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Caught hubby masterbating to random internet photos

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I've obsessed enough over this to know there are TWO camps on this topic. Those who say, "It's normal, all men do it, have since we were teens, isn't about his wife" etc. The other says, "All porn is flirting with getting dependent on it and hurts intimacy and makes them less attracted to their real life women."

I have NO problem w the masturbation. We do it mutually in our foreplay, I am not inhibited in bed at all. Having said that, frequency has been down d/t our work schedules and some family visiting, hectic issues etc. My hubby says this: It meant nothing, I've done it since I was 14 and I normally think of you or stuff we've done together, but sometimes I google some random pic as to "get the juices flowing". He told me if we'd had sex once or twice that week, and that was all, he may masturbate once or twice, sometimes none, but that perhaps 25% of the time he uses a "visual aid". He didn't understand why I felt it was such a betrayal, reiterating that I am one he loves and those are just "stupid pictures, fantasy". It hurts that he can get so aroused over another woman's image. It just does.

I am 35 5' 9", healthy, not overweight, I exercise pale as snow (which none of the sexy centerfolds are-they all seem opposite of me) and B cup boobs-- and having a terrible time w this. I am looking at my face, hair, breasts in the mirror and comparing to the photos I made him show me. I feel I can't compete w these fantasy women. I feel beside myself, clingy and insecure (which I have NEVER been with this man in this relationship). He is 43 and I am 35 and although our sex is always pretty great, I feel like I am not good enough. I feel like I need a boob job, or botox or something.

He was very open in talking w me and says he didn't know I would be this HURT. He says it's just fantasy, but doesn't need to do it if I feel this strongly about it. He said if he had sexy pics of me, he could use those when he feels the need and time or proximity permits us being together. I took some pics for him and they turned out really well, so he says he is open to compromises and that we can figure out other ways without looking at another woman's photo. He says of anything I could ask him to give up, this is easy. I am still uneasy. We've been together 4 yrs and if he is bored enough to jack off to other women NOW, when I am still fairly young, what will become of us in ten yrs or more. I am worried.

Intellectually I know men like to look at naked, pretty women. But, I am nearly unable to cope with image of him masterbating while looking at someone else. I have become painfully jealous over photos of total strangers that have been airbrushed. This is so far healthiest relationship I've been in with a man that treats me better than anyone I've ever known. My children too, he is wonderful, kind, sensitive and loving to my family. I have history of depression, ADD, and self mutilation. Lots of tragedies in the past for me. I have lost everyone close to me since childhood via death or abandonment.

Can anyone comment on men in relationships/masturbating to strangers pics in general? Also, if anyone has comments about perhaps my previous emotional traumas making this seem worse than it is? I cut my arm up over this, something I hadn't done in over five yrs--because I hated myself so much for not being enough or attractive enough to keep him satisfied. Trying to self talk rationality into myself, but it's not computing EMOTIONALLY. Feel desperate, powerless and rejected.
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replied August 11th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
I strongly suggest you take a deep breath and count to ten and then make yourself a cup of hot, strong, sweet tea...
Tea is recommended for shock - and that is what I believe you are suffering from...

First you have discovered your husband is really quite normal or average and not the god you believed he was.

Second the vision of your husband doing something "with another woman" that you believed he hitherto had only done with you since you married.

I think those two things amount to quite a large shock and it is a reaction to this that is driving your fears and worries.

Women also masturbate - the truth is many women masturbate far more than men. I wonder how your husband would have reacted if he had discovered you in the throes of a self-induced solitary orgasm - on average the possibility of this happening in any relationship is probably greater...

Please do not be so self-critical when you look at yourself in the mirror unless it is another man you wish to attract. Most men do like to look at a pretty girl or woman but this is never a criticism of their life partner.
The choice of a live bed partner is more about what is inside than mere looks - in fact on average a man would look at a pretty woman for recreation but choose to share a bed with a woman who is homely and overweight, for it is this sort of person who tends to be without conceit and has the more pleasant, better adjusted personality that is less critical of others. Men are very conscious of their imperfections and really respect those women who accept them as they are...

The truth is your husband and you chose each other. You don't need a boob job or any other sort of job - you need to have more faith in the man who chose you for his wife.
Self harm is often the result of frustration or anger that has no other outlet and I expect it is frustration you are feeling...

There is no need to self-harm because there is no reason to feel frustration. Your writing clearly shows you have a brain between your ears and a mind that is capable of analytical thought but clearly you haven't the confidence that would normally exist with a brain like yours.
Perhaps, on this occasion, you are using your brain a little too much...

It takes lots of time to get over the insecurities that a bad relationship can instill in a person and you are obviously still a little fragile. As it takes a lot of time you should give yourself that time before you reach any conclusions about any of this - by then the image you keep seeing in your mind's eye will have faded somewhat and be much less important than it appears to be now.

