Medical Questions > Mental Health > Autism Forum

Coping with autistic brother

I'm new, and I have problems about my kid brother who's autistic.

Everytime he throws a tantrum I clenched my teeth to suppress my anger. Just now he got into one of his tantrums again and he scratched my finger and now it won't stop bleeding.

I sometimes just can't accept that one of my family suffer this condition. He can't act like a normal person his age. He won't eat normal foods, he'll only eat fast foods. Won't stop screaming and sometimes even hurt people, me, my parents and my little sisters.

Every time he started to scream, I feel like I want to silence him. Everyday I'll think of ways to do this.

How to live with him? I mean, if any one of us here have similar problem with mine. How do you cope with the screaming and the wailing... I just can't take it anymore. I'm seriously considering sending him to community welfare center. Even though I'm the older brother, I just can't accept the responsibility. Cos right now I can only think of one method if he throws a tantrum again.
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First Helper seasick09
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replied December 26th, 2009
Experienced User
I spent years in the third world and I never saw an autistic child. ex. In Dominican Republic, they put all the kids to play outside when they are not at school, the majority of people have not too much money,so the village do their baby sitting,they put the children to play outside in groups of children, and I never saw a kid with autism I saw a couple with retardation but they were very active and aware of their environment. My advise to you is to talk to your parents and try to bring a lot of boys the same age or older, to play with your brother and yourself. This is going to help your brother to get rid of all attention given by your parents and close relatives and to exercise this is going to calm him down , play with him like he is normal, (because probably he is, and very smart just you guys don't know this yet)chase each other, play ball whatever of course with a supervising adult at hand probably not one of your parents will be advisable in this case. After a while I am sure your brother is going to start behaving different. But make sure you parent are involve in this process, and the parent of the other kids, also the supervising adult should be an active young male. Be careful of school Concelors, and Child Psychologist or child Psychiatrists, they love to put labels on children because is easier for them to deal with a child, In our days every Odd behavior is labeled Autistic. I know a case this guy was labeled autistic and he is a genius, he has two degrees one in Physics and the other in Organic Chemistry. When he was a child was an odd child but his parents put him to play with normal children like I suggested at the beginning and his problem was he was too intelligent now this is just a suggestion I am just a regular person I don't have a degree in human behavior of anything like that this is just based in observations during my life and experiences. God bless...
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replied December 28th, 2009
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Hi, SimpleJack20.
I am sorry to hear that you are having so many problems with your younger brother. I don't personally have any experience dealing with special needs children but I can imagine how frustrating it must be. I don't really know what to tell you. You may be old enough to leave home soon but that does not help your younger siblings.
We have an autism forum on this site where you can meet others who have a loved one with autism. I am sure you will gets lots of suggestions, love, and support there.
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replied January 2nd, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
hi jack im sorry to hear about your brother to..it must be difficult to deal with but as deteragram says we have a special forum with people who are going through the same thing who can offer help and advice...but if there is anything else i can help you with feel free to pm me..Jenny
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replied October 24th, 2010
I have experience, from a sibling perspective, with a brother who has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, the worst factor of this being his inability to understand when a person has become bored, and talking constantly about a certian topic, this either being football or video games. However, he does suffer from violent tempers, such as kicking me/throwing certian items at me/hitting me with certian items/bending my fingers back.

