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Concerned husband is bisexual or gay


I'm in need of a bit of advice my husband and i got married a year ago and have 3 children. A few months ago I found a few things which suprised, my husband has a lot of anal sex toys and frequently visists transexual porn sites and gay porn etc there has never been any porn of him looking at actual females. I never new he had any of these toys he had them locked up and left it open one day, everytime he has a shower it was open and he took one in with him. He also has anal bleeching cream at home along with the instruments used to clean your anus. I got the courage and asked him about it, he said he enjoyed using the toys! He said it stemed from when he was younger and had a sexual encounter not by choice with an older male cousin in the family, he also said he has tried a few times when he was younger to have sex with a man but could never get an erection, so brushed it off and thought he must not be gay.
I explained that i felt uncomfortable about this but would just learn to deal with it. He was extremly embarrased and i felt awful for asking him but i had to know. These things still go on, however whenver he has used the pc now he always deletes this history, also sometimes at night he gets texts and then when i look at his phone later on or in the morning he has deleted the message so i dont know what it said etc. He still wants to have sex with me however he always wants to do it from behind and i feel he prefers that way so he could fantasies about it been with a man, but we never have anal sex im just not into it. Also im not sure if he thinks he can tell anyone he is gay as his father is a priest and would be extremly upset at him.
I dont know what to think about the situation and opinions would be appreciated, sorry if ive gone on and on.
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replied October 3rd, 2010
Community Volunteer
Hi wottothink,

Your husband is just a fraction of Millions of people who were sexually abused by someone they knew or was familiar being around the family. When a person is abused when they are very young it is extremely detramental(not to say at any age it isn't), that is their first introduction of being touched in places where only their boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse should touch them. It is a sacred place where only permission is granted and trust is established. When that boundary is trampled on, it leaves an erasable imprint that, no matter how much it is supressed, medicated, etc, is there forever. The young victim is now confused as to his/her sexuality, the loss of trust in humans, the hatred, low-self esteem, depression, permiscious behavior replaces the innocent that surrounded them prior. They become confused and extremelyyyyyyyyyy guilty(althought it is NEVER their fault)and ashamed to tell or talk to anyone about what happened to them, usually out of fear and confusion.

What is the solution? Your husband can't undo what has been done to him, however, he can benefit from some aggressive, deep thearpy. Be sure he sees someone who specialize in this field. He may chose to be with a man, or he may just want to have intercouse in the way which he was raped. Remember, that was his fist experience, from te anus. You should also get some counselling. Don't condem or be angy with him, he is only reacting to what was wrongfully done to him, and now he is acting it out.

Having, said that, your husband, can control the sneaking around with the texting and whatever else he knows is wrong. You finding his toys was probably a great relief for him and he may have left the cabnet unlocked so that he could stop living in his "hell" alone. The two of you need to agree if you want to stay in the marriage and give those children the two parents they deserve or if you chose to live your lives seperate. Hoping all the best.

God Bless,

Faded Rose
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replied October 4th, 2010
Experienced User

Maybe he really just does enjoy his anus/prostate stimulated as part of his sexual pleasure. Many men do.

Explore this with him. So often men hide the fact that they like their butts played with because society is so fixated on the man+anal=gay. So not the case.

It seems that your husband is willing to discuss this with you so do so. Maybe there is a way for you two to incorporate this into your own sex lives. Also, ask him about the text messages. There could be a mole hill there. As far as him deleting his browsing history... you told him you saw it and he probably didnt even realize it was there. Now he knows it is so he just gets rid of it. Did you tell him you didnt want him watching that stuff? Another reason he may be deleting it.

Your husband is not gay. If he were you wouldn't be having sex with him. Gay men don't have sex with women. He may have bisexual tendencies or may even feel he is bisexual. Or he may, like I said, just enjoy anal/prostate stimulation for sexual pleasure. He may prefer sex from behind because that position gives him the most control as far as angle and speed and what not. Could very well have nothing to do with what he is thinking at the time but so much to do with how it feels for him and you. If that position seems to work for you as well, he might be thinking it works all around so go with what works. If you don't want to have sex with him in that position, tell him.

As far as the past abuse... It will always be an elephant in the room so to speak. It didn't make him gay tho.
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