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Confused - in one-sided relationship and in love with another

Hi,

I am not sure what to do. I've been in what I'd call a one-sided relationship for almost two years now with a girl (I'm a girl too). While it was all honey and roses in the beginning and I thought we would be together forever, things went slowly downhill as she didn't seem to acknowledge my feelings in difficult situations and she would anger at everything I implied I was upset or hurt about. It got to the point I didn't want to bring up my emotions any more for fear of getting into a fight. I am terrible at handling conflict so now I relent when I'm upset about something. Now after a year of living together, things to her seem fine until I do one thing wrong such as come in half an hour after I said I would (I'm often a late person), or see my mum (she hates me doing that) and then we get into a fight. We've had fights because she doesn't seem to respect me, will call me names and run my mum down. As I don't want to fight I end up doing most of the chores such as washing, cleaning and cooking while she sits on the internet. Because of it my depression has become quite bad to the point I've sometimes cut myself and wanted to die.

People ask, including my psych, why I stay, and to be honest I don't know. There are times when she is really loving but I don't like that any more because I want to leave and I don't know how to. I'm even seeing a psych about it because I always end up having these issues in my relationships. We've broken up many times in the past but she either cries or acts as though nothing has happened the next day.

I have also formed a very close friendship/relationship with a girl at work. We both have strong feelings for one another, and I know I shouldn't have developed these feelings without ending my relationship but this girl really treats me well and isn't manipulative or controlling whatsoever. She respects and understands me, two qualities I've never experienced in a partner before.

I just don't know how to leave my current relationship. Can anyone please help???

Thanks,
K.
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replied September 25th, 2009
Ive been in a similar situation but my partner was male. I also did the house work, was not allowed to see my family and repressed emotion to avoid conflict. But I realised that I wasnt happy. It took a brave move, and I told him that things just were not working anymore, it hurt because part of me wanted to stay with him, but I knew leaving him was for the greater good. I changed my number, and told him not to contact me. When he did, I did not respond. It took time to get over how he treated me and it effected my later relationships. Im glad I finished it when I did, before he broke me as a person. I am now in a happy relationship of nearly 2years. He treats me amazingly well, and I have never been happier.

In my oppinion I think you should cut your losses with her, and take some time to be yourself, and let your emotions out. Then maybe if things are still promising with your work colleuge prehaps investiagate that futher. However the fact that the relationship has dirven you to
a) wirte this topic
b)require a psych and
c)you realise the treatment your experienceing is unfair and have been in relationships with the person before with little change, is enough to proove to yourself that prehaps its time for a fresh start.

I hope that this helped.
All the best

L x
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replied September 26th, 2009
Hi Lee,

Thank you for your advice... I tried to offer you some advice too in your post!

I'm glad you're in such a great relationship now. The trouble is, I know I have to leave and I want to but it's the leaving part I find daunting and I don't know why. I know I'm going to hurt her, and she'll cry and manipulate me into staying, saying things like 'it's ok for you. You can just go to Mummy's and don't have to worry about rent.' Then I feel bad and stay. She's quite manipulative and knows exactly how to get to me because I'm timid and stupid. That's why I'm seeing a psych, to try and make myself stronger, to build on my self-esteem. I left my previous girlfriend by writing a note and leaving the state (I moved to NSW for her).

In my mind I'm waiting for another argument so I just leave, close the door and don't listen to her and she has no chance of manipulating me into staying.

Thanks for your advice, Lee.

Take care,
K. x
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replied September 28th, 2009
good luck Smile x
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replied October 1st, 2009
Re: Confused - in one-sided relationship and in love with anothe
LEAVE, you sound very unhappy and as for the other girl you have feelings for tell her! you have every right to be happy Kristen and you have every right to be a relationship where you are loved and respected, you also have a right to be in a relationship that is equal and the relationship doesn't sound equal or healthy to me.

Seriously sweety just LEAVE NOW! and do whats right for you!
Kristen00 wrote:
Hi,

I am not sure what to do. I've been in what I'd call a one-sided relationship for almost two years now with a girl (I'm a girl too). While it was all honey and roses in the beginning and I thought we would be together forever, things went slowly downhill as she didn't seem to acknowledge my feelings in difficult situations and she would anger at everything I implied I was upset or hurt about. It got to the point I didn't want to bring up my emotions any more for fear of getting into a fight. I am terrible at handling conflict so now I relent when I'm upset about something. Now after a year of living together, things to her seem fine until I do one thing wrong such as come in half an hour after I said I would (I'm often a late person), or see my mum (she hates me doing that) and then we get into a fight. We've had fights because she doesn't seem to respect me, will call me names and run my mum down. As I don't want to fight I end up doing most of the chores such as washing, cleaning and cooking while she sits on the internet. Because of it my depression has become quite bad to the point I've sometimes cut myself and wanted to die.

People ask, including my psych, why I stay, and to be honest I don't know. There are times when she is really loving but I don't like that any more because I want to leave and I don't know how to. I'm even seeing a psych about it because I always end up having these issues in my relationships. We've broken up many times in the past but she either cries or acts as though nothing has happened the next day.

I have also formed a very close friendship/relationship with a girl at work. We both have strong feelings for one another, and I know I shouldn't have developed these feelings without ending my relationship but this girl really treats me well and isn't manipulative or controlling whatsoever. She respects and understands me, two qualities I've never experienced in a partner before.

I just don't know how to leave my current relationship. Can anyone please help???

Thanks,
K.
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replied October 3rd, 2009
Hi Senorita,

Thank you for your sweet words. I am unhappy and we did break up just last week. Everything was going fine with us talking about us going our separate ways, but then she got all upset and depressed, decided to diagnose me with Borderline Personality Disorder and tell me she'll be here for me, etc. She said she's sorry for not understanding me and my moods and temper, and assumed everything was back to normal! I don't want it to be back to normal. I want to leave but don't know how to get out of the manipulation, and it's that that drives me crazy, makes me think I'm a bad person and weak. She knows exactly how to manipulate me, by making 'realise' I have a mental illness and she'll be there to look after me, yet then she'll still sit down and play her Wii games while I cook, clean and wash up.

The girl I have feelings for does already know and she feels the same, she told me. She is so completely different and understands me entirely. She expects nothing from me and just wants me to be happy.

I was chatting to a friend last night who thinks I'm like I am because it is addictive being in an emotionally dramatic relationship.

Thanks again, and take care,

K. x
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