I am a 38 yrs old married woman who has spent 17 years of married life.We have a young maid since 3 yrs.Our relationship was nice till recently. Recently when i had gone out with my children and returned home a bit early as planned. My husband was alone at home.Four days back the day i left we had intercourse too. Infact he was happy with me. But when i came home i used my key to open the flat, i was shocked to see him with the maid in bedroom.Both were naked and he was playing with her body.I slapped him and went to other room. When i questioned the maid ,she told that she had come just there and my husband asked her for sexual favour. Also it was first time.
To my surprise when i questioned again and again my husband told that he did not have satisfied sex life with me and confessed that he became mad when he saw the maid alone. My husband denies having sex with her before .How can i believe this tale? He tells that he'll prove to be a good man and will never try to cheat me.
Ours was a love marriage and he tells he loves me and does,nt cheat me. Even i feel he love me and my children. But i am unable to forget what i saw in my bedroom.
He is ready to face anything and tells that he is pure except that only incident.I am confused and not in a state to believe him or leave the house because i have 2 teenage daughters and my husband is showing concern for us.What should i decide? I am a home maker and not working woman.Can i give him another chance?How can I make him trustworthy after this incident? Will he be mine forever? Should i ask him go for STD and HIV tests?I am in a dilemma and often getting frustrated.looking forward good suggestions and guidance.Still I have not comeout of the shock and not in a position to decide anything.
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First Helper Rubina37

replied November 4th, 2012
Hi, Rubina. This is a very sad situation that you are in. It is terrible for a woman to see her husband like that. I totally understand how you feel. IT is something that will be very difficult to forget or put out of your mind.
I realize that now it is very difficult for you to trust him, that you're always scared he might do something like that again.
However, what I would advise you is that if he has sincerely repented for what he did, genuinely sorry, and you see signs of change in him, then try to put this behind you and start everything afresh. Remember, we are all human, we all make mistakes. I know it will be difficult, but you have just got to give it a try, and go back to normal life. Hopefully, he realizes the seriousness of his mistake. Sit with him, and nicely, politely, explain to him everything, what your feelings are, the fact that your trust went down because of this, that he should never do it again. Try this for a while. Keep me updated as to how he reacts.
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replied November 6th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
Hello Rubina,

I am sorry for your trouble.
It is good that you realise you are still too shocked to make any decisions. It is wise to put off important decisions until you can look at things relatively dispassionately.

Women tend to expect rather too much from men.
Men are mostly simple animals and often their brains are to be found in the scrotum!
While women tend to be naturally monogamous and mostly view sex as a natural extension of love and emotion men are pre-programmed by nature to spread their seed far and wide...
Many men view sex and emotional love as separate things.

The human race isn't as far away from instinctive animal behaviour as many evolutionists hope - it isn't really very long ago we were sniffing each others backsides to discover friends or enemies.

Our so-called civilisation and evolution hasn't prevented women having fluctuating hormone levels and some women find hormone levels each month that are literally poisoning them and altering their perceptions and behaviour and PMS is now an accepted legal defence.

It is a well-known (mostly among men) but little considered fact that men can also suffer a similar occurrence when sexual needs aren't met: it begins with tenderness or increased sensitivity in the testicles which can become quite painful. This is followed by an increased sensitivity of the skin so clothes can be felt and might provide irritation. Eventually a slight headache might present itself. This is accompanied by a shift in perception and behaviour as mother nature drives the man to breed at any cost and manifests itself in a very strange way - women who the man wouldn't usually find attractive begin to appear more and more attractive and his behaviour changes to that of a "hunting male"...

The probable truth behind his encounter with your maid is his testicular or instinctive brain took charge of his actions that day by over-riding the one holding his ears apart and he would have hardly have been capable of giving anything or anyone else any thought or consideration - he was probably as surprised and disgusted at his behaviour as you was!

Some men do not suffer at all in this way and some men find it is easy to control and some men can control it with difficulty and suffer in silence fearing they are abnormal in some way and a few men discover it completely controls them, though unlike PMS or being under the influence of drugs or alcohol, being under the influence of large doses of self-produced hormones is not recognised by the legal system and such men tend to be placed eventually behind bars...

For a few men such conditions can present themselves in a matter of hours and for other men it is hours, days or weeks depending on many variables.
If your husband is such a sufferer and currently needs sexual release every two days, for instance, and does not masturbate and you allow him sex only every four days you must accept some blame for his bad behaviour even if it is only blame for your own ignorance about the workings of men...

It is possible your husband wilfully decided on a change of sexual partner to obtain some variety in his sexual diet or he was (in his mind) conducting a sexual experiment or wished to engage in a practice he could not ask you to perform or he temporarily was not in his usual mind as above - these things it is for you to decide after careful questioning and consideration.

I urge you to temporarily set aside your revulsion at his betrayal until you have considered his chemistry and whether it can be considered as a mitigating factor.

The European aristocracy traditionally considered maids and other household staff to be a respectable outlet for excess sexual energy as compared with mistresses and courtesans they were almost scandal-free as did slave owners worldwide, including those of America, consider their slaves to be a similar outlet: the obvious by-product increased the value of their stock...
In many ways such attitudes represented a practical solution to an everyday problem!

I can see from your writing that you are a dignified and educated woman. Is it possible that is part of the problem? Do you take your dignity into the bedroom?

There are many worse things in marriage than sexual infidelity - but this tends to be seen only in hindsight. Infidelity is usually only a symptom of something within the marriage being flawed. If you discover what is wrong and work to rectify it a much stronger marriage can result...
Men tend to be inherently lazy and rarely take risks or leave the comfort of home if everything they need is to be found there - if you don't feed your dog it will eat elsewhere!

Certainly he should have medical tests so you both know he isn't putting you at risk.
You don't say what action you took about your maid - if she was young and inexperienced she will be relatively blameless: you have no doubt dismissed her but I do urge you to do everything you can to ensure her future employment prospects aren't marred too much by providing her with a suitable reference that leaves out her indiscretion with the master.

You will never forget the picture you have in your mind of your husband and maid covorting naked, though in time there will be days when you don't think of it. Later you will not think of it for weeks and then later still you will not think of it for months at a time - until then you must not allow it to control your behaviour toward your husband or your sexual response or behaviour. Losing that particular battle really could destroy your marriage because he will inevitably see it as a never-ending punishment!
Punish him if you must but please ensure it doesn't continue a second longer than is necessary...

I urge you to discuss it with your friends: talk about that image until it is so familiar and boring it is nothing out of the ordinary, make jokes about it and learn to laugh about the stupid look on their silly faces...

Good luck!
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replied November 16th, 2012
Caught husband with maid
Hi Rubina,Can i give him another chance?I would say yes, after you calm down.How can I make him trustworthy after this incident?I know this is not an easy one, and will take you along time. Will he be mine forever? Well, this a very difficult question,especially since he is not satiesfied with your sex life. Should i ask him go for STD and HIV tests? Of course I would want to know if he caught something.I am in a dilemma and often getting frustrated.looking forward good suggestions and guidance.Still I have not comeout of the shock and not in a position to decide anything. Be strong and think clear.

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