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boyfriend thinks i will cheat on him too

well its been 4mnths since he cheated on me. we decided to work things out. things have been good and weve been progressing well. but now I have to put up wit his insecurities.I forgot what it was about but he blew up and I asked him what was wrong. and he said he's afraid that im going to cheat on him cause of what he did. I responded clearly that I wouldn't..and in all truth..I wouldn't. not because I don't want to hurt him, its jus im not that type of person who would waste their time.lol

but now every lil thing like if im on the phone txtn or browsing he automatically assumes im talking to his guy friend that's got a crush on me, or jus some random dude. its irritating and disrespectful that he even remotely thinks id stoop as low as he did. I need some advice if any of you have gone thru this??or similar
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replied March 7th, 2009
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It's all about his guilt, and him feeling guilty for what he has done.

I want to congratulate you on your maturity and the way that you are handling all this.

For I feel, once a cheater always a cheater.. they do it to you once, they'll do it to you again, but always looking for an excuse, that your at fault...

lol and your not giving him that satisfaction.. good on you, there should be more people out there who are just like you.

blessings
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replied March 7th, 2009
Experienced User
I had a feeling it was that.. hes jus feeling insecure, that I might cheat on him out of revenge or whatever. he even said if he ever found out I was cheating or have cheated on him hed go after me and the other guy. *rolls eyes* I told him to go ahead but that since I haven't done anything im no worried about it

I can see him looking out of the corner of his eye whenever I pick up my phone and roll his eyes when im texting or whatever. its dumb he thinks that way but oh well. that's a burden he's goin to have to bear by himself. its so stressful tho. one day we.ll be on cloud 9 and the next he goes off and it ruins everything were tryin to work on
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replied March 7th, 2009
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Thats great if you guys can work at it and come through with flying colours and I do wish you well.. but if he doesn't pull his head in soon, you'll find you'll just drift apart. And thats his doing and not yours...

Fingers crossed that it won't come to that.
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replied March 7th, 2009
Experienced User
I had a feeling it was that.. hes jus feeling insecure, that I might cheat on him out of revenge or whatever. he even said if he ever found out I was cheating or have cheated on him hed go after me and the other guy. *rolls eyes* I told him to go ahead but that since I haven't done anything im no worried about it

I can see him looking out of the corner of his eye whenever I pick up my phone and roll his eyes when im texting or whatever. its dumb he thinks that way but oh well. that's a burden he's goin to have to bear by himself. its so stressful tho. one day we.ll be on cloud 9 and the next he goes off and it ruins everything were tryin to work on
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replied March 22nd, 2009
Experienced User
for the past month i have been so depressed. mostly cause one question was left unanswered. he went to another state to visit his kid in october. we werent doing good then and he was already cheating on me with the other girl(i didnt know it at the time tho.)

so for the past month i havent been able to closure on something. i didnt know if since he was hooking up with one girl, if he had hooked up with his baby mama when he was visiting his kid. so i asked him.

its the only way i would finally close this and move the hell on so to speak. i just dont like leaving things floating and having them haunt me later. i asked him if he had cheated on me with his baby mama too when he was on his trip. he said he didnt touch her. that even though we were in such a bad spot he would never go back to her or leave for her.

so now i actually feel like i can close that chapter and move on. and for the first time in a month i feel like a weight has been lifted. were progressing at a good pace...
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replied March 27th, 2009
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thats great. Forgiveness is truly the key. I also commend you for being such an independent strong woman. He sure has another thing coming if he messes up huh?

