of my time at home he didn't take my calls and laid low at my apartment. When I returned he said he wanted to try and make things work. He said he wouldn't drink or do drugs and would try to be more present with his relationship and his academics. I had hope that he would change so I agreed to continue the relationship. Finally, two days later he told me he was going out to drink w/ his friends and he didn't know when he'd be back. That's when I knew he wouldn't change and we broke up.
We've been apart for a month now. It's been really difficult for me because he seems like he's perfectly happy. I know he is still having issues. He told me a few weeks ago that he did "massive amounts of cocaine" and that he's been having insomnia and is now completely off all of his medications, but it feels like I've been completely forgotten. I called him a few times to tell him I missed him or to check in and he has responded w/ anger saying that I need to get over him. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but it's been hard because I can't understand how he could just stop caring and be so self destructive. It's also been difficult because he pretty much goes out and parties every night. I know he's sleeping with other women and it hurts because he had no sex drive with me, but he cheated on me and is now sleeping around.
The hardest part is that I'm not angry with him for putting me through all that anguish. I know that deep down he's an amazing person and we had a great relationship before all of this. I don't plan on contacting him since he now gets annoyed when I do, but it's been really hard to come to terms with how he's treated me and how he completely checked out of life in the end.
Did you find this post helpful?
First Helper mosh2326
|
Users who thank SR17 for this post: Lastman13 

replied February 10th, 2011
Any help on shedding light on his actions would be much appreciated. I wish I could help him through what he's going through, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want me in his life right now.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 15th, 2011
Hello there, im sorry it took me a while to reply, okay, I read your post, and this guy seems to be all out of control. He may have bi-polar, but he doesn't seem like he wants to treat it and get better if he is doing all this substance abuse. Im sorry to tell you this dear, but when you met him, he probably wasn't thinking of a relationship. Now, medications CAN decrease sex drive, some men have a hard time getting aroused, or ejaculating, its not about the woman, whatever medication he was on, a side effect could have been decreased sexuality. Most men talk to their doctors and get something else prescribed to them. About cheating on you, if he stopped taking all his medications, [which you mentioned] he probably could have gotten aroused with these woman, but once your on medications for bi-polar, you stop taking them, huge withdrawls will happen, to numb these withdrawls, it seemed as though he turned to different drugs, shrooms cause hallucinations, cocaine is an upper, drinking is a downer, this all shouldn't be mixed, he is going to have to sit in a rehab center, detox him of everything, and make sure he is watched, because once he's sober of everything, its not going to be a pretty site. Its a good thing you aren't with him anymore dear, I know its hard, but at least you see it before things got even farther. This guy seems so messed up, its going to take more than one treatment to help him. Bi-polar is a mood disorder, its caused by a chemical imbalance in a persons brain, to help this imbalance, medication are prescribed, they have severe mood swings out of no where, and can fall into deep depressions for no reason. Medications can help if the psychiatrist finds the right one to treat this. But once your on a medication, its very hard to get off, because if you miss a day of it, your brain is so used to having that right chemical put into the body each day, and you can become 10 times worse, for a patient that wants to get off medication, the psychiatrist will lower the dosage each week. Some people end up in insane asylums if they stop taking medications completely, in your ex boyfriends case, he decided to turn to street drugs and help numb this. I know this hurts you, I'm sorry he has done this to you, no one deserves this, but you have to know, he isn't in his right state of mind, he hasn't been, the drugs have taken over because he decided he doesn't want to get better, he made this choice and I feel so bad for anyone that he hurts, he needs to seek some help so he can get off those drugs and be put back onto the correct ones, or lower the dosage on his regular ones and find something else that will make him better. I wish you luck dear, don't blame yourself, before you met him, I'm sure he's done drugs, you just didn't know about it, and for some reason, he's turned back to them. I'm hoping he finds the treatment he needs, just remember, he is the one who is at fault, not you, he chose this, and its not your fault he didn't get aroused with you, drugs make people do/think/act wayy differently. I wish you the best of luck, hoping you find a great guy you deserve, everyone has that "bad apple" in there relationship timeline, I know I do to, my ex cheated on me also and got high, so I understand your pain, But now I'm with someone amazing, and you will find someone too! Good Luck with everything! If you need anything else, write back Smile
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 15th, 2011
Thank you for your supportive words. It's nice to talk to someone who has been through something similar. I've turned to friends and family, but they just don't understand why I'm so upset over a guy who treated me so poorly. We were really happy once and I really miss those times. It hurts because he doesn't want contact with me so I have no idea how he is doing or if he's still off his meds, etc. I called him over a week ago and he was so mean to me, like he doesn't even know who I am. He seems like he is perfectly happy and his life is going really well while I'm in pain and having a hard time getting over him. I just wish I knew that he missed me or that he was in some pain over our relationship ending, instead it seems like he's having fun going out, getting drunk, and sleeping around.
As for his drug use, I have no idea if he's regularly using them or if those were isolated incidences.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied April 1st, 2011
Experienced User
you are normal, he is not.
Thats why you are in pain, you cannot get over the relationship, you still miss him and love him. He is the abnormal one, mine did it too, left me for another woman in a day!!! Left her and came back to me in a month, he does not know what he is doing.Now he went again, saying he does not love me and if he stayed with me he would cheat on me. Nobody deserves that.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied April 10th, 2011
Experienced User
wow i can relate to these stories. i once had a guy friend who was bipolar. and he used to have feelings for me.but one thing about him is he never could tell me he loved me although he did tell me he cared once. but i had to seperate myself from him for a few years because everything i did upset him and i got obsessed. so when i came back to being his friend he acted like he never had feelings for me and he still is this is how i put it. empty no feelings for me at all. i dont get it 3 years ago he had feelings for me but now hes moved on and currently has a crush on a girl who only wants the 3 letter s word. i feel that i am dumb and not pretty since i havent been able to get a boyfriend since thats smart. but i have moved on because its obvious he has no feelings for me anymore and probably never will because its been a year. i will find someone i just have to be patient
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied May 2nd, 2011
Experienced User
Something similar happened to me. I had a nearly two year relationship with my girlfriend, and sometimes she was so in love with me that I felt guilty for not being able to match her intensity. She lives a good ways away, but she told me how much she would love to see me over spring break. When I got there, she barely wanted to touch me for the first couple of days, told me that she did not want to "do this anymore", and that she had fallen out of love with me. She finally admitted that she thought she loved me, but every time she said, "I love you" it sounded kind of hollow. We did not really become intimate until the last day I was with her.