A few years along, if your insecurity doesn't cause too many problems, you will have shared so much with your husband that "small " incident won't matter at all...

My advice to you is learn to laugh about discovering your husband behaving like a fourteen year old boy...

I also suggest you obtain a copy of the Desiderata and read it daily - it is the answer to life, the universe and everything in one short verse...

Your discovery was undoubtedly a shock but in reality it wasn't unnatural, unusual or very important so please do not give it more importance than it deserves, because to do so can place what appears to be an ideal relationship in jeopardy or at the very least taint it with guilt and suspicion...

Please accept my best wishes.
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replied August 11th, 2012
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Re: Caught hubby masterbating to random internet photos
[quote="klm4446"]

I have NO problem w the masturbation. We do it mutually in our foreplay, I am not inhibited in bed at all. Having said that, frequency has been down d/t our work schedules and some family visiting, hectic issues etc. My hubby says this: It meant nothing, I've done it since I was 14 and I normally think of you or stuff we've done together, but sometimes I google some random pic as to "get the juices flowing". He told me if we'd had sex once or twice that week, and that was all, he may masturbate once or twice, sometimes none, but that perhaps 25% of the time he uses a "visual aid". He didn't understand why I felt it was such a betrayal, reiterating that I am one he loves and those are just "stupid pictures, fantasy". It hurts that he can get so aroused over another woman's image. It just does.

I am 35 5' 9", healthy, not overweight, I exercise pale as snow (which none of the sexy centerfolds are-they all seem opposite of me) and B cup boobs-- and having a terrible time w this. I am looking at my face, hair, breasts in the mirror and comparing to the photos I made him show me. I feel I can't compete w these fantasy women. I feel beside myself, clingy and insecure (which I have NEVER been with this man in this relationship). He is 43 and I am 35 and although our sex is always pretty great, I feel like I am not good enough. I feel like I need a boob job, or botox or something.

He was very open in talking w me and says he didn't know I would be this HURT. He says it's just fantasy, but doesn't need to do it if I feel this strongly about it. He said if he had sexy pics of me, he could use those when he feels the need and time or proximity permits us being together. I took some pics for him and they turned out really well, so he says he is open to compromises and that we can figure out other ways without looking at another woman's photo. He says of anything I could ask him to give up, this is easy. I am still uneasy. We've been together 4 yrs and if he is bored enough to jack off to other women NOW, when I am still fairly young, what will become of us in ten yrs or more. I am worried. /quote]

****************************************** *************************************

What you are seeing, IMO, will not get better but worse...He needs this erotic picture to turn him on...Now add to it that he is growing older and soon, if not now, is already having problems sexually....

To me what you said in this last sentence of the paragraph says it all...That being . "We've been together 4 yrs and if he is bored enough to jack off to other women NOW, when I am still fairly young, what will become of us in ten yrs or more. I am worried."

We have been married for near 54 years...We are still very sexual...I turn him to mush....and he I....but honey, what next?......Take care...

Caroline
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replied August 11th, 2012
Thank you, both. A few additional questions....does anyone feel LOW frequency of sex contributes to this? Does 1X a week sound on the low end for married couples? This was our average due to MY lack of libido.

Once we get sexual with one another, I enjoy it more than any other relationships I've had. He is an attentive, generous, and adept lover, always focusing on my enjoyment first and foremost. I was just having trouble being in the mood to begin with, so would often "turn him down". He's never had any difficulty getting aroused with me in the past four years, he's never not wanted to have sex with me.

He claims he wouldn't have been pleasuring himself as much if we were having sex more frequently. He says it is HIS fault for giving up initiating due to not wanting me to reject him. (Which I had been doing if I wasn't feeling sexual). He added that he was "taking the path of least resistance" and in the future he promises he will communicate to me if his needs are being met. (His main difficulty in the relationship has been communicating his needs, he tends to be passive and avoid confrontation.)

He has NEVER had difficulty getting aroused by me and "IT" (haha) happens very spontaneously. From pulling me up against him during a hug in the kitchen while I am cooking, to lying close to him in bed or seeing my cleavage in a swimsuit. If it had been up to him, we'd have been having sex at least every other day. Maybe more. It has been me who has had difficulty with desire. Having said that, I hadn't taken any steps to talk with him about increasing my desire.

I do still feel hurt and angry. I have a good week, then backslide and start questioning him again about what the picture did for him that I can't. About how he can be aroused so easy by a photo if he loves me. Then we move forward a couple days, then I crash and backslide again, get emotional and insecure and start fixating on how I can't measure up to the women he looked at.

