My Boyfriend is 15 years older than I am and has two children. His oldest child was a mistake but he was in love with the mother and they tried very hard to make the relationship last. They've been split for almost ten years and I have no issues with her at all.
His second child is only a couple years old and he had been sleeping with the mother for about a month when she got pregant (He never once told her he cared for her and he never wanted to be in a relationship with her, not for anything). She lied about being on Birth Control and tried to trap him in a relationship.
He takes good care of both children and is nice to the mothers(Pays child support and talks to them on a regular basis) in order to avoid a court situation where he would have to pay a much larger amount for each child. I guess what bothers me is just the idea of him being with the mother of his youngest.. She's very unattractive and lies about everything to get her way.. she constantly yells at him and calls him a bad father when he is actually a very wonderful father. He admitted to me when we first met that he had last slept with her just two-three weeks before we met but that it was just sex and there's nothing there. I know that he doesn't want to be with her or sleep with her and he's proven it to me time and time again... it's not a trust issue that I have and I'm not sure I can completely explain it but it bothers me so much that he ever had anything with her. Everytime I see his son or her or even when I think about it I can picture him having sex with her and I get sick to my stomach. When we're together things are great and I get along wonderfully with both children. I just wish I didn't think of her everytime I look at his youngest and that it wouldn't bother me so much. Why do I feel this way when it's been almost a year since they had sex and three-four years since there was anything between them?? And how do I get rid of these feelings.
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replied March 13th, 2009
Oh my gosh. I read your post adn I was like wow someone else out there feels the way I do! My situation is a bit different, but almost the same. Mine has one child with a woman he used to be with, but she got pregnant on purpose and tried to trap him. He and I had history before thi sgirl and him were together so that was hard enough. The girl and I get along well just like you said, but we didn't at first and she was really mean to me. Everytime I see my boyfriend's son I picture the sex too. I thought there is something so wrong with me, but I'm beginning to think there isn't. I think partly because it was a short time inbetween them having sex and it bothers you that your husband would consider having sexual relationship with someone and making a baby with someone that is so reckless and self centered. His ex does the same things..call him a bad father and criticize him to get what she wants. She obviously used the baby to try to trap him and I think you porbably feel like you would never do that so it pains you. That's how I feel anyway. I think part of what hneeds to happen is he needs to stand up to his ex and have better boundaries. He needs to NOT let her say he is a bad father or speak to him like that. She needs to know unequivically that he is happywith you and only wants to be a father to his children. I know that was what had to happen in my situation. I don't know if those feelings will ever go away because I know mine haven't gone away yet and it's been 3 years. Do you want to have any of your own children with hiM? Or are you like me and the thought of having children now is ruined because he's already done it with someone else.
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replied March 13th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
I can really empathize with you, I get really frustrated when I hear about mothers who only got pregnant for a sole purpose of being with someone.

He needs to lay the rules down very calmly/politely and that she is not to scream or harrass him. your best bet right would be to document everything and ask that she send emails, should they go to court.

I would also request joint custody, unless that is what he has already, it is not fair to you or him to be playign love triangle. I don't mean it in that sense but from the sense that she is trying to pry it apart.

There needs to be rules, someones need to put there foot down but paperwork is a miracle!!
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Users who thank diamondsz for this post: Fairy Godmother 

