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boyfriend is going to visit baby mama soon

so my boyfriend informed me today that his ex(his baby mama) decided not to send her daughter over on a plane by herself after all. thats good cause i think the kids too young (5 yrs old) since hes becoming more open about his daughter its made me all motherly(i cant have kids) towards her. i was excited when he told me a month ago that she was going to come visit us. i was just as excited when he said he was gonna go cause i wanted to meet her. this woman has something im probably never gonna have..a peice of him so i really wanted the chance to meet her.

so he's thinking of going over for a week and visiting them. sounds ok right? thing is he didnt even consider if i wanted to go Sad he said it would be too much money, he doesnt want to spend on the hotel so he's thinking of staying on his old army base, he doesnt want to rent a car, etc

oh yea by the way this is the ex that sent him pictures of her tits! Smile wonderful aint it. so with him accusing me of being a snoop with his phones(which i didnt) and him txtn her to send him pics of her breasts and stupid head went and did it i dont fully trust him being alone with her. i dont trust either one naturally.

like i always tell my self you can only trust someone so much and trust that they dont hurt you, but if they mess up then its over simple as that. what hurt me the most is that he didnt even think of asking if i wanted to go, he'll be leaving in a few months so i could have saved up to help him pay half of the tickets and the expenses. so in that im hurt.


i know its months away but what should i do? theres really nothing i can do unless he changes his mind and wants me to go with him, but other than that hes thinking of going by himself.
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replied March 7th, 2008
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You asked!
Hi Sweetie, first.....I know what you're gonna say....but I love him.....from hte first incident, it does not sound good to me. He had no business text mess. her asking for tit shots, and she had to business showing them Thats a NUMERO UNO sign that whatever they had going on....is still going on. If he for once considered this relationship he has with you serious, he would NEVER have done this. If he was serious about his relationsship with you, he would have been more than happy for you to go with him to meet his ex, and his daughter. He would not be calling you snooping and he would have at least asked if you'd like to go. If this man was in love with you, he would want you to be a part of his childs life as well.......Not too sure of him staying with an old army buddy on base..not sure if this is allowed. Sounds kinda fishy and disrespectful to me. How many signs do you need? Yes, you should feel hurt. He should have nothing to hide....but APPARENTLY he does. I hope you see thorugh all this and make the right choices, You are too good for this kind of treatment. Hugs!
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replied March 7th, 2008
Experienced User
im not trying to defend him or anything but for the past 2months hes the one thats been paying for everything since i quit my job. since then i havent been able to find another good steady job. he makes about $2200 a month, he pays our $780 rent, the $350 on his car and insurance, and then $1120 in utilities like our internet,cells,food,his transportation.(we live in the california in the bay area and public transit is so expensive.) so i sorta...kinda understand that we are short to just up and spend about $1,100. but i mean if we start saving now im sure we can come up with that and i'd be able to go. i might talk to him tonight and suggest that plan. i even told him that if i were to save up my part of the money and if i wasnt working yet i would want to go
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replied March 8th, 2008
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Hi
You have already made up your mind on what you are going to do, not really sure why you even came here to ask,"what should I do?" The fact is you are not workiong and he is, he is also paying all tje bills and its a hard world out there trying to live on one income. The fact of the matter is you wrote and told that he had text messages from her and TIT shots......if $ was hte only reason you could not be asked to go I might understand that....because I do see where $ is scarace.....I also see where there is a trust issue. You do not trust him going alone, nor her to be alone with him. Lets just say you did come up with the $, would he be willing to let you go with him and be happy about it?
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replied March 8th, 2008
Experienced User
maybe i should have rephrased my question to "anybody else been thru this? how can i cope?" unfortunately my mother went thru the same thing and i remember very clearly the situation. my dad went to visit his kids, him and the ex wife used to flirt in the beginning of my mom and dads relationship (they were both in their mid 20's like me and my guy) years years later he goes by himself to visit his kids. my mom was freaked out of her mind cause she wasnt working so she didnt have the money to go with him, they were drowning in debt my dad had to file bankruptcy, she was scared just like i am that he would do something since she had found a couple of years back that they had been flirting(no sex cause she lived in another country) so her situation is very similar to mines. my dad kept reassuring her that nothing was there, that he didnt have anymore feelings for her, she let him go and nothing happened.


