I will try to make this as quick as possible.
To start, I am merely asking for your opinion.
I have kept a journal before, though not for long, but I will pull from that.

Okay. I am 16 years old and have suffered from (what my mom calls) depression. It comes in stages, usually lasting anywhere from a few weeks to a month or two. During one of these stages, I tend to sleep a lot, and when I'm not sleeping, I just lay in bed, thinking about my life. I feel hopeless, lose motivation, skip school, lose touch with friends, and feel what I like to call "transparent." (like I don't really belong in this world, as if I could melt away and no one could notice. Like the world isn't actually real and the people in it are...almost two dimensional.) My mom blamed this all on my school and friends and had me shipped off to live at an relative's house in another state.
Now, I feel completely helpless. I ask myself odd questions I'll never find answers to. I have vivid dreams...and the strangest sleep patterns. I'll sleep 2-3 hours and then wake up every 45 minutes or so. I'll dream three, four times a night. I get frequent headaches maybe every other day. I am extremely irritable, cry at the strangest things, and have unexplainable fits (Where I cry for no reason, hide, not let people touch me, etc. almost as if I know what I'm doing isn't normal, but I can't stop it). That's all I can describe it. I feel more "transparent" than ever. I get depressed, mostly during nighttime.
Looking for answers, I turned to the Internet and came up with Bipolar disorder..type two. That particular diagnosis struck me because I have a half sister on my dad's side who was diagnosised a few years ago. The more I looked into it, the more I thought about a certain time period from back when I lived with my mom.

In short, it was a month of madness. I was constantly doing something, juggling extracurriculars at school and a never ending secret nightlife (as strange as that sounds). I would do things without truly thinking about them, like stealing my sister's car, picking up friends, doing drugs. I had sex with guys I barely knew...none of this was normal behavior for me (an otherwise straight A student). I could barely sleep and it wouldn't affect me. I was impeccable at lying and I began to steal, even. I didn't recognize that this just wasn't me until recently, this period of time caused me to lose at least half a dozen friendships, I spent money recklessly, I treated my life recklessly. I didn't care. I can't explain enough that the "partying" times can't just be "slowed". They feel completely normal to me, and I feel very in control and invincible as they happen I feel like I can do anything and get away with it. Only when I look back on it does it feel reckless and out of control. But as that period ended, the aftermath devastated me. Keep in mind that this was a few months ago.

Now, as I was reading various symptoms for this disorder, it all seemed to fit. But is there something I'm missing? I definitely feel more depressed than "hypomanic" (why do I seem to not like that term?). I feel like I am constantly searching for answers and my mind just won't stop. Please, will you give me your opinions? I am a scared, lost, 16 year old girl and I'm quite tired of always referring to myself as "broken".
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First Helper Broken55555
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replied March 9th, 2011
am i bipolar there is a possibility
I think you are defintley suffering from either bipolar or depression your thoughts are racing so much that you are not taking the time to think about your actions its funny cause as i was reading this i was thinking i have similar probleams myself i think the best course of action is too go and see a doctor and ask if you can see a councilor dont take medication though even if they offer you are too young and strong to ever be relying on these what is good is you understand you have a probleam and you are very intelligant to recognize you have done things unusual sometimes in life we get too a point were we feel people just are not listerning too us i feel like that i have been through a lot in my life and i feel even my family do no understand me or just dont want too i actually feel uncomftable talking to my own family about how i really feel thats why it is inportant to find a group spiritual religion whatever works for you i have too find my way to sometimes its hard but babe understand that even though your young you will find your way just try to relax more go for walks and try and clear your mind overusing the brain is never a good idea seek help take up meditation it might take a few trys before you find the right one for you but you will you are precious and you deserve happiness and hope as anyone else who graces this planet get some hobbies try to help others in the same situation and above all keep hope and faith in your heart also going to churchs and feeling closer to god might help you can also speak to priests anything just find your way i truelly hope you are ok and you no you are stong enough too deal with anything good luck and stay strong Lisaxx
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replied March 12th, 2011
Hi Broken55555,

Your symptoms sound a lot like the symptoms of my brother, who was diagnosed with bipolar II and generalized and social anxiety disorders about six months ago. Here is a hopefully complete review of the odd things he has done over the course of his life.

