Medical Questions > Mental Health > Bipolar Relationships Forum

Boyfriend just dx with Bipolar Disorder- and has now left?

Hi,

I'm new here, thank you for your time and thoughts as I'm really not sure where else to turn- I really need some help.

I met this man at work in April 2013, he was married and we became good friends. There was an attraction there, but because he was married, we kept strong boundaries. In September of this year (2013) he left his wife and moved in with me.

Life has been perfect, happy, we never fought, we were strong supports for both, we were major healthy additions to each others lives. Everyday we both were so thankful for this gift of each other.

He proceeded with the separation, continued to be a great father, and in most cases worked well with his wife surrounding the separation.

Because we work together and the sensitivity of the situation, we kept it quite, mostly a couple friends and my family new.

My family loved him, my friends loved him, he was perfect, he was the one- I knew it, hands down and so did he.

We've had a string of huge stressors in our lives, we took each one in hand, but they kept building. We lost a baby, my sister was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer, my father was unwell, his work was on the rocks and continues to be, and financially we were struggling from a emergency trip home to see my father as he was ill. All this with the stress of his divorce, and missing living at home full time with his kids, and 1 of his children not taking so well to the news.

I also believe he was very isolated. Because of his relationship with me, it was tough for him to be around his friends and family and not lie to them.

I want to reiterate something, and I think you all will not believe me, but I was not the reason he left his wife- I did not want him to leave his wife- he had gone down this path many times, and I do believe I was the catalyst this time, but he didn't leave for me.

Fast forward 3 weeks ago, he got very happy, really happy at work, people commented on it, and he was really happy. We went out one evening and he made a strange choice that didn't make sense while he was drinking that was really inappropriate, but he didn't cheat on my so we chalked it up to getting carried away and forgot it.

The next week at work, he seemed quiet, he said something was bothering him but he didn't know what it was. He wanted to go home and think about it. He'd already been warned that people at work were concerned about his head being in the game, I encouraged him to stay at work- keep motivated.

Friends described him as a bit "snappy" at work that week....

That Friday (Nov 15) we went to a friends house, things seemed to be ok, the next day he was a bit snappy over me talking to him when he was trying to focus on something. Although I was taken back by his tone (really aggressive) I deserved it so I wrote it off.

That night he was with the kids, and we started chatting on text, and he kind of just went weird on me, got angry over something that didn’t even happen.He said “i’m done” and I said ok guess you’re not coming home then, and apparently we broke up.

At 5am I got an email from him, he said he was messed up, didn’t know what was wrong, wanted me to “pick him up out of this” and was scared I wasn’t going to.

I told him to come home right away and I loved him and we’d get through it. He came home in tears and cried and I held him. He had just “had a breakdown” he said.

The next day (Sunday) I had to babysit for a friend, I encouraged him to come as I thought it would help. He wanted to stay home.

2 hours before I could come home he was texting me, calling me, suicidal. I kept him on the phone till I got home.

I found him sleeping and had been drinking, plugged in his phone and saw he had been texting everyone and his ex wife, and then had just shut off the phone on them- obviously telling them he was suicidal. I woke him up and asked him to please text his ex wife and friends back and tell them he had fallen asleep and was ok for the night.

The next day (Monday)he stayed home from work, so I had him call local resources to see next steps. We had him booked at his family doctor (who has known him for years) and he was in touch with his work employee assistance group to try to get in for counselling.

I thought it would be important that if he was going to stay home again he have goals and a clear plan, not focus on the depression.

Tuesday Nov 19 (last week) he went to his Dr, and she diagnosed him with Bipolar. I thought depression and ADHD for sure, but she had said after knowing him for so many years, this was not depression. Past attempts at treating him with anti-depressants had not gone well, which we learned is typical. She thought he had type 1. She immediatly put him on Abilify,.

With this news we were positive. We had answers and figured this would be great to finally get support.

He started the medication the next day, was nauseous and dizzy and rested a bit, which is normal, and Thursday morning he felt good. Went for a walk and felt calm
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That afternoon was his appointment with a psychologist. THat also went really well. They talked about why past learned coping skills probably didn’t work because he was still in a “cycle” and they explored him leaving his wife and determined it was NOT a manic decision. We had both been worried about this, so were very relieved.