Things ended on a positive note, but when I returned home, she never called me, would not answer my phone calls, and would usually only answer my texts with a short reply, if at all. This did not make a lot of sense, because after two years, it seems unlikely that someone would suddenly stop being able to feel love so quickly and for no reason. When I started researching bipolar disorder, I realized that it was almost certainly a symptom of depression.

Even though we were previously engaged, I realize now that this was a mistake. It is not that bipolar people are incapable of love, but that their disease is often stronger than their love. I still love her, and I have a feeling that she will come around eventually, but I realize now that being in a committed relationship with a bipolar person will be a difficult and draining experience. I had to deal with a month of hell and thousands of pages of reading about the disorder in books and research journals to realize this.

You should never give a bipolar person your love unless you understand the difficulties a long-term relationship entails, and your bipolar partner is willing to follow a treatment plan designed by a trained psychiatrist. I realize now that, even once she comes around (and I think and hope she will), I am no longer willing to be any more than close friends, maybe a little more. If she ever makes a serious commitment to managing her mood swings, then I will be willing to make the sacrifice required to have a serious relationship. That is my advice to you as well.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied June 18th, 2011
I find it so helpful to read this. I broke up with my girlfreind 6 months ago and can't seem to move on. I still love her. I new she was taking antidepression drugs and then found out they were for bipolar disorder which she flatly denied. Her swings and threats of suicide partnered with extreme highs were exhausting.

I had dinner with her ex partner last night. And she confirmed my thought-that she was indeed bipolar and I was not the crazy one. But I am left holding the bag because I feel "if only she.." but if only never happened.

She shares a child with this woman. I feel for this child for he is in a hellish existence from one parent to the next and is dealing with my ex. girlfriends bipolar disorder which she still refuses to admit to.

It is heartbreaking for all parties involved. I came to this site hoping to find answers of how to heal from the lies and treatment I recieved. I guess time will heal this feeling. And perhaps a relationship with someone who is healthy.

