Medical Questions > Mental Health > Bipolar Relationships Forum

bipolar girlfriend left me again

Hello everyone. This is my story. It's a bit long, but comments are apreciated.

I've met online a girl. We talked (not just talked :p) by phone for about six months. We talked about all sorts of stuff for hours at a time. We decided to meet one day as I was hinting her to have sex with her in real. We met at her place, cooked together and had sex. I slept over at her place and then gone awol for about 10 days. She met someone else during that time, I started to feel something for him (she said she felt something more for me but lost it during those 10 days). I told her about my feelings to her when I cleared everything in my head. She eventually decided for me.

We started being couple in mid January. It lasted three months. Soon at the start she casually mentioned that she's bipolar. Didn't know much about it and didn't put much thought into it as she brushed that away lightly. She was and is unmedicated. During those three months she told me she likes me a lot, but she can't say she loves me. Sex was great. Then she dumped me one day. I was much to be blaimed as I was very narrow minded like "no, this isn't for me, no I don't want to do this or that" and not being much romantic. I took this for granted. I wasn't in a relationship for so long that I didn't knew what exactly to do and forgot about the little things. She claimed she doesn't love me, she sees me as a friend, that I'm in a friend zone.

We argued about this for some days after the break up, but then decided for 14 days of no contact as she said she's very tired and needs to rest from me. She called me exactly on the day NC ended, saying she had a memo in her phone and she called (later when we were back together she said she didn't have a memo in her phone and that she already knew two days before the date when to call me. she said she enjoyed silence for first few days of NC, but then she missed me more and more.). We went on a coffee and then later we had a talk at her place about a month after a break up. I wrote her a poem and it made her cry. She said she's confused and doesn't feel towards me what she thinks she should feel. I slept at her place and went to work in the morning. I left her a short "I love you no matter what" note in her bathroom and it broke her when she saw it later that day. She cried. She told me she had sex with one guy during that month as she wanted to see if she feels anything. She said she was empty and that it helped her figure out what she feels about me.

We got together, go on a date, I gave her a birthday gift a few days later and she said it's the best birthday she ever had. Everything was great for a little more than a month. She told me many times that she loves me, writing on her facebook how love is making miracles, posting info and photos where we are, what we're doing, how happy she is. She told me "thanks for staying and not going away during that month of break up".

Then sometime in mid July she started to have doubts again. That we don't talk a lot (for hours and hours ... she was bothered that nothing much is happening in my life - read: that I don't have dozens of projects like she has). She was saying she feels like being single, asking me if I think there's ever going to be anything from her, asking herself what if she'll be single for the rest of her life ... On some days she looked like a zombie, empty eyes, saying she feels nothing for me. A day or two later she was saying she likes me, that I'm everything she isn't and vice versa and that's why she likes me ...

One day about three weeks ago, she wrote me txt, I felt for some time now that she's becoming more and more distant, saying she doesn't know what's wrong with her but she just doesn't want my company. Two hours later she contacted me we a plan to come to my place at that moment and we'll cook, just to figure that she can't make it as she has a meeting in about an hour.

So about two weeks ago she again wrote me that she sees me as frind, that I'm a great person and that she doesn't want to loose me, but she can't fake me that there is something there where it isn't... Just like the first time.

I came to her place 10 days ago and I already knew what will happen. She was pissed about me for talking to her best friend about her and her bipolar and stuff. She didn't let me touch hera at first. I talked about stuff, explaining me and my feeling for and hour and a half.

I had her rollerblades in my car in a parking lot. I told her I'll go and bring them back to her (it would took me two minutes) and she looked at me and said "no, you save them". Later that night I wanted to give her back her keys (from her apartment and from the doors to the apartment building). She looked at me and said "no, keep them". I didn't say anything, but I thought it's weird to let me keep her keys if she's ending it. Why would she want me to have her keys as even her bestfrind doesn't have them? Does she think deep down in her that I'll need them again?

I cried for the entire night (minus two hours I sleept). She was hugging me, kissing me on my head, lying on my chest, told me she won't let me drive like this and that I'll sleep over, told me to take off my pants to be more comfortable ... She was also crying, saying sorry for doing that to you ... In the morning it was soooooo hard to get up and leave as I had to go to work. She let me kiss both her ass cheeks and smiled. I told her during the night that I can't be just her friend, that I love her too much and it would hurt me too much.

We haven't heard from then as I went into no contact. We both need some time away from each other in my opinion. She's again posting on her facebook how happy she is, how stuff is happening, how everything is perfect, one days saying she didn't sleep for 28 hours ...

