Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

Boyfriend raped me while drunk, doesn't remember. Should I stay?

My boyfriend is normally a sweet guy but a few weeks ago he was extremely wasted on his birthday, and when he woke up that morning, he raped me. I told him I didn't want to have sex right then and I wanted to go back to sleep, and he kept touching me, I told him 2 more times that I didn't want to but he didn't listen. At one point he asked me if I wanted him to stop touching me, because I quiet and not moving, but I didn't say anything so he just kept going. I was hungover and not completely sober, so I didn't react or say anything more or fight him. I just cried a little during it. Afterwards he noticed I was upset and asked me what was wrong, so I told him that he didn't listen to me...he said he was sorry and went back to sleep.

We've had issues in the past where he was handsy with me when I told him not to, and he can be pushy and irresponsible, but nothing like this. He drinks a lot though, so I am worried that if I stay with him it might happen again. And also that I won't respect myself and he won't respect me if I stay with him after he raped me...it's like I'm saying that it wasn't that bad, if I keep dating him. But I love him and he's not always like this, I know he feels horrible about it and said he was sorry, so I don't know what to do.

He can be a really kind person. What I don't know, is does this ever work out well for anyone who goes back? I have a sick feeling about it and I know I should trust myself. But I'm also heartbroken to leave him when things were going so well (before this happened).
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replied August 30th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Hello,

The rape might not have been a rape in the common way rape is described but because of your expectations and your upbringing I expect you still feel pretty bad about it.

For years the Liberals and the women's liberation movement have tried to have all levels and types of rape viewed and treated equally by the authorities and to some extent they have been successful. In the past it was considered impossible for a man to rape his wife (or for a wife to rape her husband) because of the duty to have sex in the marriage contract or conjugal rights. It is now considered that marital rape is possible and that date rape is a fact.
Recently there has been something of an about-turn as some experts have agreed there are different degrees of rape. Whatever the current attitudes are it is an emotive subject and it will not help answer your question to become bogged down in what is really almost a separate issue.

The real issue seems to be alcohol.
Alcohol tends to remove the inhibitions and reveal the real person underneath.
In feudal Japan it was considered a man who committed a crime while drunk couldn't be held responsible. This is a sensible approach though in my opinion someone who knows they cannot be trusted when drunk should not drink at all and the penalty for drinking with a history of unpleasant stuff when drunk should be very high indeed. Our own authorities aren't as enlightened as in Japan hundreds of years ago.

Lots of people, young men especially, need sex like food. They tend to be slaves to their hormones and are driven by animal instincts or primeval forces. When drunk they tend not to be inhibited. To a certain extent rape and pillage is a human genetic condition placed there by selective breeding in the same way as many other things now considered by society not to be acceptable, ADHD for instance.

For countless thousands of years sexual aggression has been bred into the population through war and conflict and tribal and family rivalry. Napoleon Bonaparte was probably the first ever head of a conquering army to not consider the defeated women to be part of the spoils of war. Prior to that and to this day by some it was considered a necessary part of the war and the victory to leave as many women as possible pregnant. This selective breeding is still continuing but even if it weren't sexual aggression isn't something that could be bred out for many hundreds of years, possibly thousands of years.

Modern standards of behaviour set by society believe differently and people are raised to have inhibitions and obey codes of conduct. Some personalities still revert to primitive behaviour when intoxicated because their morality is suspended.

If you have a good relationship it would be a shame not to give things another chance. I suggest you stay with him on the condition he doesn't drink any alcohol; not a drop.
If he must drink sometimes he should do what some other decent men do and book into a hotel in order to get drunk, stay with a friend for the duration or take a tent and drink on top of a mountain somewhere.

In time you will accept your bad experience as part of the learning experience and your respect for each other should return naturally.
Knowing he behaves like a pratt when drunk he should choose not to drink if he is a responsible and well-adjusted adult.

Good luck!
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replied January 14th, 2017
response
oh my god! what a fking horrific reply verne01. Youre dismissing the rape with stupid statements about laws in Japan 100 years ago and our 'primordial' instincts. arghhh your whole post was just bad advice.
anon334, i dont know if youll see this, it's a few years after the fact, but i was raped by my boyfriend too. he was drunk too. rape is not about sex. rape is about control. he wanted to control you and make you do what he wanted to do. i hope you left him. because they dont change. being raped is not part of a 'learning experience'(gross). im so sorry you were raped. im so sorry youre only reply here was by some misinformed, victim shaming, ignorant. the real issue is rape. not alcohol. thats a lame excuse. ah im so sorry you had to read that above. i hope you found help. i hope you found some inner peace. you are not at fault. he is in charge of his own actions. i hope you are okay.
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replied January 15th, 2017
Extremely eHealthy
The difference between your response and mine lilacwine is your reply was motivated by emotion and mine was a deliberate emotionless analysis of what probably motivated the drunk boyfriend. I am not a mind-reader so it is only probably and not definitely.

I suspect you are no more equipped than I in the matter of reading minds therefore you are no more privy to the contents of the drunk boyfriend's subconscious mind than I.
It is common knowledge that an excess of alcohol removes the inhibitions and to a certain extent disconnects the mind from the body and suspends totally rational thought.
You might be right and a subconscious desire for control might have been his motivation but it just as likely could have been a desire for instant gratification. I didn't speculate about what was in his mind, subconscious or not and I believe it isn't helpful to do so.

Advising someone from an emotional point of view also isn't helpful. When a person wants advice I have found it best to present facts, if I can, as emotionless as appropriate as a doctor or any other professional would, or indeed anyone volunteering and trying to adopt a responsible attitude.

Anon said the guy was a gentleman when sober. Anon seemed a rational person who would mull over facts and after the Earth has spun a few times draw a conclusion based on her own thoughts and feelings and possibly take my information into consideration.

If she has a lot invested in the relationship and it is satisfactory at all other times it would be foolish and wasteful to walk away without first giving the guy an alcohol-free ultimatum. Trying to instil a lynch-mob mentality into someone who has some hard decisions to make is downright irresponsible.
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