I feel betrayed and very sad at the end result. Any one have suggestions how to recover from dealing with the lies and betrayal from someone who is chemically imbalanced...and you still love?
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied June 22nd, 2011
Experienced User
my absolutely lovely bf has also gone, changed into another person. He now insists that he doesnt love me and we are only friends,I think , not sure, he is seeing someone even though he denies it. He says he will never forget me and that he cares for me and that he wants to see me again, but I said NO to everything.We had an incredible relationship for more than one year and he just abandoned me like if I dont exist. He became so cold and strange, from one day to another.He must be cycling again, but this time is takling a long time to change. Now I have decided to get him out of my life for good, no amount of suffering from my part is going to change what he is, a Bp person who is not medicated and refuses to see a doctor.I suspect he must have other issues as well, as he cannot kiss and hold hands. Kissing never, holding hands hardly ever. Once I touched him on the shoulder and it was enough to send him ballistic, another time I held his hand in public for a minute and he went beserk.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied August 16th, 2017
Literally the EXACT same thing is happening to me now. My boyfriend (or so I thought) is now ignoring me and "needing distance" after I spent over two weeks with him—he asked me to stay every night, and would cuddle. He goes from extreme love and seeming compassion to cold and distant. I get drug along and need to be ready 247 for whatever comes. Its abusive and I recently had to call a 1800 number hotline to talk with a therapist due to his gas lighting. I am not saying ALL BP people are narcisists, but his tendencies are more than just this disorder. He also works as a yoga instructor, which only adds to my confusion. did anything get resolved in your situation?
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied June 22nd, 2011
Experienced User
Oh my goodness. First off, Im sorry you had to go through that. No women should have to.
But obviously he's still a child, and will always be one. Sooner or later, he MIGHT get his act together, and realize, "I messed up." and when that day comes, hell call you, and you shouldnt even think about answering.
You sound like a good girl, and even if he did change, he put you through too much already. You can do better.
Well have fun, go out. Dont get belligerent drunk like his dumba*s.
Dont rush into another relationship. Your 26, I know. But I wouldnt have a whole bunch of sex, you sound like you've got a good thing going for yourself, and you dont want to mess that up.
Good luck! Keep me posted![:
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 8th, 2012
Thank you all for your kind words. It's been a year since I posted my story and much has happened since. He came back into my life around April and we did get back together because it seemed like he had changed. He wasn't doing drugs anymore and was going to his classes. Sadly I found out that not much had changed. Shortly before I finished grad school in May, he told me he was going to move across the country for the summer so he could get his act together. He said he was doing it for us, so that he could come back in August, finish school and be a better boyfriend. We were together for about 2 months until he decided to break up with me the day before he was leaving, he said he hated being intimate with me and wished he wanted to be with me, but he just couldn't...obviously that hurt like hell. I was devastated. We didn't speak for a few weeks and began texting, etc in August. I even flew out to see him and he constantly messaged me and contacted me for the remainder of his time there. He treated it like we were in a relationship - calling when he'd be in for the night,live-blogging his life, etc. When he returned in December we even spent christmas together. It was a few days after that that he told me he had no feelings for me and had moved on some time ago. He's pretty much been completely off his meds this entire year. He hurt me so much the last few months that I've finally gathered the strength to cut him out of my life. I haven't had any contact with him whatsoever for the last month. It's been difficult, but I know that it's for the best. It's taken me a year to heed all of your advice but thank you for the support!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied May 1st, 2013
It helps to hear others stories who are going through this. I dated someone on and off for almost 2 years with bp and he was going to treatment for a few months until a major blow up ended the relationship. I've tried to be friends but people who have bp and use substances to "deal" and don't want help are just emotionally unavailable and not living in reality. I too miss him, love him and it is hard when you fall for someone not knowing they are going to turn into a completely different person. At this point I've expressed my feeling but cut all ties until he is ready to get himself healthy. I have a child and cannot be subjecting her to blow ups and irrational behavior that can impact her life as she is young and very impressionable. It's VERY hard to deal with this and I'm thankful to read others stories because I realize it is NOT me and really I've done everything I can trying to help this person. One year straight of outbursts and episodes I tried to stick by him but I've learned he isn't going back to the person I met anytime soon. Good luck everyone. We all deserve a healthy person who can return the love and support we give. We all need that.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied May 8th, 2013
My ex & bp
Reading all these posts have been exceptionally helpful. While my ex has not been formally diagnosed with bp disorder, a family friend who is a psychiatrist and has met with him suspected he has it. Based on everything I've read online, and finding out that his uncle has it, I have come to believe it myself. And so many of the stories I have read on this forum are so similar to mine.
We started off completely infatuated with each other, which quickly evolved into love. He has been unemployed for most of the time (we had been dating for nearly 2 years), but was living off of savings that his family had for him since he was young. In about over a year, those savings were depleted. We moved into his parents home so he could save what little money he had, but because he has a terrible relationship with them and blames them for a lot of his issues with jobs and his confidence level he moved out prematurely. Which is when our real issues between him and I began.
Prior to last August, he had his bouts of depression, but he was in school for massage and I think that was helping his mood levels - he can definitely charm strangers and acquaintances. After he was done with school, he knew he actually had to get a job, which made him extremely anxious. But he blamed me for not "pushing" him.