Im happy for you though. Love with a great person is hard to find and so special!
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replied April 17th, 2009
Experienced User
yea I already told him no second chances. that im not responcible for his actions so I don't blame myself for what he did. yea people have their rough patches in a relationship but cheating is never an excuse. were doing great now, I told him It feels like weve grown stronger. were communicating more and he agrees.
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replied June 15th, 2009
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he's consumed with guilt! that's why he's acting that way, he knows what he did was wrong and just afraid you'll do the same thing to him, knowing it will hurt him like !**@!.
you have to be stern and tell him that he is going to have to chill b/c you cant take his insecure attitude. dont even feed into anything that he says. be quiet and let him argue at himself. this works better!!!!!
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replied June 15th, 2009
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sometimes the best "defense" is a strong "offense". think about what i'm saying here for a minute.

if your man IS currently messing around on you, what's the best way to keep you off his track? yep...accuse you of cheating. the more obsessive he seems to be about this could very well be a cover for HIM to throw you off from what he's doing.

i hope that's not the case, but it's one of two things that occur to me.

the second thing is that people oftentimes HATE those traits in others that they are the worst about. in other words, if a guy messes around on his girl, then he's 20X paranoid that she'll do it to him because that's just him projecting his way of thinking on YOU.

either way, i'm not too upbeat on your relationship. i'm sorry to say that, and i hope that my suspicion is wrong, but his actions (messing around on you) and these other kinds of mind games with questioning you constantly about messing around on him. i hope you don't take my honesty as being mean because that isn't my intent at all. it's just my opinion.

let me ask you something.

why does a nice girl (like YOU) need all of that?!?!

jasmine
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Users who thank Jazzy77 for this post: zigemyster  JavaMissus 

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replied June 15th, 2009
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you might be right jazzy77,
i m thinking back to 10 years ago i had a handsome (italian +black b/f) i had to reassure him our whole relationship that im not cheating on him. at the end i found out that he had never been faithful to be, so he was probably peronoid.
it was so bad that after we have sex he would argue at me about how he think that i've been with someone else.
i try my best not to tell all the women i give advice to "to dump their man" but i really dont believe it's worth living life being depressed over a man.
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Users who thank starship33 for this post: Jazzy77 

replied June 22nd, 2009
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I found out he was cheating on me last year in December. We decided to stay together and work things out seriously just recently in march this year. For a few months we considered ourselves a couple but I was concentrating on taking care of myself. And he concentrated on himself. It was a weird agreement we made but it worked in the end . It gave us time to re- evaluate ourselves, our relationship, and if we wanted to continue. I now have a job and I'm more independant so that helps to show him he messes up and I won't think twice of breaking off what we have. He hasn't acted insecure for months now, even when he was cheating he didn't act insecure and blame me of cheating. Were doing great now, at first he blamed me but after a few months and him thinking things thru he realized that he was at fault. He's even communicating even more now something he never did before.his whole outlook has changed.
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replied July 19th, 2009
ServiceU wrote:
he's consumed with guilt! that's why he's acting that way, he knows what he did was wrong and just afraid you'll do the same thing to him, knowing it will hurt him like world.
you have to be stern and tell him that he is going to have to chill b/c you cant take his insecure attitude. dont even feed into anything that he says. be quiet and let him argue at himself. this works better!!!!!
Liked all the advice here. Picked this one because it's not cool, the ending. This originator asks how to keep it all going if possible! I didn't have much hope. ServiceU had a more faith, I very proud to read it, very supportive, and all was cool. But argue with himself!? To my mind that's WRONG. That advice treats a man as noise box. Just how men can treat us-as noise boxes. My man has NO ONE but me to discuss his hurts. I promise you that I'm listening as long as I possibly can. We're way past that now. I hurt him regularly still (he's sensitive and strong and I'm rather careless but I try hard to slow down[English second language; culture differences]). But he has almost no need for long talks like when he was young. He listens and picks me up (I'm slightly older).
Try to be a good listener. He really needs it. And it sounds like communications are better. That's all you can control. I know you said you're not cheating to not hurt him, but I'm sure you don't want to hurt him OR BE that way. You need the moral high ground and "ease" him up to where you are. A woman has incredible powers when used for good! Good luck!
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replied July 19th, 2009
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sunhwa,
the reason why i said let him argue with himself is.....in a way that is listening without saying anything.
i can relate b/c ive been in a relationship and all we did is argue. he says something hurtful, then i say something hurtful, so it's good to be humble and bite your tongue and let him get it all out. sometimes when we argue back we fuel the fire.
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Users who thank starship33 for this post: sunhwa 

