Medical Questions > Relationships > Dating Forum

boyfriend didn't stick up for me

so me and my boyfriend have been going out for a little over a year now. and he smoked before we went out but he quit because i have asthma and he told me he loved me and that he would stop. well the other day i found 2 lighters in his pocket. he lied and said he was holding them for his friend. i knew he was lying. so i kept questioning him and he finally told me. he has started to smoke again. it made me so upset. should i been mad at him or upset for him starting to smoke again? i dont know what to say to him. i mean, i was just him to tell me when he smokes. i dont want to have to find out that he is. i just want to be told. any ides what i could do to make him know that im not mad?

oh and we were hanging out with his friend tonight and his girlfriend and it was all good and all till her boyfriend pissed me off. he was jumping on the back of my car constantly after i asked him to stop nicely. and he started to get an attitude with me so i threw a little bit of my water on him. not much. then his girlfriend was like aww its cold i cant believe you did that. and i was like well i told him to stop. get over it. was i wrong to do that? oh and on top of that my boyfriend didnt even stick up for me? he rarely sticks up for me..
well answer my questions please.
i need some answers please
thank you i appreciate it!!
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replied March 31st, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Wow, ok. thats actually funny that you threw water on him, lol. Anyways, I probably would have screamed at him and maybe done the same thing. I would also get upset if my boyfriend wouldn't stick up for me. my ex said he would never get into a fight over me and to me that shows he doesn't care. My current boyfriend *does* stick up for me and is slightly protective and I love it! I don't blame you for wondering about it. You should talk to him and see what he says. You'll be able to tell whether he stays out of it because thats how he is or if he just doesn't give a crap.
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replied April 1st, 2008
Smoking: Many people who try to quit smoking do not succeed on the first try and many will also try to hide the fact that they have failed. Reasons for the dishonesty about smoking may very but for most it is just embarrassment about failing and I would not read too much into him hiding this from you. I quit smoking several times before I actually succeeded so I know it’s not easy. Personally, the thing that helped me the most in my efforts to quit was when my wife stopped bothering me about it. I know she was only showing her concern for my health but it seemed to put additional pressure on me that I did not handle well. Try to encourage him to try again without adding to the pressures of stopping. I hope he succeeds because it will be one of the best things he ever did for himself.

As far as him sticking up for you, I am lost on that one because I am overly protective of my wife to the point that I have punched guys for disrespecting her. Did you tell him how you felt about it and what did he say?
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replied April 9th, 2008
Experienced User
no matter how annoying your guys friends get be the bigger person and not throw things at em lol your boyfriend should have been the one to tell him something not you. for the smoking its not easy my guy is going thru it but i wont go off on him if he suddenly feels a craving and has a smoke. but when he is doing good i.ll praise him for it. if he doesnt stick up for you i say stick up for yourself, my guy dos but wen it comes to other females he lets me do the dirty work Smile lol after he told me he was glad that he wasnt with a yes girl, a girl who acts spoiled, like a baby etc but that she sticks up for herself even if it sometimes means against him. some guys like independant girls
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replied July 7th, 2008
About the smoking, just give him time.
About him sticking up for you...you shouldn't have to depend on him to fight for you, you're supposed to do that for yourself. If he doesn't do it, then whatever, just don't worry about it.
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replied September 7th, 2008
Experienced User
i would have kicked his friend lol
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replied September 7th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
i think i would of been a little upset bout the smoking thing as well seen as tho he should feel like he can tell u anything but just tell him that from now on if he is doing something you might not approve of just to talk to you bout it bc it saves arguments,
About the friend on ure car well i would of pulled him off myself after him ignoring u like that and u asked him nicely at 1st so he was obviously taking the biscuit, as for your bf sticking up 4 u i think if it is something majorly serious then yh i would expect my fiance to stick up for me but if its something little then no not really coz u can sort stuff out like that ureself otherwise to him and other ppl you might look like a bunny boiler who likes to see her man fight over her if ya know what i mean, hope this helps
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replied September 8th, 2008
Experienced User
well its her car and she has the right to stop the friend..
about the smoking thing, when ur in a relationship there must be trust. HATE lying guys.
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replied February 28th, 2010
Experienced User
Smoking Boyfriends And Battered Cars
Is you car a total wreck which you outwardly loathe, or is it your pride and joy? - If they`d no reason to think that you had no care for your car, that would make them the enemy in my book, to be entirely avoided at all cost. They seem to be walking all over you, because you can be, but mostly because you`re there(?) - Don`t be. You are better-off alone whilst he retains those friendships(?)
The smoking issue - There is nothing written that says you must be with someone that smokes. On the other hand, it could be that he would of told you eventually, for the lapse would have to come before the telling! It might also take a while to come to terms with and accept that the habit had resumed.
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replied February 28th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
I'm guessing you've solved most of these problems in the last two years but in case you havent...

I'd tell your boyfriend that you -understand- that he is dealing with an addiciton, that is the only way that he could ever disappoint you by lying about smoking and endanger your weakenned respitaroy health. I'd tell him that you will support him any way you can as he works to quit smoking as long as he continues to work at quitting but that you cannot date a smoker.

As far as him not standing up for you. It is important that he stand up for you if you're right and it is important that he not stick up for you if you're not in the right. You should never drag him into a fight to support your actions or beliefs when they aren't his own and if you look to him for support and he shakes his head or backs off from backing you up you should seriously diagnose why the two of you disconnected on that. It could mean that your relationship is not as healthy as you thought or it could simply mean that you were out of line.
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replied March 1st, 2010
Experienced User
Gang Cult Behaviourism?
The main problem with giving clear answers to your questions might be in shear complexity. In the first place you`ve done nothing, and are doing nothing wrong, unless in trying to create situations for your boyfriend to rescue you from, as previously suggested to? Optimal rescue is not always an option, most of the damage often already being done. To retaliate is not a rescue. The best option for rescue in this case was for your boyfriend to have apologised to you on their behalf, and then to have had nothing to do with them until such time as they should apologise to you to your complete satisfaction; which would doubtless be never. He would have rescued you, or tried to, somehow, certainly if his relationship with you had been more vital than that with them, but perhaps only then if there was already the real threat, real to him, in place of your loss - You weren`t at the same time trying to ask whether he`s a nice guy? It`s natural to want a boyfriend to stick-up for you, but be mindful as to when you expect it, and how.
Their antics might be explained, as it appears to be gang cult behaviourism - you don`t need to be a member of a gang to display it though. Could be they were establishing/reinforcing an order of allegiance, for only then does it make any clear sense, apart from revenge? - Demonstrating that they are his first mates and not you - Nasty! Another example would be, you arrive at a hostel with other girls to begin a course. Some of them go upstairs and start throwing water down on others of you from the windows. This is to establish a pecking order: These people sound a bit primitive if this is the case, and the more reason to avoid them.
You seem to be with the wrong crowd(?)
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