I gave him access to my car and paid for all the food, but he resented me for it even though he couldn't pay for a car or the food bills himself. While he finally landed a few jobs, they were only for a few hours a day, 3-4 days a week. The rest of the time he spent in our room, smoking weed (nearly an 1/8th a week), reading about football or playing video games. I tried to "push" him as much as I could, but there was only so much I could do.
When he was manic, he would invite me to take trips with him and his family, talk about us officially moving in together and how we would decorate the apartment and tell me how much he loved me. He would get lightening bolts of creativity and spend hours drawing out his "ideas", such as a fish hydroponics farm, or a wall sized scratching post for my cat. He would work out like a fiend. When he was depressed, he would be cold, distant, avoid sex, avoid all of his friends and uninvited me to trips to with his family. He would stay up late (sometimes until 2 or 3 am) and wake up late. He would overeat and not workout, and get upset about how his body was changing. He would burst into tears and talk about his family and how awful they were, even though they have been supporting financially so that he can pay his rent for the last 6 months or so (they are perfectly lovely and I think they are amazing people, who don't know what to do with their son that they consider to be a "mess"). Sometimes his mood swings would only last a few hours at a time - I never knew what person I would find when I got home from work or how it would evolve if we spent the day together.
The last 1.5 months have been incredibly toxic for me - we broke up 3 times in that period. Throughout it, I felt like I was walking on egg shells with him, afraid of what I would say that would upset him. He repeatedly said he wanted space, but because of my own insecurities, I kept trying to hold on to him tighter. However, when I tried to create a schedule that would provide the space he said he desired, he would tell me he didn't want anything to change. Later he would say that he was only saying those things to keep me happy. On St. Patrick's Day, he confessed to me that he was thinking of suicide and had actually mapped out a plan to carry it out, which put me in a tailspin.
The first break-up lasted less than a day, and ended with him calling me and telling me what a mistake he made and to come home. He then talked about moving in non-stop - he had grandiose plans of what he would turn the apartment into. The second break lasted 10 minutes, when I agreed that we should not officially move in together, but we would continue the relationship. I pointed out that I was never the one to bring up moving in, which he agreed; again, he was saying those things to make me happy and to normalize the relationship after the first break-up. The 3rd, and what I think is the final break-up, took place last Sunday. The funny thing is that I had been contemplating ending it with him, but I am still very much in love with him, despite the endless emotional ups and downs. He actually sounds serious about needing to end this, so I don't anticipate any pleas on his end to become involved again.
I went to his home earlier this week to get the rest of my things and I presented him with the idea that he might have bipolar disorder - he was surprisingly open to that idea and also broke down crying; he said that he hoped he did have bp because at least that would explain what he was feeling. He promised that he would go to a medical professional...I asked him to hold on to this feeling, b/c once he's in a manic state, he won't think that this needs to be addressed. I did tell his mom about his suicidal thoughts so that she would at least know.
I realized over the last few days since the breakup that I was too close to him to see the bigger picture of bp disorder - I had just thought he was moody and anxious because of his financial situation. I think he did care deeply for me, but as our relationship progressed, he treated me more and more like he treated his parents. It's not to say that we didn't have our good times, which we had plenty of, but that was all really prior to March of this year. And I felt that we were/ are connected on an emotional level; I felt that because he could cry in front of me that he felt safe with me and I could "help" and encourage him.
At this stage, the break-up is too fresh for me - I love him deeply, and cannot resist the urge to contact him. I find myself crying when I think of the good times, or a specific memory. I have my own issues with depression, so I myself am not emotionally well, and am dependent on him since we were together almost daily for 2 years. However, I will continue to read similar postings to this to remind myself that this is not a healthy relationship for myself, and am perhaps lucky that it ended before our relationship reached an even deeper level....
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied May 13th, 2013
Experienced User
So glad you wrote this message. I wish you so much happiness. You will get there. I can feel your strength.
Good luck and hugs to you.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied August 8th, 2013
Bp boyfriend broke up with me
I am hurting so badly and am so confused, desperate for answers, wanting to know what was real and what was mental illness. I fell hopelessly in live with a bp man 4 mo ago. The relationship was intense, we shared so many of the same interests, he told me everything I've ever wanted to hear. We were proactive, worked as a couple to understand his moods and triggers. Then, about a month ago, he became angry with me, started to shut me out, became evasive and passive aggressive. He broke up with me multiple times, always lamented this decision, would apologize and promise to work harder on his issues with his therapist. I tried to be supportive, avoided judgement and blame. Last night he broke up with me for the last time and became verbally abusive. Accused me of manipulating him for the past for months, getting into his head, and making him sick. His anger was almost delusional, he vilified me, and told me that he is so happy to be free of me. I am so profoundly hurt, and trying hard not to internalize or believe the things he said about me. Why did his happen? Does he really believe all the things he said? Was the whole relationship a manipulation. How can a deal with my hurt, my anger, knowing that I will never have any answers?
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied August 30th, 2013
I'm also in same situation this is not for the faint hearted my bipolar boyfriend just left me had no contact for 2 weeks but I'm strong and wi de with wot ever is thrown at me as love this man he's so loyal and caring till has his mania x
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied October 11th, 2013
I have been reading people's stories all week, since I am devatastated emotionally and financially right now. I returned a beautiful diamond engagement ring to my unstable and untreated BF just a few days ago after enduring the agony of seeing him change almost overnight into someone who seems to hate me for who I am. So I am writing my story as a kind of therapy for myself.