However, in terms of Autism, I have experience with an aunt and cousin, both of whom I am/was close with. With them, I grow extremely frustrated with them, but you have to understand, it is said that when they "wail" and such like, it is their silent screams. Both my aunt and cousin are in residential care, perhaps that is the best place for your brother, also. Think of all your options, but, also, try to put yourself in your brothers shoes, once in a while.
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replied December 13th, 2010
i have exactly the same thing.i have a little brother that is autistic and he drives me mad.but at the end of the day i think i cope just by knowing that he doent have many people on his side and that someone has to be.I am a very protective big sister to him and dont get me wrong there has been many times where i have just wanted to...not the point.but you will get through it and try your best to always reply to them and if you've had enough,then its ok just to tell someone you need a bit of a break and go lock yourself in a different room for a while. good luck and i know its hard work but there is always support
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replied February 11th, 2011
We have the same situation.
And I'm terribly sorry you're going through this as well. The overall thing that you have to remember is that it's not his fault; there's not much to do because you can't really punish him for behavior that he may not be able to control.
They have my brother on 5 different medications and it's still not enough.
He's screaming and wailing and repeating his usual verbals right now...a fight is definitely coming.
Every situation is different. And maybe a home would be best, but you have to make sure that it is best for him. My brother gets absotlutely terrible. I mean. Just god awful. But he'd be miserable in a home. And there are so many cases where autistic people are accidentely killed in institutions or homes. Its terrible.
As with coping, it's hard. And seems impossible at times..
That's when focus on school, movies, books, and music and really anything that catches your interest comes into play. Every little bit helps. It's probably why I'm such a book worm!
It really just depends on him too. Like my brother would have a meltdown if people tried to play with him. Just flip out. He never used to be like that too so we've been trying to adjust to his new behaviors. And there comes a point where you have to "accept" certain things. Like we only have one car. Well, if he doesn't get in the car and there's no one to watch him then I'm stuck at school til he does. Or if I need to go to class and he does that....then I just don't go to class. It's incredibly irritating. I don't see my friends...but when you can, actually having fun-definitely not doing anything stupid--can be nice, get your mind off it for a while. He needs to eat every couple hours. And that usually involves having to actually go out and get it...which can easily take a couple hours because we have to get him to actually say what he wants first. I'm a trigger for him now...he can't stand seeing me when he's edgy...which is pretty much everyday, so I'm pretty much confined to my bedroom.
But again...every case is different, but you gotta analyze it and think outside the box. I know it's excruciatingly hard, but in the end...it's possible.
Don't think irrationally.
Trust me.
When he's choking one of us or throwing us against a wall or punching and whatever he decides to do that day...it's hard not to even yell at him. But we can't raise our voices because that triggers him. And makes him more upset. It's not his fault. He doesn't understand. Heck, I'd be mad too if I couldn't communicate. Add that to his raging teen hormones and ya get this.
There's always a knot in my stomach.
The cops have already come to our house because of him and I fighting one night.
But they came when we stopped. It's always a fear because they have no idea what's going on...all they see is a 6 foot tall 250 kid slamming me into the wall....what makes you think they won't act rashly and shoot to kill?
It's been done. over. and. over.
We have to stay sane...and do any silly thing that it is.
There will always be support for you. It may be hard to find. But in something, or someone...it's out there, just waiting to say hello.
Lots and lots of help. <3
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replied July 1st, 2011
u helped my 8 yr old son thanx
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replied February 11th, 2011
We have the same situation.
And I'm terribly sorry you're going through this as well. The overall thing that you have to remember is that it's not his fault; there's not much to do because you can't really punish him for behavior that he may not be able to control.
They have my brother on 5 different medications and it's still not enough.
He's screaming and wailing and repeating his usual verbals right now...a fight is definitely coming.
Every situation is different. And maybe a home would be best, but you have to make sure that it is best for him. My brother gets absotlutely terrible. I mean. Just god awful. But he'd be miserable in a home. And there are so many cases where autistic people are accidentely killed in institutions or homes. Its terrible.
As with coping, it's hard. And seems impossible at times..
That's when focus on school, movies, books, and music and really anything that catches your interest comes into play. Every little bit helps. It's probably why I'm such a book worm!
It really just depends on him too. Like my brother would have a meltdown if people tried to play with him. Just flip out. He never used to be like that too so we've been trying to adjust to his new behaviors. And there comes a point where you have to "accept" certain things. Like we only have one car. Well, if he doesn't get in the car and there's no one to watch him then I'm stuck at school til he does. Or if I need to go to class and he does that....then I just don't go to class. It's incredibly irritating. I don't see my friends...but when you can, actually having fun-definitely not doing anything stupid--can be nice, get your mind off it for a while. He needs to eat every couple hours. And that usually involves having to actually go out and get it...which can easily take a couple hours because we have to get him to actually say what he wants first. I'm a trigger for him now...he can't stand seeing me when he's edgy...which is pretty much everyday, so I'm pretty much confined to my bedroom.
But again...every case is different, but you gotta analyze it and think outside the box. I know it's excruciatingly hard, but in the end...it's possible.
Don't think irrationally.
Trust me.
When he's choking one of us or throwing us against a wall or punching and whatever he decides to do that day...it's hard not to even yell at him. But we can't raise our voices because that triggers him. And makes him more upset. It's not his fault. He doesn't understand. Heck, I'd be mad too if I couldn't communicate. Add that to his raging teen hormones and ya get this.
There's always a knot in my stomach.
The cops have already come to our house because of him and I fighting one night.
But they came when we stopped. It's always a fear because they have no idea what's going on...all they see is a 6 foot tall 250 kid slamming me into the wall....what makes you think they won't act rashly and shoot to kill?
It's been done. over. and. over.
We have to stay sane...and do any silly thing that it is.
There will always be support for you. It may be hard to find. But in something, or someone...it's out there, just waiting to say hello.
Lots and lots of help. <3
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replied September 14th, 2011
Active User, very eHealthy
I think that is the other way around, aren't all of the autistic people putting up with you? You should hear what they think of you actually, or should I say what they know about you, im not sure.