This is where I start breaking down. During his episode last Sunday I had learned that he had been talking to his ex wife and had wrote her a letter. He’d never hid anything from me before so it was really wearing on me. I kept letting him know when he was ready that we needed to talk about it, and that he was not “in trouble” I just needed to find out why he had recently not been telling me things he used to tell me all the time.

He kept avoiding it, and because he was unwell, I wanted to wait too, but found myself in tears at the drop of a hat, and becoming irrational and insecure.

Friday, Nov 22 he went out with a friend and I stayed home. I was happy for him to be getting some time, this was a work friend who knows about me, so I felt he could really relax and be himself.

Before he left I mentioned again that we needed to discuss the “ex wife hiding thing” and he said we would sometime this weekend.

I sat down with a bottle of wine and tried to get my head together and relax. I’d been crying at the drop of a hat this week, work had been stressful and this was really wearing on me.

We chatted on text while he as out, me eventually after drinking bringing up that it was hard to be normal when he wouldn’t talk to me about this. Eventually the conversation got to me realizing I had to get my head in order so I could support him.

I let him know that I had planned on going to my friend Tanessa’s for a couple days so I could deal with this anger in a healthy way and come back stronger to support him. I didn’t like how I was handling things and I needed to sort my crap out.

That was NOT a good idea……….. I was told that if I left and didn’t stay to work with him on it it was over. He then said that he would leave instead because I had been drinking (I wasn’t planning on leaving that night?) and said he was coming to get his stuff. He got pretty mean, so I grabbed his stuff out my my room and put it outside for him and went into my room.

He was breaking up with me, I figured it would blow over. The next morning I had opted to stay home and I slept in pretty late.

I woke up and he had come back and the house was cleared out.

I had a nice email saying thanks for the good times, and that he was fine with me taking space, but when he found out it was with a guy that was it, “THE END”.

I had no idea what he was talking about, he said it was in my calender. I looked, sure enough I had “catch up with ____ for cofffee” from sat 1030 to Sunday 1130- supposed to be an hour- typo?

Then started the texting, I was lying, I was unglued, I was alway unglued, I was cheating, me taking space was a sign of bad things and a deal breaker (even though I stayed and he left).

I was the WORST thing to walk to face of the earth, he wasn’t going to waste his time on this “nonsense”.

I just cracked, I had no idea what on earth had happened. I was bawling and he was just so mean. I told him I loved him and I was going to fight for him. I wasn’t giving up on him and I wanted him to come home.

The conversation ended with him getting a call on the other line and not coming back. I sent him a text asking him to consider the fact that this may be his meds and that I loved him and was available if and when he needed to talk.



Fast forward 3 hours later, and low and behold, I’m drinking again and I snap. I swollow a bottle of ativan and ask him to promise to look after my cats- I end up in the hospital. He stayed with me until they told him to leave I guess- I remember waking up at one point and he was holding my hand, I asked him if he would come home, he promised he would.

I was released the next morning, sent him a text to tell him I was out, then that I was home, and no reponse. I texted him that I guess he wasn’t too interested and that has been it, no word from him, no contact, he had texted my mom to let her know, and then that was it.

I have not tried to contact him again. I’m not a suicidal person, I just broke, I couldn’t understand what happened. I’m 33 years old and have a stable career, life, pay my bills, and I swallowed a bottle of ativan.

After reading more about this disorder, I think this is normal? Was it my fault? Will he come back?

How can someone who has always been gentle and loving and so wonderful and supportive turn into a completely different person? Is this him? I’m trying so hard to put this in a place so that I can be healthy and I really need to know what to expect.

If there is anyone I can talk to or could comment I would be so thankful. I’m slowly accepting this may be the disease today, and not his fault or my fault- but is this normal?

Thank you all so much for your time and thoughts, and I'm sorry it's so long.
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First Helper User Profile GeauxGeaux33
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replied December 28th, 2013
Yes, this is normal. My partner did the same thing. Pushing me away, blaming me, being cold. We've been apart for a month and I am often suicidal as well. We have no contact and it's killing me. He's the one, I know it and he knew it. Now all of a sudden you don't exist. It's like a "every man for himself" mode. My partner was loving, caring, wonderful and nonviolent, now he wants to live in the woods and kill his own food, his main ambition being to own a shotgun. Please read "Loving Someone with Bipolar," I found it at my local library, it helped me a lot. Good luck!
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