I am taking my part of the responsibility in that I am now committed to not allowing our sex life to slide by the wayside, as I was doing. He has pledged to utilize our relationship as the only source of stimulation. (I realize this remains to be seen and from what many say, "it's just what all men do" Sad

Further, we've both agreed to put our energies into maximizing what we are doing together with massage, spoiling one another, fantasies that involve each other, making time for it when life gets hectic and increasing my libido in various ways.

He's pleaded with me and told me how much he loves me, and tried to reassure me over and over. He is being very patient with me, pouring his feelings out and answered many embarrassing questions. Out of anger, I told him I should find a picture of Matthew MacCoughnahey and pleasure myself to it while he is at work, not thinking of him at ALL, so he will know what it feels like. He says this is hurtful because he didn't intentionally hurt me b/c it was something he was doing in "private". But my saying that is hurtful b/c it is intended to hurt him as a pay back. He has been gentle and patient and taken all of my angry lashing out.

He is asking me, what can I do to make this better for you. He has continuously apologized profusely.

Do any of these factors make a difference? Caught up in my own ruminating thoughts, not sure I'm seeing everything clearly.
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replied August 12th, 2012
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Hi Kim: From what I can see I think your husband has a more than average desire for sex...This is probably a result of his over frequent masturbation..This very same thing can happen with a woman if she constantly keeps herself pleasured...Each couple has a different want of each other...Back when I changed my husband over and off Viagra, I implemented this type of pleasure only with my own process...Without going into detail I can tell you that at age 69 and me 68 we were having sexual intercourse or earlier a prelude to the full act each morning before I got out of bed...This I never pushed, but found that the body can awaken when it is gently plesured...This I had started because of his/our more infrequent sexual mating...This turned into an experiment in life that I will never forget...He never knew what I was doing/done until I had accomplished my goal...Later I found out that he was getting headaches when he took Viarga and this (not me) was his reason for backing off sex... What I am saying here is not to convince you to do what he wants, but maybe that the more sex you have the more you will learn to enjoy..Needless to say, we both enjoy this lesson in life that we learned well at that time...only more like every five or six days...

I would say that you should spend more time with him just laying and having hot foreplay...Maybe gradually you will awaken yourself to the hot woman that is kind of in remission inside you....Forget your imperfections in your body and let your mind work...Be who and what you really want to be...and stop worrying that he won't be there...

I think he is aware of his over zealous sexual problem...I think in time you can slow him down, but do try and get him away from the Porn bit of doing it to a picture of another woman...This would also tear me apart...Good luck and I hope things improve...Take care...

Caroline
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replied August 15th, 2012
Thank you, Caroline for your helpful insight. It helps to hear from someone who has a successful, long term union. I really appreciate your willingness to share your knowledge.

We've come far the past couple weeks. He's told me things he's never told me before. I've done the same. We've had wonderful talks, days at the beach, movie dates, foreplay on the way home from theater etc. And, lots of sex.

We are both taking accountability for contributing this. His passivity, resignation and sometimes laziness in our daily interactions and my tendency to numb myself emotionally, shut him out and respond with anger were affecting our physical intimacy further.

He realizes now that actually sitting next to me on the couch while we watch a movie, making eye contact, talking to me while we drive somewhere, laughing with me etc. go a LONG way in boosting my sexual desire and he's seen the results to prove it.

I can't agree with you more about the photos, and he seems genuinely remorseful for hurting me so bad with this. It is his belief that there are enough things we can do together to eliminate that altogether. He has promised me our relationship is too important to him to risk it over that issue. (I don't think he would feel this way if I was "ok" with it, but I will take it nonetheless.)

We both feel hopeful and somewhat reinvigorated in our relationship right now. He admitted that he would not feel good about me looking at other men in that manner, he admitted it would be hurtful to him.

I will try some of your recommendations and I have my second counseling appt. tomorrow. My husband is very plugged into this process, reading things with me, talking about a mutual vision for our relationship etc. He feels we'd both grown somewhat complacent and now we are ready to fully reengage in our relationship, making it the priority it should be sexually and emotionally.

Thank you , again. Best wishes.
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replied August 14th, 2012
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Getting to know your partner thoroughly is a lifetime's work and I think you have only just begun - as soon as you think you know each other something will change silently and subtlely and it will begin again...

Give yourself the time you need...

Marriage, co-habiting, partnership or relationship - call it what you like it amounts to the same thing: two people who have decided they want to be together, to share life together and take care of each other!

Making that committment means overcoming the natural differences between people by accepting and permitting or by discussion and compromise...
Life is easier when two people are pulling together in the same direction than in opposite directions - then it really is like a war at home!

One of the differences between people is the natural frequency they need sex to keep their heads clear and their tempers even - this does tend to be more important for men than women but women too can become cranky if their needs aren't met...

Clearly there is a difference between the needs of you and your man - you think he would like to make love to you every other day but you are happy with weekly sex.

