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BP Boyfriend and What hurts the most: Did he even care?

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I broke up with my Bi-Polar boyfriend. I suffered a lot with it afterwards. Everyone says that if you do the breaking up, then you don’t suffer as much. NOT TRUE.
We were together for 9 months. 6 months into it he broke up with me, convincing me that I was mean or insensitive to his illness. I had never been with a bipolar before and honestly, I really didn’t know how to manage it. After a month of not speaking I wrote him a very compassionate letter. We started to meet up again, then one thing led to another and we got back together. But this time it was different. He started to withdraw more and more. He would never leave the house. He stopped calling me, he stopped returning my texts, he would never come to my place, I always had to go to his. Everything was just SO one-sided and I began to lose patience.

We finally had a talk about this. OH, and let me mention HIS FATHER HAS BI POLAR and his mother left the family when he was 18. She still doesn’t speak to his father. Anyways, he told me that “if I start to withdraw please know that it isn’t because of you. Don’t worry, it just means I need some time.” I thought foolishly, that he would never do that. Because the beginning of our relationship was great, but there at the end it just got so bad. I felt so abandoned.

A week before I broke up with him, we took a nice trip out of the city. I noticed that something weird had happened though. The sex was diminishing and I tried so hard to get close to him….but he pulled away. It was devastating. And on this trip, the last full day we were there, he told me he might not be over the trauma of his last girlfriend, who abused him a lot, verbally, and who completely wrecked his life.

I did nothing but love and try to care of this man. I felt like a victim and I still do. I immediately got up and ordered him to take me to the train station. I had enough, he ran after me and told me not to go…that I was worth fighting for. That he wasn’t in love with her, he was just still suffering from it. I had had enough of the withdrawing, the unpredictable behavior, the agoraphobic behavior, everything. He convinced me to stay on. And I did. But I told him how I felt, what had changed, and that I was starting to have trust issues.

We got back home from the trip, and everything was fine. Only a few days later he started to disappear. I had an event scheduled that he promised to go to with me. It was an event that really meant a lot to me. That day, he called and texted me that was so excited to go with me. He even said he was going to dress up. AN HOUR AND A HALF BEFORE WE WERE SCHEDULED TO ARRIVE HE CANCELLED. He said that he was sorry, he just couldn’t handle people and he was getting so depressed. I completely SHUT OFF, my mind, body, spirit, EVERYTHING shut off. I went into protective mode. Especially since I had loved him so much.

For FOUR days he refused to get back to me, he wouldn’t answer the phone, nothing. I wanted to break up with him. I felt so vulnerable and I was tired of it. I gave my all to this man. But I needed a way to tell him face to face. Well, he wouldn’t let me so I broke up with him in email. I had to break free, but it was so painful. I know it just sounds vicious breaking up with somebody in an email, but I really needed to break free. I love myself more than putting up with it.

I finally sent him the email and deleted him off my facebook. He didn’t even try to make any contact with me after that. He shut me out. Then, two weeks later I find out through his step-mom, (who thought I made the best decision by the way) that his father came to rescue him. He moved OUT of the city back into his Dad’s house 3 hours away. He broke his apartment lease. I was really shocked. But then it made sense. He shuts me out, moves out of the city after I break up with him, etc. We exchanged a few emails and texts, some which were really mean. He never really apologized, said sorry for his behavior, he had NO HONOR in calling me or explaining anything to me. Nothing. Until it came down to picking up his painting and my refusing to see him.

One month later we had an opportunity to see each other. Well, I lost my nerve and when the day came I cancelled. I just couldn’t see him. He was coming to get his painting in my kitchen that he painted for me. I told him that I couldn’t see him and was going to leave the painting with the neighbor. He blamed my “abandonment issues” on not seeing him. We FINALLY talked on the phone. He only called me because he was looking for his painting. I was surprised, very cold, and didn’t really show my hurt. He began to tell me that he loved me, that I should keep the painting, that he’s sorry, etc. I just couldn’t accept it and told him GOODBYE.

