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boyfriend hit me for the second time. what should i do?

should i give him another chance?
no leave him
yeah, he might change
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(Hello, I had posted about this the other day but it got deleted)

So long story short. The other night my boyfriend and I went out for some beers, everything was great. I was socializing, laughing, having a good time. On the walk home my bf had mentioned that I should go get the bartender, and bring her back to the apartment, so we could have a 3some with her. He tried to convince me the next day that it was because he thought i was bored of our sex life, and he thought that's what i wanted. but i never said anything sexual about her, and he brought it up. He also knows how i feel about 3somes because i told him i wasn't interested in having one. He also said he "only wanted me, didn't want to share" but as soon as he seen this blonde girl, he was like let's go get her! I'm still really hurt by that. Because I thought he only wanted me, and this is a monogamous relationship by the way.

When we got back to the apartment, I realized how upset I was. we started fighting, and he put his hands around my neck. He pushed me out of our apartment in my underwear (we live on a sketchy street) and i kept asking him why he was so mad at me. and he kept giving me different answers. He told me it was because I was flirting with a guy at the bar at one point. even though i made sure the guy knew the attention was unwanted. I don't understand, I can't stop crying. He has hit me before because I was "flirting" with the a guy at the bar. I was trying to socialize. and he had told me a few days before that he needed to be around other people. I hardly know anyone in this city. It was harmless conversation. he had ditched me at the bar, came back grabbed the wine from out of my purse, and went home. I felt humiliated, people were surprised when i told them he was my boyfriend. He has told me he is going to kill me many times while he was fighting me. almost never wants to admit it afterwards. he gave me a black eye the first time he hit me. I know I'm not a saint. I have hit him before in the past. But I am struggling with mental health issues, and have been getting help. He almost excuses my past behavior for what he's doing to me. He'll bring it up like "how many times have you hit me" But both times that he has hit me, I didn't lay a finger on him.


I may not have any kids with this guy, but I definitely don't have any money either. Everything in this apartment is his. I don't have a job, or even a bank account. I hardly have any friends anymore. I used to be on the streets, and right now I'm currently trying to get my life together. He is acting like nothing happened. He's all like "I'm depressed" even after he hit me and he sat there and went on about how he wants to kill himself and all these things that's wrong with him. He almost made it about how he felt. I can't tell if this guy has any actual mental health problems, and he's willing to chance, or if he's just a selfish jerk who can't handle his liquor. He has also before in the past yelled at me in a bar in front of his friends, telling me "everything was my fault" Our room mate got involved and got in his face, and he ended up pulling a knife on our room mate. he was a total jerk to me all because i wouldn't go for a smoke when he wanted to. (because i wanted to finish my beer) He was also a jerk to me the night morning. STILL!

I really do love him. but i don't know if i can forgive him. sorry doesn't make me feel any better the second time around. He has also told me he would never hit me again no matter how angry he got after the first time. He told me he was going to quit drinking, and get counseling. but he has said this before to me in the past. I don't know what to do besides go to bar, and try to sort things out in my head, and get away for a bit.
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replied May 25th, 2014
Extremely eHealthy
Hello,

I am sorry you haven't had a reply sooner.

Alcohol does rather tend to remove the social inhibitions and reveal the real person underneath. The people who aren't nice after just a few beers should never drink or only drink in a motel or a tent on top of a mountain somewhere.
It isn't as daft as it sounds and some responsible people really do that when they want to drink.

Buying only one beer at a time and drinking it at home is another way of drinking responsibly.

I guess when he has had a drink or two he can't be wrong. As soon as he suggested that threesome he knew he had said the wrong thing but couldn't admit it so he had to try and laugh it away and then blame you, make excuses and then finally pick a fight just so he couldn't be wrong.
I guess he wasn't as mad at you as he was at himself but can you imagine him hitting himself...

The mistake you made was trying to be rational at a time he needed to be quietly understood and forgiven or more likely simply agreed with. Drunks need their couple of remaining brain cells to be humoured...

Guys like to think their sexual prowess is without compare and lots of guys want to have a threesome sometime because the fantasy feeds their egos. Few men can fully satisfy one woman which is why when a woman fantasises about a threesome it is usually her and two guys but no man wants to hear that.

I guess there is probably a fancy name for his particular personality disorder or maladjustment but I don't know what it might be though I haven't much doubt he has such a thing.
I suspect he has a fairly high schizophrenia level and when he is ranting at you and lashing out I expect it is like he is watching somebody else doing those things that he has no responsibility for and so later his apparent guilt isn't real and is soon forgotten.

Counselling is unlikely to do any good because he hasn't got any problems therefore he doesn't need help. Counselling only helps people change who really want to change.
A few sessions with a decent behavioural psychologist would at least help him to know himself better and make him understand why he makes the choices he does and from that understanding is the best chance of him modifying his behaviour and attitudes - or growing up in other words.

If you don't want to replay the scenario over and over again in the future then you don't want to be with him. As long as you stay there is always a likelihood of repeat performances.
The main reason it will happen again and again is he is in denial that he has a problem and that is why he is unlikely to quit drinking and when he does get things wrong his ego won't allow him to admit the fact and apologise but instead he has to prove he wasn't wrong inside his head to his own satisfaction even if he has embarrass you in public, to black your eye, half-strangle you or worse.

A relationship needs rules to ensure smooth running over the bumpy bits and he might agree in principle but he would be incapable of keeping any rules because his social inhibitions, his decorum, his courtesy aren't ingrained enough to survive alcohol or his temper.

Sorry again for the late reply and sorry I haven't helped at all as the streets are harder than any bed so it is really no contest.

Good luck!
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