Setting aside your insecurities and looking at the problem from a purely practical point of view: what did you think your husband was doing to gain relief for the two or three times every week that is missing from your calender?
The information came from you. I haven't invented anything and you say you've had previous relationships and I assume watched tv and read newspapers so the workings of men should not be a complete mystery to you...

Until you discovered your husband masturbating what efforts have you made to reach a compromise between your once per week and his three or four times per week frequency of sex in your relationship?
I suspect you have made no attempts to compromise or even spare a thought to the subject - I suspect he meekly accepted your decision and discovered ways to amuse himself - you can hardly justify all your claims when you were instrumental in causing the problem in the first place!

Those women who take their conjugal duties seriously and make great efforts to make certain their husbands have enough sex are not only to be admired and respected for their vision, as well as efforts, but they do tend to reap great benefits in the form of marriage stability, even-tempered and pliable and obliging husbands and fewer worries about possible infidelity and have the satisfaction and peace of mind they are helping him be healthier and will make his work, whatever it is, be easier to complete.

I know men who will provide satisfaction for their women without wanting anything for themselves and I know women who will satisfy their men with hand or mouth even if they want nothing themselves - some of them consider it simply as another household chore like bathing the children or cleaning a drain...
Just another contribution to a well-run and happy home!

Most such women give their men a fighting chance at arousing them for sex sometimes even when it isn't sex night and sometimes it will work and they will join in and sometimes it will be a case of "pull my nightdress down when you have finished dear"...

We all have ideas about how we think the world and its people should be but in reality we must all learn to deal with it as it is...

You had a shock - it was rather naive of you to be shocked at such a small and natural event, but on the plus side you learned something about your husband which in the long run can only be a good thing...
My opinion is one offsets the other!

My advice to you is if you don't want this to taint your marriage you really should learn to laugh about it and make a conscious effort not to keep bringing up the subject and put some serious thought into making some of those very valuable compromises...
That would be something practical YOU CAN DO!

Finally as Caroline said, having more sex will produce more of the chemicals that should make you want more sex!
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replied August 15th, 2012
Thank you for your input. I read Desiderata, as you suggested in your other reply. Wonderful stuff, I enjoyed it.

It wasn't so much about naivete, just that I falsely assumed him dropping the subject meant he'd become okay with the frequency. (I thought men get tired of having sex with the same woman over and over anyways, so that he may just have finally caught up with me libido wise). Obviously, I stand immensely corrected and won't make that mistake again.

It is now clear that if I am not giving him what he needs, he will get it elsewhere. To that end, I have agreed to basically do whatever he needs that doesn't involve other women or porn. He has agreed to speak up, stop being passive and lay it all out if he needs more from me instead of acting like everything is okay-which is what he was doing. He's also agreed to possibly improve his approach, and connect with me more outside the bedroom (which makes me want sex more in the first place).

I am very open to compromise and even having sex if I don't feel like it, orally pleasing him if I don't feel like it, (which I did sometimes prior to this, but twice a week still wasn't enough, I guess). But I will not ever be able to laugh off or be okay with him looking at pictures of other women while pleasuring himself.

Catherine and some other women I've talked to seem to agree with that. It is too painful. I have been clear with him that I will do anything else he needs, but that is something I can't handle. He admitted that he would find it hurtful if I was looking at other men when I masturbate. Mutually, it seems better for us to leave that out of our relationship.

I definitely "took one for the team" on occasion when I didn't feel like it. Oral pleasure, whatever, to try to meet his needs some weeks-prior to all of this. Sometimes, it would have really made a difference if he would have just been a little more assertive about what he wanted or spent more time with me outside of the bedroom. We have addressed all those things, and hopefully will both continue working on a conscious relationship where his sexual and my emotional needs are not neglected. We both have been not plugged in to one another's needs and slacking on connecting with each other. We hope to move forward from here, in a more positive direction.

While women are expected to compromise, men should too. When he puts more effort into really connecting with me, doing something fun with me outside the bedroom or talking to me, I am way more apt to feel sexual and express that. Then he reaps the benefits from that as well. Just as giving a guy that good ole release he enjoys so much seems to make them be a little bit nicer to their woman.
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replied August 20th, 2012
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Glad you enjoyed Desiderata - I find it a reassuring piece of philosophy...

Just a thought - if your husband is a gentleman he will want to treat you like a lady so it won't be natural for him to make demands on you...
That means it is likely to be up to you to anticipate his needs!

Perhaps you don't know this, but sex isn't something a man necessarily "likes" at a certain frequency - for lots of men being sexually frustrated represents some real discomfort and possibly even pain and if this state persists too long can even alter a man's character and mood somewhat.
For some men sex at the right frequency is as necessary as food!
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