your right my trust level isnt were it used to be, to answer your question in the scenario that i didnt have a job but was able to save up the money, he still wouldnt be able to come up with $600 extra on his part. so i know he would have to go alone. the majority of his money goes towards our things, and what little is left goes to his parents. so i seriously dont know how hes going to even come up with or save up an extra $300. plus to make my situation harder i just got hit yesterday and sent to collections for a $650 debt i owe Embarassed


so even if i did have the money i wouldnt be able to go cause im sinking farther and farther into debt Sad god im depressed
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replied March 8th, 2008
Experienced User
thanks for being the only one interested in reading my post fairy*godmother, i really appreciate it
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replied March 8th, 2008
Joining your Boyfriend
Smile Dear Lady
im new to this forum and read you post' not meaning to be rude my love but what if you got a job' and then one evening when your together suggest that now its possible that you can come along with him to meet his daughter and x if he was a genuine trustwhorthy guy i would think he would be happy to take you along. specially knowing that he would not have to fork up the extra cash because you have saved a bit up of your own, what? i wonder could he say to put you off joining him other than hurting you deeply, It can put a strain on a realationship when children are involved from another marriage, i went to hell myself, and i had joined my hubby in Canada with my young son" leaving behind all family and friends in United Kingdom, it ended up hubby kids grew up and there has been no contact in years. just a lot of resentments, and it all became very hurtfull and sad. i threw that bit in about myself just to let you know that resenments do build up if boyfriend is not honest at the very start.
You sound like a lovely lady but like Fairygodmother i smell a rat?
FairySue xx
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replied March 8th, 2008
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Anytime!
Alwasy here to try to help ....I have been through my share of chearters, liars and loosers. It took me over half my lifetime to find the love of my life. I am only saying to your, what I would tell my own daughter ,who turns 25 this year. I was married the first time for 6 years to a PLAYA...the second time, my daughters (biological seed donater) was a playa and ended up getting a gril pregnant....he already had 3 kids from previous marriages....they are to this day in my life...Point i am trying ot make. Htere is no doubt this guy works and seems to be responsible, paying his own way and also giving to his parents. My questions are the TIT shots and text messages. My parents divorced when I was 2 and I was shipped back and forth between parents.....I know how one parent can make the other parents new love feel insecure.........but it should not and does not have to be this way. If this guy really cares for you, he will hear you out and explain to him the feelings you are having. I am just trying to look out for your heart seetheart, so yours dones'nt get broken..........Forgive me but its the MOTHER in me!
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replied March 9th, 2008
Experienced User
hey fairysue1974, i have been trying to find a job for the past 2months now. i've gone to employment agencies, unemployment offices here in my area, friends,connections, and i still cant find a fulltime. i've already had interviews here in my home town but they pay such a low minimum wage its rediculous to think that people can live on such a wage($8 hour)

im trying hard to get back on my feet, i really am.

i talked to him yesterday while we were alone. and i asked him why he didnt ask if i wanted to go in the first place. he said i was the first one he thought about, second came the fact that i didnt have a job yet and even if i were to save up with all the expenses he pays here he would only be able to save up $300in time for the trip. and if i were to get a job before the trip he didnt want me to risk asking my new job for a week off if i was barely starting out. here in california you have to be working with some companies atleast a year and a certain amount of hours before you even get a weeks vacation.

im sure he wont be able to leave for a whole 7 days like he plans cause he hasnt even been with his company half a year, he works fulltime so they might only give him 4 or 5days tops.