I talked to her best friend and he said that she's offering me something great - friendship and that I'm crazy and stuborn and much more for not taking that and just wanting a relationship. He said that I dind't loose her and she just doesn't want to contact me in a state I'm in now. He told me she tried to force herself twice to love me (I don't buy that. You can't fake being in love for more than a month to someone. I was there with her, I say and felt it.) ... I think it was her current state saying him that. He didn't have any explanation after I told him about the keys and rollerblades.


I know I should run Smile but I can't. Not just yet. Despite everything, she has something that doesn't allow me to let go. I'm not shure if this is over or she'll come back again and change her feelings. She told me the day she dumped me, that she isn't bipolar at the moment. I don't know, but the cycle is very similar to the first time.

One thing that noone I talk to understands is why would she tell me, to keep her keys and rollerblades when I wanted to give them back. Some say that she isn't just quite done with me. I plan to leave her alone for one or two (more likely) weeks to see if she'll start to miss me. I might contact her then to see how things are. If she'll be cold and distant still, I'll just return keys and rollerblades and delete her from my life. I know I'm crazy and stupid, but I'm willing to try again. But this time we would need to talk about a lot of things including her bipolar, set some rules and stuff. We'll see. One day at a time. I'm just trying to focus on my job and hobbies that I neglected during the last months.
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First Helper Burr1013
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replied August 19th, 2013
dude this really helped me and can relate alot to your story cuz me and my bp ex gf have been struggling to ends meet,except i still can't cope with what happend and what she did to me and took off and left me for another person then she end paying the price for it and hurt us both yet her self for trusting some dude she's know online for 3year compared to are relationship of almost year in real life and she messed up,this guy used her and was really mean to her and wasn't who said was she went all the way up tamp last week.
Yet i was suffering from heartche and pain still when dumped me back july d from this month and we tired make end meet and talk after i shut her out for about four weeks straight but it wasn't easy at all for me,tell i saw her again and we talked and all that.

in between all that this "kyle" dude as described in beginning but she acted as if are relationship never happend which today hurts,but i talk her recently and we talked alot even her mom was furious ethis time and saw the way things went about between us about everything not from way she treated me but everything her mom even told me when had convo on friday the day i was staying cuz my ex came back tuesday and i didn't start talking to her again tell thursday anyways her mom told me as we talking about her daughter and everything she told me she was asking about me when she up in tamp miserable cutting her self and crying to mother explaining she didn't why she left me and how screwed up everything was and how of great i'm and how mean to her,
i still love and we've talked about starting over again but i don't if can do it,its crazy cuz the other night i told her if wants me to go ill leave she said she didn't care which i thought was b.s that was before she said she's kept "fighting so hard to keep e min her life" cuz she love's me maybe blind,we had few moments here and there she calms she just wants be friends,its crazy cuz she gets upset for way i feel but doesn't know how i really feel that i've alot since then this been hardest thing ever had do and her too guess,she did calm after whole that love is crap,when if was then was it a myth when were together? She says are friendship and relationship means more then anything cuz asked her more once even i was mad when talked about are relationship and everything i've said pretty much.

Things have slowly have been getting better its took more then month to get better,i've stopped drinking and i'm make effort as well,but i'm tired of feeling guilty for the mistakes that aren't my fault.and like you said i'm trying to take this one step at a timed try things again and start over,part me feels like she's scared she's gonna loose me but now i've been focus on myself again and trying not to get lost and confused and do things for me.
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replied August 19th, 2013
Someguy11... Dude I really feel for you, being in or getting into a realtionship with someone who suffers from BP can be VERY difficult and hurtful. I dated a girl for 2.5 years, and during our second year she was diagnosed with BP. She's an incredible person, very beautiful in an out, and I am in love with her. Over the past few months our relationship was struggled because she has been struggling a bit more with her BP while working full-time. She became distant, told me her feelings were changing for me, stopped saying she loved me, we stopped having sex and hanging out; i was basically pushed out of her life.

About a week ago I contacted her mother, sister, and bestfriend. I was reaching out because I hadn't heard anything for nearly 2 weeks. We had been on a break for 5 weeks at that point because she needed to figure out her feelings and wanted to try and deal with BP a bit better, I was too much added stress in her life. Her mother and sister are ashamed of her attitude, she has become selfish and self-centered, who only wants herself to be happy. They think I was her best BF, a great match because of my support I've given her. I truly love her. She doesn't talk to them, listen to them, clean up after herself or apologise when she lashes out at them. I received this treatment a lot of the last few months as well. Sickness or not, you can't treat people like that. Her family is fighting for me to be back in her life but she won't right now budge right now

I chatted with her Bestfriend last week over coffee, described my feelings for my gf, how'd id been doing everything to try and reach out to her, sending her flowers, leaving her love messages on her answering machine, giving her space when she needed it. Her friend was in awe about how much I really cared for her. They talked that night and it turns out that my GF has actually cheated on me with a guy at work that she had had her eye on for awhile; her bestfriend advised me to call her and be persistent about what was going on.... when I did we broke up but she never came clean despite my effort. The funny thing is that since July I had been suspicious that she might have been with other people, she stopped contacting me, stopped wearing the diamonds i bought her, stopping saying she loved me and holding my hand like she use to when were out together. There were so many signs; and then she asked for a break and brokedown, that's when I was 100% sure there was more to the situation than just BP and feelings.