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replied July 20th, 2009
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ServiceU wrote:
sunhwa,
the reason why i said let him argue with himself is.....in a way that is listening without saying anything.
i can relate b/c ive been in a relationship and all we did is argue. he says something hurtful, then i say something hurtful, so it's good to be humble and bite your tongue and let him get it all out. sometimes when we argue back we fuel the fire.


i agree with this. it takes 2. there are no one-way arguments. sometimes we get pulled into thinking that "we" are not arguing but only the other person. the fact is that if we participate in "any" way, we ARE participating.

in a very real sense the best thing to do is to "remove yourself" from the argument. there are fine lines between arguing, removing yourself from an argument, refusing to participate in an argument, and running from an argument.

i don't know the real answer, but i do know that i'm not a "fighter" and never intend to be. i am also not a runner and never intend to be that either. i tend to be a realist however, and the realist in me recognizes that there are no arguments that are one-way deals. in order for it to be an argument, it DOES take 2 ppl.

just my 2cents worth.
jasmine
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replied July 20th, 2009
Experienced User
nobody deserves to be put through any type of hurtful relationship..but the reality of it is it happens. it will always happen. we will all at some point in our lives get cheated on etc.we will all face tough times if we are in a relationship. but what i like is that you learn and grow so that if it ever happens again you know how to handle it like an adult. the "arguing with himself" part i liked. because i did have to let him argue with himself. if he would start an argument i would look at him and just tell him to listen to what hes saying and walk out and he would be quiet, sit alone for a few hours, then he would come to me. hed appologize because hed realize that what he was saying was wrong and that he had no rite to blame me. plus not treating him good like i used to helped show him what he lost and has to win back.

i love that hes growing and that hes thinking more like an adult. plus me having a job and being more independant seems to be more attractive to him for some weird reason. im proving to him that i wont take any bs from him and he knows if he ever does anything like that i wont hesitate to leave. its been 6months since everything happen and ive set career goals for myself. im enrolling in administrative assistant courses next month and still working,keepin our home in-order, and just looking out for myself. when i say i wouldnt cheat is because i would never cheat. i never have and never will. i would rather end it than drag someone on like i was dragged along.

weve had maybe 3 spats in the last 6months. nothing major like when things were rocky last year. his best friend who knows about what happen says hes noticed a big change in my guy (they both work together in the same store) they had a chat recently about how things were going and my guy said that the hardest part was opening up to me, convinsing me that she trully didnt meant nothing, that she was like a shot of nasty liquor after a hard days work, that she was just a screw that he only said all those things to her to keep her around and interested so that when he was done with her he would just drop her. and that he did love me.

his friend asked him if he thinks i would cheat on him. hes says hes scared i will,revenge of sorts. but that he knows i have way more self respect to stoop that low. he hasnt acted insecure for a while now, 5mnths since his last outburst lol it trully does feel that weve moved on.

3 weeks ago our relationship was tested again because the girl he messed wit still had his number and sent him a late night IM. we were still up and he showed it to me and we both just looked at each other. he called his friend up and his friend said it was her trying to mess us up because she never got her satisfaction of breaking us up. immediately the next day i kept getting weird friend requests from made-up screen names. i recognized her typing and blocked her. then had to cancel my myspace page for good Sad

we saw her in the street one day and just laughed at her. she was with her new husband so she seemed very embarrased that her new hubby now knows that shes trying to stir things up yet again. shes such a child.
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replied July 24th, 2009
Jazzy77 wrote:
ServiceU wrote:
sunhwa,
the reason why i said let him argue with himself is.....in a way that is listening without saying anything.
i can relate b/c ive been in a relationship and all we did is argue. he says something hurtful, then i say something hurtful, so it's good to be humble and bite your tongue and let him get it all out. sometimes when we argue back we fuel the fire.


i agree with this. it takes 2. there are no one-way arguments. sometimes we get pulled into thinking that "we" are not arguing but only the other person. the fact is that if we participate in "any" way, we ARE participating.

in a very real sense the best thing to do is to "remove yourself" from the argument. there are fine lines between arguing, removing yourself from an argument, refusing to participate in an argument, and running from an argument.