but other than that im stuck with all the debt i have, i dont have anyone to ask for $600 to borrow, i cant get a loan cause my credits messed up. if only he hadnt felt the need to test me by locking his phones, just to see if i was snooping around i wouldnt feel insecure with this whole situation. thats what killed me able to confide in him, and it hurt my trust in him...i already told him this. i even told him even though he was so drunk he couldnt even remember the next day, he had absolutely no reason what so ever to ask her for those pics, even if his friends were pushing him. he tried justifying it with he was so drunk. but i told him whats done is done, i dont trust either of them anymore. all he did was mope around and upset for a few days.


the whole him staying at a base with his friend sounds iffy to me too. i mean your not in the military anymore why would they let you just hang out with a buddy on base?lol so i'll figure that out. as for her her boyfriend lives with her so that sorta puts me at ease cause from what i've heard hes super jealous so hes going to be on her like a stubborn pimple...all the more reason for my boyfriend not to stay out there for a whole week lol anyways thank you ladies i'll keep you posted
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replied March 9th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
I totally agree with fairy_godmother. I'm sorry ladyT but fairy has it lay it out for you the way it is. I don't think this guy is serious about you. If I were you I would just concentrate on getting a job so you don't depend on him. At this point I'm sure he feels he can do whatever he wants with you.
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replied March 12th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
My first thought was, "well, it isn't really your kid and it is his and maybe he wants alone time with her" but then when you said he got pics of her on his phone. . .Nah. I wouldn't trust him. If he didn't have money but wanted you to go he could have made it happen. I wouldn't trust him and if he was my man and he went, i'd leave him. He doesn't seem to care about other peoples feelings too much.
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replied March 22nd, 2008
Experienced User
unfortunately i found out why they've been talking so much. a few days ago he had called her and asked her who was going to pick him up at the airport. she decided after all that nagging etc thatshe didnt want him to go visit, cause her boyfriend of 6mnths said he didnt want my guy visiting his daughter. that he would be upset,angry, etc etc blah blah the usual jealous immature boyfriend. so she let her supposed "man" decide for her. and for that i have totally lost respect for her. how dare she act so immaturely on something as important as this.

so plans are off. and even though thats not my kid, i love him and i accept her. i give myself a lil credit on that. so this is the reason why hes been going off with his friends alot, getting super drunk and coming home upset and quiet. but hes getting better hes copeing with it and im here to help him thru it. thanks guys
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replied March 22nd, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
lady have you found a job yet?

If I were the bf of her ex I wouldn't let him stay in the house neither. Hey if he wants to see the child then he should move near the child. I wouldn't live far away from my children while they are little. More so if I can't trust the mama taking care of her/him. I would be near to know what's going on.
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replied March 25th, 2008
Experienced User
im self employed....

first he wasnt going to be staying in the house, only visiting then leaving. as the dad i think he had the right to drop by the house, visit then leave. if these 2 kids cant be adults about the whole situation thats on them. if her boyfriend of 6mnths cant handle the fact that his girl has a kid and its not his and that sooner or later the biological father was going to want to visit he shouldnt have messed around with her to begin with.

yes at first i was upset that my boyfriend had a kid, but i got over it. i dont think it would make any difference if he moved closer to them...why cause her current boyfriend would still trip over it, maybe even worst since my guy would be so close.
maybe sometime in the future his lil girl might want to come live with him and thats totally fine with me, but he couldnt stay out there so for now hes doing the best he can. thanx to everybody for the input. im ending this post
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replied August 11th, 2010
This is my first time using this forum. I have a concern and need input. My daughter is 19 and is supportig a lazy boyfriend who refuses to work. The worst part is that he has never been married and has a 4yr old with an ex and he never sees him and twin daughters from another ex girlfriend but he goes to this ex house and spends the night so he can watch the twins, who are 2 months old now but the baby mamma will not let him take them to my daughters house. She is jelouse of my daughter because he slept with her before he broke up with his now ex. I can see her point of view. I have talked extensively with my daughter about this issue and many others. About her and his actions and how I would feel if I were the mother that got left with twins. My daughter wants to have his baby because she had a negative pap and she is afraid she will never get another chance to have kids. I don't want her to raise a child alone or with him cuz he is into drugs and drinking...not good. She will not listen to me and I know she has to make her own choices but I'm scared for her. Any sugestions.
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