Medical Questions > Mental Health > Self Injury Forum

Can't stop cutting i hurt the few people i love the most

over the past year and a half, ive been a cutter. i've tried so many times to stop, and i do. but then i get overwhelmed again and i end up in my bathroom, holding a razor to my wrist. i may only be a teenager, but everything bothers me. while other teenagers are free, and careless, i can't stop worrying about everything.

i can't stand my 'dad'. hes a hipaccrite, the one thing i hate the most. he does drugs, he gambles, he drinks. then he screams and yells at me telling me that i'm never good enough. which, being my dad, i have to believe him. i'm an straight A student, 4.0 gpa, 3/5 advanced classes, i run a chess club, i'm in marching band, i'm a mathlete, i taught myself how to play piano and clarinet. i'm just....socially crippled. i don't know how to interact with people my age. they find me difficult to understand.

i don't know what else i can do to make my dad proud of me. all he talks about is how amazing my brother is, my brother isnt even his son. he's my moms son from a different relationship. my dad puts on a show in front of every one, so they can see how kind he is.


a few nights ago, i snapped. i relapsed. i was in the loft, playing my piano. my dad came in, started yelling about how i do my hair. (i tease it) and how i look like a "!**@! peacock" with "knappy, ratty ass hair". i ignored him and kept playing. i always keep a comb by me because i have a habit of combing my bottom layer 10 times on each side. he grabbed my comb, stuck it into my hair, and pulled down. it hurt so bad. ithurts's to even think about it

people don't like me. ive never gotten into a fight, nore will i ever. just because i look different doesn't give people the right to pull my hair at school, especially guys. i don't like it when people touch me, let alone my hair. and 2 boys made me cry today while i was at school taking a test, one of them pulled my hair, the teacher saw but didnt do anything.

ive been in 1 abusive relationship, and it was my fault. i try to block it all out but i have nightmares about it.

i hate life at this point. i don't know how to go on. im just about to crack, and try suicide. again. for the 6th time. why won't God let me die? how do i go on? how do i stop cutting, when i do, i hurt the few people i love the most. please help me.
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replied February 13th, 2011
How old are you? I want you to know, I understand completely what you are going through. I used to be a cutter from 14-18... My father was abusive to me, but school's didn't believe me because I had "no bruises" he wouldn't leave bruises, he would flip over my mattress, tell me to get up and call me worthless. You are NOT alone, there are millions of teenagers, like you, that live with this everyday. You seem like you have a great head on your shoulders, your a good student, ran chess club [you gotta be smart to know how to play chess!] and piano is amazing!! I taught myself too! The reason why you can't interact with people your age much, is because in your mind, you see them happy, excited, and your constantly thinking about home. Are you old enough to work? Working is a great thing to do. It gets you out of the house and gets you money. You need to get away from your father [unfortunatly you have to come back] but the longer you stay away, the better. Find something that keeps you away from home for a while, after school classes, apply for a job. I know you don't have many friends, that's okay, they come in time, I didn't have many friends either, but now I do! About the cutting, its a very hard thing to stop doing. Trust me, I know. But the thing is dear, your dad is the one who has problems, not you. There is nothing wrong with you. Cutting is a way to cope with feelings, It relieves stress, just like people who smoke, and drink.
Instead of cutting, when your that upset, take a walk, or jog, leave the situation, run as fast as you can around the block, get out that anger and frustration, its healthy for you, and gets rid of that urge to cut. I hope that this helps out for you. Please stay strong, life could change in a second, you never know what could be next, tomorrow you could meet a person who likes you, or 10 minutes from now, you could get a call from someone, you never know. Just remember this, these feelings are temporary, death is permanent, if you die, you could never have that chance for happiness, god is keeping you here because he has a plan, a plan for you to be happy soon. And you will. Stay Strong!!
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