Medical Questions > Mental Health > Bipolar Disorder Forum

Bipolar new mom, I just need someone to talk to

I don't even know where to begin. I'm bawling my eyes out right now as I write this and I am so ashamed of myself and I hate myself so much.

I've been diagnosed as bipolar for a while now, and I finally started getting medication (I was misdiagnosed years ago as clinically depressed and prescribed antidepressants which just made me worse). I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, too. I started Lamictal at the beginning of the year, and I am seeing a psychiatrist regularly to help get my meds stabilized. I am supposed to be getting into some sort of outpatient program for mental health but that hasn't happened yet due to transportation and money issues.

I have a beautiful 6 month old daughter, I love her so so so much. And if it weren't for her, I probably wouldn't be here right now. I am a stay-at-home mom, too. I don't do anything outside of my home. I also have a not-so-good support system. My husband, while sometimes available physically, is rarely available emotionally and doesn't take my feelings and thoughts too seriously. And my mom (who I usually go to) is not nearby and I can feel her getting tired of dealing with my crap, I feel sorry for bothering her. I don't know where else to go.

I feel like I just can't take this anymore. I feel like the worst person on the face of this earth. I should have NEVER been a mother and the gods that be have a damn funny sense of humor to give someone like me a child. There are some times where I am great and active and productive and all I want to do is hold her and play with her. I am so full of love and happiness and I am so in love with my baby and being a mom. I can't imagine doing anything but be at home with her and taking care of her and the home and I am so high on life, I feel invincible and like a super mom. And then there are times like today and these past few days where I feel so detached from her and I don't want anything to do with her...

She makes me so angry and frustrated and I find myself ranting and raving about how I just want to her to shut up and leave me alone, where I just let her cry and cry because I don't feel like picking her up and all I want to do is sleep all day and just blank out and not think or do anything. And I start thinking about my life without her and how I wish I never got pregnant. I get so overwhelmed with anger and depression that I usually have to lock myself in a room and just sit in the corner, shaking, trying to make the thoughts and feelings go away so I don't lash out and completely lose it.

I have never ever ever had these violent thoughts towards my baby, thank god. But they are always towards myself. I am also a recovering self harmer and I feel the need to just keep hurting myself, just to relieve some of the pent up evil inside me. I have put holes through the walls and broken windows and mirrors because I just can't control it anymore. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it. It isn't until after an episode where I see the damage I've done and I feel awful.

And then after all these feelings towards my baby, I feel instant regret and shame. I feel so so so bad. Last night was an awful night. Here's a perfect example.

My husband came home from work and I was just sitting there crying with my head in my hands while she cried right in front me. He rushed over and picked her up and looked at me like, "what the hell is going on." All I remember is saying some things, going to the room, and covering myself in the sheets on the bed. I heard him crying, too, and then I fell asleep. I woke up hours later and asked him what happened and he said I said some god awful things. He couldn't even repeat them, that's how bad it was. He said they were along the lines of how I wish I didn't have our baby and how I wanted to die. I was blank and emotionless the rest of the evening, and I hated myself so much.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of hearing about the post partum depression stuff, I think I am beyond that. I think I'm just a screwed up person who doesn't deserve such a beautiful, miraculous gift of life. I hate myself so much and I hate who I am when I hit a low around my baby. I'm going to screw her up so much and I feel so so so so bad that she was born to someone like me. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want to stop existing and let her and my family be happy without having to worry about me. I feel so alone and sad and hopelessly lost.
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replied March 13th, 2013
That's hard to read. You are a great person. God gives gifts to people who deserve them. Your not alone in this world. Not your fault. You have all the same conditions as my girlfriend. I love her no matter what. I can't fully understand how you feel but i suffer from depression my self. You deserve all you have remember that. I hope your okay and hang in there. Stop beating your self up. Doesn't help. Then again sometimes you have no control. It's okay.
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replied March 13th, 2013
I hope you hang in there. people do care. I go through this with my girl. I feel your pain.
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replied March 17th, 2013
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Just know that it's the disease telling you you're worthless, and it's a lie.

It sounds like you may need to have your meds adjusted. Are you able to get in to see your psychiatrist? Show your husband these posts, and tell him you need his help, because you don't have the strength to help yourself right now. You may need to check yourself into the hospital and let your mom watch your baby for a while, until you can get your meds straightened out.

You're not alone. Please let us know how you're doing.
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