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Bipolar Manic Moods - A double edged sword...

How often does your manic mood sabotage your plans/projects/work
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On Occation
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Total Votes : 1
Some days, I feel like I am stuck at a train station. On the one hand, you have the bullet train to creativity while on the other, you have the taxi-cab ride home to depression.

Sure, the medication keeps you on a level playing field (most of the time), but this usually means you end up sitting at the station, watching the train's whiz by and staring blankly at the empty taxi cabs waiting for a fare and not wanting to take either of them.

It used to be that I could just go with the flow...go wherever the mood was leading me. Nowadays, when the medication "loses the battle", I either curl up on the bench next to the train tracks and try to sleep it off or bury my nose in an old news-paper, reading the articles for the umpteenth time, hoping it would drown out my mind's insescent shrieks of creative madness.

I have fought these battles for far too long. Manic moods is a exilirating high where your creativity knows no bounds...but just like drugs, that high comes at a price. When you are in a manic state, all reason flies out the window. You go overboard, without realizing it. You lose touch with reality and your dreams and ideas become exagerated and unrealistic. No common sense or reasoning can stand in your way...not even spending your last dime, even though you know for a fact that doing so, would bring you ruin.

When the mood finally starts cycling down, you start to realize more and more that what you were trying to achieve is not possible...yet you cant bring your self to just simply scale down what you were doing, because by then it is too late and the depressive phase has started to kick in. It is as if though you were thrown off the train for not having a ticket and being too tired to walk the rest of the way, you curl up into a ball on the side of the tracks, not caring for anything except the deep and utter regret of what you had done in the heat of the moment, just serving to drive you deeper still into the abysmal depth of depression.

Eventually, you somehow find your self back at the station...with one less possible destination, as the next time around, the ticket is much more expensive and you cant justify paying the price.

And now, you have yet another nemesis... The thought of all the things you have started out to do but abandoned. The thought of what you could have achieved but did not because of some hyper-active dynamo in your head, egging you on to go just that little further...further than what you needed to...that eventually burnt you out and left you at the side of the railroad tracks.

I often wonder wether great artists like Michelangelo, while painting the Sistine Chapel, were in some sort of a Manic mood... and if so, how did they see it through. I doubt you can say that the pressures were any different, quite the opposite. While in our day and age, the worst you could face is being fired and shamed, having your head chopped off could have proven a bit more drastic outcome in the event of failure. Or may hap that is it... Given enough negative motivation, do bipolar minds thrive and overcome logic to eventually achieve the impossible? On the other hand though, how do you motivate someone with a death wish...

Family and friends dent understand why you sit in limbo... hardly ever getting out of your pj's or making some effort to do something... Heck, most of the time, you yourself cant understand it. The fact is, what ever you do...you are doom if you do and doomed if you dent, so why waste the energy on something that would more than likely amount to naught. As it is, I use up a quarter of my energy fighting off ache's and pains in my joints and fatigue due to the genetic spelling mistake called Marfan's, so why waste any more.

It is not a choice...it is just a more logical option...and logic is something I have difficulty defying, although while in a manic stage my actions would suggest otherwise...

In the words of a fictional yet brilliant t.v. character...

"It is a blessing...but also a curse"
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First Helper Seraph
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replied January 19th, 2012
I love your train station picture, as it describes so well what it feels like to have BD.
It has been said that many great artists or talented people suffered from BD, but could not have achieved their creations without the mania. I totally agree about Michaelangelo. I wonder if he also went through times of deep depression as well.
I have racing thoughts which have helped me to write songs; other times all the thoughts fatigue me so much & I know the fall is going to be hard.
I also identify with what you said about feeling guilt for all the unfinished projects & unkept promises... I wonder if the people I made those promises to feel the same kind of sadness.
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replied January 19th, 2012
Experienced User
I have heard the same thing. Oddly enough, they say the same about people with Marfan's. Wonder if my problem is coming from both directions, lol Razz
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