Anyways, I am now in NC with her, I deleted her off FB, Tumblr, Twitter, and phone ( i know her number off by heart) and she has contacted me twice since we broke up. I will not respond for now. These relationships are difficult, with them suffering from mood swings/changes every so often it's hard for them to always "think right". I mean my gf was pissed that I would reach out to her loved ones, that's not right, I was doing it b/c I cared about her and we have something that was true. Her personality has COMPLETEly changed since May when she was in love with me and hardly would leave me alone. They do this, they push people that the love the most away, and I think it's due to fear or embarassement. We know too much so they have to get rid of us because they can't accept what they have, my gf is the victim of BP and is using it as a scapegoat for her problems and to hide things from people.

She will come clean sometime, I know in a few weeks Ill see her at university and things will have changed again; she's a very moral person, at least the one I fell in love with, but that person has disappeared right now. I feel like she will come back to me, say she misses me, and hopefully confess that she cheated. It's pertinent to us ever having the slightest chance of getting back what we had.

My advice is this, keep the NC for a bit and then start slow. It sounds like your girl is similar to mine in her train of emotional thoughts. It must be very hard for her too being unmedicated. My gf is medicated and I think she needs to a) either get new meds, or b) go off meds and seek out therapy to help her cope. If you love her, stand by her. I did that for 4 months until she just kicked me out of her life slowly, it's very emotionally draining and really makes you wonder what you did wrong. The answer has nothing to do with you though, it's 100% them. Even now that I've broken up with my gf, I know that sometime down the line I would get back with her if she would agree to a few things and be 100% honest. Honesty is a relationships greatest feature, if you can't respect someone and be honest with them the relationship likely won't work out.

Again, if you really like/love her, give the time to come around and take it slow, set boundaries for the relationship. I wish I had done that over the summer, it might have kept us stronger, but instead I let her get distant and she broke my heart. Sometimes I don't think they fully understand the consequences of their actions, that their ability to change moods can REALLY affect their thought process and make them do impulsive things or hold untrue feelings. Your girl is a special person, so love her if you can, but don't forget about your happiness. Chances are if she's left once, or cheated once, she might do it again someday if you don't set boundaries. I've been reading these forums since early July and it seems that this is how poeple with BP deal with things, and after educating myself about their cycles, all the stories I've read make more and more sense. I love my gf, I am crushed, but she needs love too and will come back for it. I truly believe this. I hope this has helped
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replied August 19th, 2013
Thanks for the support.

Yes it's hard. Hard as hell.

When she ended, she said she's not bipolar at the moment. So I don't know. But they would never admit it. But you don't cuddle and confort and hug, kiss ... someone in the bed for the entire night if you end it. You don't say that person to keep your apartment keys, when I wanted to return them. It's weird.

On Wednesday morning it will be two weeks when I saw and talked to her the last time. I don't know if she misses me or if she will come back someday. I don't know.

But it's not normal to be very in love for a little over a month and then a few days latter to say that she was in love with me only for 3-4 days. You can't fake that for so long. It' not normal for one day to say that you like me, the next that you feel nothing for me and then a few days latter again something different.
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replied August 21st, 2013
someguy11
hope my story help as messed up as it sounds theirs still feelings their.

as far what said about it not being normal with being in love for month or two is true cuz my ex-gf is exactly the same way too and it scare's me some me at time's i'm not gonna i feel like i've lost her and scared i won't get her back,and that is very true cuz she said the same exact words and has done same thing,and i hear you thats i don't if well start over or be more then just friends or friends at all,like i said i feel like i lost my bestfriend today she made facebook about her self and i told her how felt about it like noramlly do and support her which i did today.
Like even after few days she stop talking me we last talked is when came visit her for three days then when sunday came around and i told how felt and was glad we talked about are issue's and are relationship after i said more she just stop talking me,except for day but she didn't say much too me that hurt bro then..later this after she finally re spawned to my facebook message and wanted be alone and by her self,i told i understood and she stop talking to me.

then starts making random facebook post's,i don't i never know if be honest with me or telling the truth anymore.
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replied August 19th, 2013
exactly, this is what happens with my ex/gf, whatever we are. Seriously she would tell me off, say that her feelings had vanished; then a few days later send me a text saying she loves me and needs me in her life. Since we broke she hasn't really contacted me other than to say that she saw a couple we use to hang out with and they say hi! I feel like she didn't even tell them we split up... Bi-polar is always there, it is something people with BP live with for their entire life. Don't believe that junk, its her moods that change constantly which effect her emotions, nothing more. When she decides to get help she will be more stable. I wish this for my ex gf because I know she deserves it and when she is stable I know she loves me with all her heart
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replied August 19th, 2013
Yeah. She was telling me for two or three weeks before the second break up that she's feeling single. Some day she would said to me something like "one day i'm angry with you and would just like to end all this with you, but then there are days that i quite like it".

