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Commitment issues/autism/depression? i need help!

I really need some answers, because this is driving me crazy and making me very isolated and depressed.

I have a big problem in relationships of all kinds and i feel there may be something wrong with me.

I find it very hard to make friends. I never know what to say to people to interest them, i feel very isolated in groups and even one on one conversation is hard. I am frequently told i interrupt people, i never seem to know when the right time to speak is, I am also seen by some people as rude and everyone notices that i act a bit strange. I get confused to why people think i am rude, when i think i have been very friendly. I am very shy, I find it hard to follow conversations and alot of the time other people speaking bores me. I hate small talk, not only do i find it difficult, i find it very boring. I find eye contact very difficult too.

I really like spending time alone, and when i feel i have been around people too long i need to be in a room alone to do my own thing. I am diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression and anxiety.

The world to me is a very scary and confusing place. I have never felt i fit in properly and have never felt a proper bond with anyone, not even my family.

If someone seems to be interested in talking to me i get excited and become clingy straight away, and end up getting angry if they don't reply to my calls ect, which usually ends up with them ignoring me altogether

In romantic relationships i can feel very strong emotion first off. I have felt the feelings of being in love, but after time those feelings always go away for me, because i never feel a bond with anyone. I can like people, i can love people, but have a bond with them and understand them? i've never felt that way and i think that's what makes me not want to stay in relationships. All of my relationships have ended because i have become distant. I don't worry if the relationship will end I don't really care, i feel no bond with anyone other than i care about them and don't want to make them sad. And i really don't think this is normal.

I feel i will end up alone forever. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years, but i feel no romance for him anymore and there is no bond keeping me with him. I think about being without him and i know i will be lonely, but a part of me still wants to be without him and be alone.

I feel alot of the time i would be better off alone, I would love to be on an island somewhere with no one around, with just me, and i wouldn't have to wory about all the stresses people seem to be to me. Yet i feel so alone, and wish i could love like other people.

I can't see myself getting married. When i am in a relationship and the loved up feeling is gone, i wish i was in another relationship. I know it's not him, i have been this way since i first started dating, and it's making me very miserable.

I can't keep friendships because of this, i can't keep jobs. Jobs are so difficult because people always notice i act strangly and i end up getting fired.

I really would like some insight into this, because it's making me feel so isolated and depressed. I have even felt suicidal because of this too.
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replied February 7th, 2011
does anyone have any idea what might be wrong?
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replied July 5th, 2011
I feel so sorry you feel this way. It is not your fault. You crave a connection and a bond and at the same time want to be alone. I get it. Most people feel this way only in your case it seems very strong. Try to accept it and realise that this loved up feeling you talk about is fleeting for everyone and usually replaced by real intimacy and a human connection, which will occur with the right person. In the meantime, maybe if you did activities such as tennis, yoga, meditation it would help with the insatisfaction. Eating healthy food - vegetables, pulses also helps. Being in nature.
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replied July 5th, 2011
I feel so sorry you feel this way. It is not your fault. You crave a connection and a bond and at the same time want to be alone. I get it. Most people feel this way only in your case it seems very strong. Try to accept it and realise that this loved up feeling you talk about is fleeting for everyone and usually replaced by real intimacy and a human connection, which will occur with the right person. In the meantime, maybe if you did activities such as tennis, yoga, meditation it would help with the insatisfaction. Eating healthy food - vegetables, pulses also helps. Being in nature.
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replied February 2nd, 2013
This makes so much sense to me.
Thank you very much for posting such an honest account of your feelings, this is exactly how I feel, so please don't think you're the only person who feels this way. My life has been a series of monogamous relationships and break-ups instigated by me, often followed by feelings of guilt, loneliness and regret. Exercise helps me feel good about myself, I especially enjoy hillwalking which coincides with D777's reply of being in nature. Thanks again.
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