It is however the other way around, and I have no idea how they deal with you people.

To bad they can't come onto forums and complain about everybody.
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replied November 8th, 2011
I know how you feel. I have an autistic sister, and though she's almost and adult, she can't speak, she can't get dressed, eat, or bathe on her own. She's about 5"6 in height, and weighs 200 pounds... so when she throws fits, it's horendous. It's hard to cope, but in order to do so, find out the things that make your brother tick. Find his triggers, and make sure you, and everyone else in the house hold tries to avoid them at all costs. If he's hurting people and what not while he's throwing the tantrums, and it becomes out of control, KEEP CALM, but restrain (without hitting) him and once he's calm, try letting him know you're not mad, but the behavior needs to stop. A lot of this stuff works for my sister, but I don't know the severity of your brother's autism, and, as every human being, each autistic person has their own personality. Try different solutions, always remain calm... maybe try finding out what he likes to do and keep him occupied with those things. Hope your situation gets better and hope you have the strength to keep doing what your doing to take care of him... your a good brother. Best of luck to ya.
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replied November 12th, 2012
I also have an autistic sibling. I don't have anyone I could turn to. My father works in another city and he lives there too. Sometimes he visits me, but we just walk out for a dinner and that's it. It hurts me also that he doesn't pay much attention to my brother, he kind of leave our family, I think that he has another woman in his city. He doesn't help us in anything, only financially, beacause of the fact that my mother can't work. He doesn't really consider it how hard our situation is. My mother on the other hand is really into my brother, she does everything about him, she often buys him a lot of toys. She is kind of stressed though I get this impression, she seems to be a very strong person, but inside her I feel like she has a lot of problems, that she can't cope with. She yells and gets angry about many unneccessary things. I can't even talk to her normally, not to hear yelling in response.
I guess it may seem like I'm not a good, caring sister (I'm 17 and my brother is 13) , but I feel abandoned at most time and wish that my brother didn't leave with us. I just can't stop asking why me and why anything can't be normal.. I have some friends in school, but I can't bring them to my house, because I feel embarrassed. Most of my friends don't know that my brother is autistic. I don't go out anywhere with my mum and him. If only I could move my home, but I have to wait until I finished high school.
I also feel guilty at some time, because I can't help in any way my mother, maybe because I don't want to.. I just want to have normal family. At once I felt really depressed that my father send me to psychiatrist so that he could prescribed my some antidepressants, but I know that wasn't a good way of solving out problem.
Well, I don't require any help, but I just wanted to tell sb how I feel, I can't tell it my friends, because they would not understand, any of them is in my situation, and my mother is always yelling at me and making me feel guilty, because I don't help in anything, so I feel relieved that I am writting about my feeling here on the Internet. I haven't mentioned that my brother goes to normal primary school, but he has an individual programme. He isn't emphatetic at all. He can't very speak, he just have some learnt phrases at some situation, but he speaks like he was a robot. It is impossible to have a real conversation with him, most of the time he doesn't answer to a simple question, just when he wants to... Another fact is that he has some kind of delusions I think, he goes around the room thinking about numbers and he gets fixed and clutched, he starts yelling. When I hear all this yelling, his and my mother I just start crying and I don't know what my future here will look like. I want to start my own life in different place, but I guess it won't be easy. Please, does anyone of you feel like me ? If you have any question about my situation or whatever just ask, because I feel much better that I've just told, first time in my life how I really feel and how my situation looks like. If you have similar situation please let me know how you cope with that guilt feeling.
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