i don't know the real answer, but i do know that i'm not a "fighter" and never intend to be. i am also not a runner and never intend to be that either. i tend to be a realist however, and the realist in me recognizes that there are no arguments that are one-way deals. in order for it to be an argument, it DOES take 2 ppl.

just my 2cents worth.
jasmine
I'm clearly outnumbered and I only understand the many here a little. Best thing is what LadyT02 just wrote. That's a great outcome.
Well, it's not a matter of being right at all. Best outcomes have occurred. My "fascination" is the "American" approach or something. Naturally it takes two to argue. If a guy's saying something just hurtful, and they can say things that need no answer (I loved LadyT02's comment "listen to yourself"). But what do you think a guy needing help is asking for? Help, for goodness sake. Seem very disrespectful to not be there. It hurts me to think boys and men hurting ask a woman's perspective and get nothing or they get minimized as worriers - now they have to face two problems. That seems to be the way men used to treat women. Where else can they turn but their loving wife?
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replied July 24th, 2009
Experienced User
sunhwa wrote:
Jazzy77 wrote:
ServiceU wrote:
sunhwa,
the reason why i said let him argue with himself is.....in a way that is listening without saying anything.
i can relate b/c ive been in a relationship and all we did is argue. he says something hurtful, then i say something hurtful, so it's good to be humble and bite your tongue and let him get it all out. sometimes when we argue back we fuel the fire.


i agree with this. it takes 2. there are no one-way arguments. sometimes we get pulled into thinking that "we" are not arguing but only the other person. the fact is that if we participate in "any" way, we ARE participating.

in a very real sense the best thing to do is to "remove yourself" from the argument. there are fine lines between arguing, removing yourself from an argument, refusing to participate in an argument, and running from an argument.

i don't know the real answer, but i do know that i'm not a "fighter" and never intend to be. i am also not a runner and never intend to be that either. i tend to be a realist however, and the realist in me recognizes that there are no arguments that are one-way deals. in order for it to be an argument, it DOES take 2 ppl.

just my 2cents worth.
jasmine
I'm clearly outnumbered and I only understand the many here a little. Best thing is what LadyT02 just wrote. That's a great outcome.
Well, it's not a matter of being right at all. Best outcomes have occurred. My "fascination" is the "American" approach or something. Naturally it takes two to argue. If a guy's saying something just hurtful, and they can say things that need no answer (I loved LadyT02's comment "listen to yourself"). But what do you think a guy needing help is asking for? Help, for goodness sake. Seem very disrespectful to not be there. It hurts me to think boys and men hurting ask a woman's perspective and get nothing or they get minimized as worriers - now they have to face two problems. That seems to be the way men used to treat women. Where else can they turn but their loving wife?


sunhwa...you make a very good point. my attitude IS 100% American. my attitude is also somewhat tarnished by experience. this doesn't make your comments any less valid. i think you are presenting a very good point.

even if you seem outnumbered, you should still voice your opinion. it is valuable, because everyone's culture isn't just like mine, and just because i have an opinion doesn't make me right. i respect your opinion.

thank you.
jasmine
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Users who thank Jazzy77 for this post: sunhwa 

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replied July 24th, 2009
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sunhwa,
i think that your misunderstanding our women's point of view. if my wonderful boyfriend ask for advice, needs my help, or is hurting, then i will help him in any way i can.
but if he is calling me all the cuss words in the book, enrage with anger as if he wants to argue at me and not planning on stopping, then i m going to listen and be humble and not say anything hurtful back to him.
why?
being a women i used to have a bad day at work, and i could be moody because of my hormones. i came home plenty of times snapping at my boyfriend.....he ignored me and said "is your period about to come on". i was very quiet because he knows me, he knows my body, he stopped an argument in it's tracks.

i dont mean to get religious, but the bible speaks about how good it is to have a humble spirit, and that a nagging wife is the worse.
hope this helps you better understand.
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Users who thank starship33 for this post: sunhwa 

replied July 26th, 2009
I understand a lot better now what you mean and what was being talked about. Thank you all.
I hope being a great confider was already known by everyone else. Because he'll go elsewhere if we're bad at that. Thanks again for explaining to me so well.
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