Let me introduce myself... I am 35 years old, married for 13 years, have a 12 year old son. I have had 4 miscarriages due to a uterine abnormality which is why I only have one child.

I gave up after the 4th miscarriage. I guess I realized that another child was not in the cards for me. I would bury my pain, anger, and sadness and act as if I was okay with what happened for the next few years. My husband at my last miscarriage (all have had to be removed by D&C) told me he would talk to a dr about getting a vasectomy as I had been through a lot.

He never did.

I am pregnant. 9 weeks. My ob/gyn is cautiously optimistic. I have never made it past week 7 (except for with my son). I have a condition called septate uterus and normally we believe the embryo has implanted on the septum (it is a non-life supporting wall) which has led to slow growth and eventual death. When he told me he saw a heartbeat on the monitor at week 7, I almost fell over. I did not want to be pregnant... but a heartbeat? I have NEVER seen a heartbeat in all my miscarriages. It took my breath away. Every week I go back, get an ultrasound, and I am shocked at what I see... the growth, the life.

My husband does not feel the same way. He wants an abortion. He says he "cannot have another child". He wants me to get one. ASAP. He went to the dr with me and honestly has no feelings (right now). I have brought up our son and taking away his sibling, his parents and taking away a grandchild and his response is... they don't know so it won't hurt them. Okay. But it will hurt ME. Unplanned things kill him, he does not handle stress well. And our family can handle another child financially. I think he was just maybe looking forward to relaxing, living an easier life.

Ok. So I have looked into abortion. I am pro-choice. I get what would be done.

I am contemplating having an abortion. I am worried that having this baby (if I am allowed to give birth to a living baby) will destroy my marriage since he says he wants an abortion. I am concerned he will never understand my reason for not wanting to have one and will resent me forever because of it, destroying our marriage. I am also worried that if I have an abortion because he wants me to, that I will hate him every day for the rest of my life, destroying our marriage.

Thoughts? Advice? I am lost.
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replied October 3rd, 2010
"they don't know so it won't hurt them"
Well, here's this: Sure they don't know, but what if it happens, and it eats you up inside so you tell them. I mean, they are your family after all. That's what happened to me. The preg. was a secret, i wasnt having it, so i felt no one(fam) needed to know. Afterwards though.. months after the depression was undeniable & I ended up telling my family. (Which made it feel like, wth?) Also, if you WANT the baby, then come on, keep it! Pro CHOICE, right? YOUR body YOUR choice. If you being happy about something is grounds for destroying a marriage, you have to stop and ask yourself how solid your marriage really is in the beginning. Just remember abortions don't tend to make life WAAAAY BETTER. Your life typically remains the same or gets worse(sometimes your life being the same is what actually makes it get worse for SOME people. kinda like "well wth, i should have had the kid, cause im surviving now) I'm just saying, judging by the information handed you should keep your child. Pro CHOICE remember? That means you don't HAVE to have an abortion. YOUR body YOUR choice.
I come at you from a neutral standpoint (well not so neutral since I've had one, but I'm just trying to look out for you and what you WANT) Also your husband basically promised you a vasectomy because of what you went through, right? Why does he get to have his cake and eat it too. It was his choice to not have it done promptly leaving you with a choice..not him, OK? You don't want to resent him or anything. You are afraid of it failing, right? Maybe just have the child and try to balance things out by being as loving and nurturing as possible to all parties in question, and maybe that will even take some stress off of him, since you are concerned with that.
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Users who thank UB3RANGST for this post: ommama 

replied October 3rd, 2010
I personally am not a religious person. I am also pro choice. I am a big believer in things happening for a reason though. I think if you have carried this far, you would never be able to forgive yourself for terminating something that you thought was no longer possible. A woman becomes a mother when she becomes pregnant, but a man doesnt become a father until he hold the baby for the first time. This isn't your husbands decision. Ultimately, it's yours. What is your husband going to do? Leave you for carrying this baby to term? I don't think so. If he does, then good riddens. It doesn't sound to me like you want to get an abortion. I think your husband is just scared, therefor making you scared. I hope you make a the right decision for you. Smile
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Users who thank that_gurl for this post: UB3RANGST  ommama 

replied October 4th, 2010
I appreciate the responses.... but both a little too late. Friday, October 1 I had an abortion. I will say this, my husband tried to drag me out of that clinic. I would not budge.

There is no experience like sitting in an abortion clinic for three hours waiting to have an abortion. The faces. The tears. The inappropriate music being played in the waiting areas. Sarah Maclachlan....I Will Remember You. My gosh, yes, I will... my unborn child, the faces of the women around me that I will never forget.

I decided to do it for me. In large part what got me was my last appointment with my ob/gyn who said he was very concerned, things were not looking how he wanted them to, that he was worried I was going to lose it (there was still a heartbeat however). The thought of losing a 5th child to a miscarriage was not bearable to me. Call me selfish.... call me selfish, cruel, and inhumane like my best friend did.... I will take whatever one wants to throw my way.... but in the end I made MY CHOICE.

Yes, my husband was scared but in the past couple of weeks, he became more scared that I would come out of this a different person, a sad unhappy hating life kind of person. He did not want to let me get it... but yes, he planted the first seed. I don't feel regret- yet- and I am sure I will at times. I have been talking to a girl I met at the clinic who was 10 1/2 weeks pregnant like me, she will be my support for now. And I believe that in time, I will be better than ok, hopefully I will be a better version of me.
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replied October 11th, 2010
http://ihadanabortion.blogspot.com/

i am blogging about my abortion to deal with it, therapeutic, just in case anyone wants to read it, i wanted to share.
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replied June 14th, 2011
I had an abortion after having kids and I don't regret it either. I regret having to have one. I regret putting myself in that situation. I regret having to endure what I endured and having to spend so many hours worrying and second-guessing myself. But the abortion, I don't regret.

I'm sorry the embryo wasn't ok but I'm glad in the end you did what you felt you needed to do in your heart. It's you who has to live with your decision, no one else, so it's you who gets to make it. As for your best friend, find a new one. I don't care what your history is, a friend shows her true colors when the chips are down. Does she have your back, no matter what? Your friend verbally attacked you and tried to emotionally wound you and that would be unforgivable to me. I say move on.

PS You have a good husband. I'm happy that they're still out there.
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replied June 14th, 2011
I had an abortion after having kids and I don't regret it either. I regret having to have one. I regret putting myself in that situation. I regret having to endure what I endured and having to spend so many hours worrying and second-guessing myself. But the abortion, I don't regret.

I'm sorry the embryo wasn't ok but I'm glad in the end you did what you felt you needed to do in your heart. It's you who has to live with your decision, no one else, so it's you who gets to make it. As for your best friend, find a new one. I don't care what your history is, a friend shows her true colors when the chips are down. Does she have your back, no matter what? Your friend verbally attacked you and tried to emotionally wound you and that would be unforgivable to me. I say move on.

PS You have a good husband. I'm happy that they're still out there.
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replied July 11th, 2016
I just had an abortion. I was also thinking of him. But unlike you I hated my husband. He didn't want me to have the abortion. For some reasons I still hated him and couldn't bare the thought of having part of him inside of me. I had all my reasons and went through the abortion. But when I saw my babies face. I saw that it was not about him. The baby was mine and he was a spinning image of me. I saw my baby looked exactly like me. So if you're going to make a decision about abortion the only person you should consider is you because once it's done its done. There are no take backs. Best of luck
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