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replied March 13th, 2009
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Great Advice Diamondsz!
Years ago I married a man who already had two cildren by one woman (8 and 6). His second wife was pregnant with a son.yet I went into this relationship knowing what I was getting into. I do not lie ot tlak about this nor do I share these details with anyone....but felt I could here. if this could help others than GREAT. This little boy was born, and it killed me for her brothers to be banging on our door telling him their sister was at hospital calling his name. He could not get his ass to the hospital fast enough.....THIS TORE MY HEART OUT....but I loved him. I even went wiht my best friend to buy baby clothes and even a pajama and robe set for his exwife. I can't explain why, I just did. I later married this man and we had a daughter. I divorced him after our daughter was 10, he'd found anther 25 year old and she was pregnant.... that was hte last straw and I ended "us",we divorced almost 17 years ago. I remarried 15 years asgo to my wonderful husband I am with now and he accepts these "kids" too! But, to this day, I still get calls on MOthers Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and my birthday from 3 of my (once step children) ages 36, 33, & 27. My point I guess....if you truly love this man and he "IS" faithful to you, you have to look beyond the past. A heart full of doubt, spite and hurt leaves no room for future joy. I am still friends with the kids Moms and always knew in my heart that they wanted nothing more to do with this man. If oyu plan to stay wiht your man and have a stable future, you are going ot have to accept his children. THey are a part of him. Don't try to make soemthing bad out of it cause these kids could grow to love you like"mine" did. My step son, I still call him that just became a father.....and he wants nothing ot do with his dad...but wants me to meet his little boy. He said I was the only real positive thing he had going in his life! Hes a aramedic and firefighter and I am so proud of him. I didn't mean ot write a novel...just wanted you to look at things in a differnt light. I totally agree with diamondzs about rules, putting his foot down and leal paperwork....find a good attorney and at least get free legal advice on what could be done to help this situation. Oh, as for thinking abotu him having sex wiht another.....thats a mental hangup and girlfriend.....he's WITH YOU. You need to let this go. Be positive and allow good things to come to you! Always here if I can help! Ican't believe I spilled my guts like this..............
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replied March 14th, 2009
re: fairy godmother
Ok, while your situation is much more complicated, I think I see what you are getting at. I agree with you that better things could come out of the situation, but the point is is that this woman still feels these feelings about the man's son. Did you ever look at your stepchildren and think the things we think? Many times I have thought about what the little boy in my situation will think of me n 10-15 years. I know that right now he loves me. I do try to tell myself every time I feel that way that it's not fair for me to fell that way because the little boy did not ask to be born, but he was born and he deserves to have parents and to be loved. God knows there are enough deprived, abused children in this world.

Although, I am really on the same page as diamondz because that was when my feelings really started to change about my own situation, was when he went to family justice and got a proper court order and set clear concise boundaries with his ex. He no longer accepted comments like " you are a bad father" and started respecting my feelings more on what I felt she was trying to do to our relationship. He began to include me more on decisions and I think that if you will ever have a truly successfull relationship with a man who has childern with someone else, there absoultely has to be clear cut boundaries with that ex and you need to know that you are going to be potentially parenting this child and they need to parent WITH you. He chose to be with you, not her and while they can ultimately have like conversations about attempting to be consistent with their child...word of warning....in my situation the ex purposely tried to be inconsistent to what we tried to do to create drama. The next ste we have taken is that when his son comes over here it is our rules and our time. We don't care what his mother does with him and what is expected of him at our house is expected of him.If we believe there is a problem with him or anything else, we will deal with it and leave her out of it. It's only because she has been so ridiculous that we eve had to do that in the first place.

Anyways, now that I'm reading and thinking a bit more, I do believe that it has A LOT to do with how well your husband deals with her and what boundaries he has set up and hwo much control and say you have over what happens in your own life with this child around.
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replied June 26th, 2009
Wow.. I got a lot of really great responses on this post. I want to say thanks to everyone who took the time to read & respond. I've found that my negative feelings are almost always present and that no matter how hard I try to look past it.. part of me is still bothered by his past with "Her".
I wanted to have children with him eventually.. and I think that I still do, just not as much. Is it wrong of me to want that first child experience with someone who hasn't had a child yet either? I love my man and I love his kids.. I could never ask for anyone more amazing and I honestly could never be happier. I want this life with him & his kids.. just minus her.
I think what really bothers me is that she still wants him & he refuses to see it. She told him quote "Why does SHE always answer the door when I come over? Why don't I ever get to see you anymore?"... And when she does come over.. she insists on walking into our home. The kitchen, the living room.. even once tried going into our bedroom. She's more than welcome to come into the entry way and say goodbye to her son, but what gives her the right to come farther inside? Arg! I feel like I'm being invaded.. Why does it bother me so much? =(
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replied June 28th, 2009
Community Volunteer
Because you have the built in vibes of a woman....You know the capability of your sister woman....She has a red light beeping the minute she comes through you door...It is saying...Danger...Take Heed.....It is a good thing to remember....

Good luck,
Caroline
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