As a kid, he was usually good-natured, sociable and friendly. I was always the one my parents worried about (I've had problems with anxiety and mild depression.) But once in awhile he would get very angry.

He's played an instrument (I don't want to identify him) since he was about eight or so, and it's been his life ever since. He was practicing one day and things weren't working, so he took an axe to a tree that has been in our yard since I was a baby. I think he was about ten or so when this happened. It was very uncharacteristic for him to do this. As he became a teenager he had more frequent episodes of anger but he was usually pretty good-natured. He was also exceptionally motivated. In elementary school, he was the know-it-all kid that always had his hand up first. As school went on, he put less time into academics but still got good grades. Music was always his primary focus and he practiced for many hours a day. In high school he stopped trying and started to get really bad grades. This is a pretty typical pattern for guys in high school, so maybe it shouldn't be noted. But he got into one of the best schools in the world for music performance, and he left high school a year early to do that. When he got there, his first year went pretty well, but he started drinking with some older friends who were of age (he was 17) several times a week, and smoking a lot of pot. In his second year, he lost all motivation to go to his classes, although he kept up with performance classes and orchestra. He failed all five of his classes, partly due to the fact that he'd become a complete pothead and was drinking a lot. He grew very distant from me and my parents. The summer before this current year was one of the hardest times. He drank and smoked constantly; he was always high or drunk and he was usually arrogant, mean and difficult. He got a DUI from driving into a parked car while he was joy riding. He would lie in bed all day and watch television, and he slept abnormally large amounts. He admits now that the drugs were a way to escape from depression and the incredible loneliness he'd been feeling at his school - when he left this semester, he didn't have a single friend - and also with the intense pressure of being at a music performance school. For the last year he was there, he was attempting a major change in his playing that made him sound really bad, and he felt very self-conscious about it.

(forgive my writing style, I'm not revising this or anything because it's long and I have work to do. I know this is long but I'm trying to include everything in case you might resonate with some detail I might otherwise leave out. Also, my memory of the drug time is a little fuzzy - I am a college student too and I really only see him much on breaks, so my writing of it may sound a bit impersonal.)

My parents were great in helping him sort through his addictions and he's now sober. But sobering up didn't fix his incredible lethargy - he still lay in bed most of the day.

well, it's four hours later now and I'm going to have to cut this off. The aforementioned brother just got arrested for speeding 100mph down the highway while drunk, and for resisting arrest. Just came back from delivering his meds to the jail he's being held at.

I really hope you figure out what's going on, and get it sorted out. Not all of the characteristics of my brother's bipolar apply to your post, but the lethargy, cutting classes, ambivalence towards life and vivid dreams all sound familiar. Not to mention the uncharacteristic wild behavior that preceded your depression. It comes and goes for him.

Another thing - he hasn't been practicing his instrument much since this summer. He has this mental 'block' or something about working on it. At first, it was just very hard for him to face the difficulties of practicing. But even now that practice is easier for him, he's unable to do it most of the time because he can't practice when he's anxious and practice still makes him anxious even if he can do it.

Anyway, I feel for you and wish you luck.
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replied March 12th, 2011
To amend my previous statement - I had indicated that he's been sober since the summertime, shortly after his DUI. Tonight we found out that he had been drinking (from the cop that picked him up.) We think he'd taken the fifth of whiskey my dad had been given for christmas, but that could have been a long time ago and I really don't think he was drinking then. This is very hard to deal with.
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replied March 13th, 2011
Thank you.
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replied March 13th, 2011
First all I would ask u your age. Many people might not agree with me but u seem to have a very high dislike for your brother but thats okay it sounds like a healthy release u need. You are taking some responsibility to his actions, stop, let him know u are done. He is now responsibile. You need to let your parents know you also exist. They need to be there for your brother but you are there too.Do not write anyone off. Tell me about a good memory of your brother...
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replied March 13th, 2011
First all I would ask u your age. Many people might not agree with me but u seem to have a very high dislike for your brother but thats okay it sounds like a healthy release u need. You are taking some responsibility to his actions, stop, let him know u are done. He is now responsibile. You need to let your parents know you also exist. They need to be there for your brother but you are there too.Do not write anyone off. Tell me about a good memory of your brother...
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