The very same day I called his step-mom and she told me I made the right decision once again….but she also added that maybe he wasn’t that hurt by my breaking up with him. At all. On his facebook it says: In a relationship and it’s complicated. Only two months after the fact. Is this a way to get my attention? There were pictures of him painting and going on trips to see friends. Like nothing ever happened. I guess my FB looks that way too. But it hurts so much. That someone who claimed to love me just reacts that way. Doesn’t even fight for me.

That was at the end of April. 12 days ago I wrote him a really nice email telling him that I refused to think negative thoughts about him. That I hope he is okay. It was compassionate. Nothing. No response at all.

To be honest, I would never in a million years go back out with him. But what hurts more than anything is breaking up with someone and them not reacting or trying to fix anything. They completely abandon you and the situation. They don't even face up to anything. Did he even hurt? Did he even care how I felt? Why is he shutting me out like this??? I just want closure and peace…but what this has done has made me very scared and it’s left such a gaping wound inside of me
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replied June 18th, 2012
My suggestion to you....
Hi Lubrooks. Don't beat yourself up over this relationship. I understand how you feel. I am not bipolar but did have a bipolar relationship that went way past its expiration date. Be glad that you and the experience and will never get involved with this type of personality. More than likely your ex did care for you. But that is the operative word "did". Most live in the moment and their feelings change over night. It is not uncommon for them to love you one week and hate you the next. Do yourself the enormous favor of cutting all contact with this person and moving on with your life. He may try to get back with you once his new fling fails as it ultimately will. Bipolar people have a 90% relationship/marriage fail rate. Your ex is no different. Rather than deal with his issues, it is easier to waste you and find someone else. Someone new that isn't aware of how difficult he is. You are so much better without him in your life. Give yourself a little time to heal. Don't keep wondering about him. It is a waste of your energies. Bipolar emotions are fleeting. I hope that helps you a little bit. Go out and have some fun with your girlfriends and take your mind off him. Time away from your worries and wondering will serve you well.
Lastly.... more than likely you can't believe a word he says any more, so ultimately it really doesn't matter the reasons. It just IS.
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Users who thank criedalot2 for this post: CarolineEF 

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replied June 22nd, 2012
Thanks for this wonderful reply.
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replied July 5th, 2012
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it really is a wonderfully worded reply.......Makes you think long and hard.
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replied June 22nd, 2012
Community Volunteer
Hi lubrooks and welcome to ehealth: The above poster gave a wealth of information...My best addition to what she said is to never trust him again...He doesn't have the same understanding of right and wrong as you and I do....He thinks of one thing...That being "HIMSELF"....

Unfortunately no matter what he says don't fall for it....Believe me I know....I only wish that I knew long ago what I know now....Honey, I send you my best wishes for a happy life...You do deserve it...Take care...

Caroline
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replied June 26th, 2012
It really hurts reading this story as I know exactly how your feeling and I hate to think anyone feels like I did/do. My ex ended up in hospital, he said some horrible things to me, before that he had been my best friend and the nicest person to me. We laughed, but I did not recognise him when this all happened. It was the first time I had ever heard of bipolar or that he may have it. we got back together but I could not forget or trust him so finished it with him. It broke my heart as right now he is the guy I love but the chances are it will happen again. He does not take medication and does not think he has bipolar
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replied July 16th, 2012
Don't know how long you dated him, but I'm sure he cared. It's a mental illness and like it or not we will never understand how they truly feel.

I was with a girl for 5 years... 0 fights, 0 problems. I guess her medication was really good. She goes off meds and tells me that she has bipolar...

A few months later we are looking for apartments and she starts changing in a weird way...

Now she's gone, don't know where she is, but my guess it's the hospital, she's lucky to have a nurse for a mom. April is a bad month for bipolar people... It was gona be our 5th 3 days since the last time I saw her.

Good Luck to you. In the end this will make you stronger. There's not a moment I don't think of her but what can I do? I just tell myself I'm in the Twilight Zone.
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