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Childhood Molestation And Adult Relationships

When I was six years old, I was molested by my father's best friend. This lasted until I was eight. At the time it didn't feel wrong, and I wasn't scared. I've been through six years of counseling and didn't find it helpful for this specific situation at all, mostly because I didn't - and still don't - really know how I feel about it. When I was younger I didn't think it had affected me. I gave up my virginity at age fifteen to my first love, and didn't have sex again for two years - I just wasn't interested in it at all.

My next serious relationship was when I was seventeen and lasted for two years. We had sex a lot, but he forced me into it every time - I still wasn't interested and I think by him doing that it caused more problems.

I'm now twenty-two and have met the most wonderful guy. As much as I want to, I just can't have sex with him and enjoy it. We've tried it twice and each time I made him stop so I could curl up and cry.

I'm so afraid that this will end up ruining my relationship with this guy, and every relationship I ever have. Counseling didn't help and it's hard finding self-help books for this online. I need help figuring out what to do about this problem, and if anyone has any books that I could get that would help, that would be great too.
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replied December 29th, 2009
Community Volunteer
I have no knowledge of this part of life, but I will try...
Yours is a sad place in life...You were young...Being young, what happened to you was in your eyes not bad...It was good as it felt good...This is the way that sex is...Even a child can enjoy the pleasure of sexual stimulation...You weren't scared because you were used to it...IMO, the confusion came when you were counseled...It doing this they did the right thing, but it messed with your mind...You had to convince yourself that something that felt so good, was bad...And in my humble opinion, this is what you have been carrying along with the next two relationships in your life...What happened to you when you were young was wrong..A man used you in ways that he knew to bring you sexually alive...Then the tables turned on you...You have been both helped and hurt by the counseling...You have to learn to separate these two parts of you as being a sexual woman...Giving in to these guys when you were young was a big mistake, but this is past tense...It probably made things worse...Now again only in my opinion, you must find yourself as a woman and be discovered...I guess I would tell you to go back to your yesterday...Work into sex...Do a lot of hot kissing for a while...Slowly work into other parts of your body...Stimulate each area and think about the fact that this is right...This is the way that life should be...This is not only what a child loved, but what a woman loves....Honey, there is so much in store for you when you are able to fully release yourself and break free...Look deep into your soul and see the child of old and hold her close...Grow with her as she ages into a woman...Forgive the guilt you may have eating at you...You are just wonderful......

I wish I knew how to help, but ever since I read your post this has been on my mind...Please forgive if the words are wrong, but I had to try....Much love...

Caroline
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replied December 29th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
NL1234
Trauma survival isn't a self-help problem. Like most theraputic issues your mind has a tendency to self-sabotage attempts to fix this problem out of a desire to establish normalcy. I think you really need to return to counselling if not a more formal treatment if you want to adress what's happened to you and move forward.
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replied December 29th, 2009
Community Volunteer
Hi NL1234 and welcome to ehealth: I do have a few comments...Hopefully some may be of help to you...

First: Seek out incest or childhood abuse survivor groups to share your experiences...These are very helpful as you are talking with friends who share the same thoughts on life...

Second: I wonder if you had the right Therapist to start or if it was the right timing before for you to heal...Perhaps you would be best served by a male Therapist so that you can learn to trust a man again...Often part of the break of self or the torn fabric of the sexuality is related to not ever being able to trust the gender of the perpetrator, which is a male in this case....

With these books I have listed, I believe you can do a lot of growth and healing work on your own....:They are:

Healing Sex.....by: Staci Haines
The Sexual Healing Journey.....by: W. Maltz
The Courage To Heal.....by: Ellen Bass

I am also sending you a wonderful website...I am sending it to your Inbox so it will come as a private message.....I wish you well and pray that everything works out for you....Love...

Caroline
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