Most of the posts people have shared are extremely similar to mine- some of the actions exactly the same. In my case, David told me that he loved me, wanted to be a stepfather to my kids, we had amazing sex and he was so generous in every way. I even quit a part time job I had to make ends meet, and at his suggestion, bc he wanted to "take care of me" even had my child support lowered so that I would have an easier time with my ex. My god, this man changed nearly overnight. It was scary as Hell.

We had a small issue last week, over a sort of miscommunication. He ignored me, he accused me of playing "demented games" and found a way to say that I had been lying to him and that I had ruined the trust in the relationship. With a snap of the fingers, he moved out of my house. I told him that the only way there could be relationship was if he got psychological treatment for this erratic behavior. His response was to send me a very cruel email in which he laid me out for being a single mom (which I was the whole time he knew me), living in a modest home in not the greatest neighborhood (the same as I have been in the whole time), for failing to be able to supply my kids with all the stuff I'd like to (this breaks my heart, as I've shared with him that this is one of my deepest regrets and hearing thrown in my face is very hurtful), and he also slammed me for my "out of control eating habits" (I have had a lifelong struggle with my weight- and I'm constantly working out and worrying about this- I have never hidden any of this.) He took all of the things he knew he could hurt me with and stabbed me in the heart.

I have been in a terrible state this week. I am a teacher and broke down in tears one day and the director of my school had to take over for me. Today I nearly lost it again. I am at home now, just reeling in the hurt and the disbelief and trying to remember what I know...

Right before we broke up, and the erratic behavior had gotten really bad, we had gone to a counselor. During the session, David was extremely unpredictable, and I could see in high relief how crazy he was acting. The counselor was very professional and tried to reason with him in all kinds of ways, but he was like a broken record. I later went back to the same counselor and she agreed that he probably is BP, and that "this man is completely off his rocker right now." She said WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THIS? She said, if you were married and not engaged, I would be telling you to have him hospitalized, But, she said, you are not married. "RUN SCREAMING" away from this relationship, she said. Focus on your kids and your career. Break off all contact. And so I did.

We must remember that we are doing the right thing for ourselves. The hurt is unbearable. The erratic behavior is so destructive.

I know that there are other men and women out there reading these stories and I am with al of you. We are all going to feel better and find healthy relationships if we try. We will.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied September 5th, 2017
What a great in information shared here. Thanks all.
|
Did you find this post helpful?
Must Read
Do you know what bipolar is exactly? And what types of bipolar do doctors classify and diagnose? Learn more basics about bipolar disorder here....
Can stress put you at risk of developing bipolar disorder? Read here for information on risk factors which increase the likelihood that someone becomes bipolar....
Bipolar is difficult to diagnose as an illness ... but bipolar symptoms are usually accompanied by extreme changes. What are the symptoms of bipolar disorder?...