Perhaps this time it's different. I don't know. But after we got back together the first time, she told me "thanks for being persistent and not walking away".

She seems happy now (looking at what she posts on her facebook). She also looked happy during the first break up. She told me that she needs to start living and start going back out among people (meeting her friends). I never ever ever told her that we should stay at home, that she can't or mustn't go somewhere, do something, meet someone ... Never. Not once.
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replied August 19th, 2013
And right now she unfriended me on a facebook. Without a word. I guess it's over now for good.
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replied August 20th, 2013
OMG. All of you sound pathetic. Why in the world would you let a chic treat you like that? Are you crazy too? Do you think this is normal? All of you have made so many excuses for this terrible behavior. Come on dudes, grow a pair and find someone who won't treat you like crap.
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replied August 20th, 2013
That's the next step Carl, for sure. I made peace with my ex, I let it go. We don't deserve to be treated this way at all, and the best thing is to walk away and hold NC. Let them come to you but don't let them in, make them suffer and earn your respect and love if they come back to you. True relationships are built around honesty, respect, and the ability to grow together, not grow apart! Someguy11, Id suggest letting go and living your life. Make yourself happy and you'll find someone who truly deserves you; if you happen to end up with your gf again after doing all this, then maybe it was meant to be; but, i wouldn't sit around waiting, move forward and you'll see the light! Friendship can be a good thing too
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replied August 20th, 2013
yea your right carladsaysNo i huge conversation last night about this with my one of my ex's who now i've been become more close and she now wants back in my life we've been came close friends since all this she doesn't support my decision with whole lets be "bestfriends" with ex amber the story up top as mentioned and my situation and atleast i can admit it no matter how much i love her for all f'd up things she's done me everyday for past month i've been think about it,yea she worrie's about me her name's bayja idk just talking to her made realized alot i can't change her either can her mom she can only her self yet alone is mad immature and whole bunch of other cruel things i wanna say cuz i'm not afraid to admit it,their no excuse what my ex amber did to me.
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replied February 1st, 2014
Bipolar GF
My advice to everyone is just look for a healthy person...why not at least look and see what else is out there? If you get back with your bipolar person and things are stable for awhile then great...but in the mean time just date...don't feel guilty just go out find someone you like and flirt! The only way to break the cycle of abuse in these abusive relationships is to go out and find something different. To appease your anxiety of whether you will find someone else with all her good qualities then stay with them until you find someone. Being in a relationship with a bipolar person is like being in a horrible job...you don't want to quit your job because you are afraid you might not find another job...but why cant you keep your job and at the same time be looking for another one? I believe if you are in an abusive relationship it is time to look for another one...time to look for another job people! We deserve better...don't let love cloud the situation...because I guarantee sure as @#$% they don't let love cloud their decisions of breaking up with you...even if they are capable of love. Did you ever stop and think about that? Are they even capable of loving another person? I don't think they are, maybe at times the feeling of love is there for them depending on their mood, but when that hammer falls with their "I think we need to take a break #$%^ mood" then its like the love they felt is erased from their minds and has to be built up again, like a flower that dies. It's almost like bipolar people suffer from some sort of
love amnesia at times. The bottom line is don't feel guilty to look for someone else while you are with them, because what if you lose out on someone that is going to give you what you deserve in a relationship? We all deserve to be loved, yes its work to be in any relationship, but we shouldn't have to be worked to the point of abuse to sustain it. Sometimes I wonder if im more mentally ill than my bipolar girlfriend for staying with her, and walking on egg shells around her. I mean do I have such low self esteem, or such a fear of not finding someone else that I have come to the point of having a mental illness myself? Those of us that have put up with bipolar people in our lives in one sense we are some of the strongest toughest battle tested people on the planet because of the @#$% we put up with and the caring and love we still give them, but in another sense we are some of the weakest people out there. We settle for mediocrity, we doubt our own worth to the point of taking excruciating amounts of pain, it's almost like it is some kind of penance for us. Like we are the classic case of battered woman syndrome, we think its our fault for them being angry or not loving us, and we don't want to leave because we love the person that is the good part of them..so we try harder to please and that only makes them respect us less. It's the classic case of abuse whether the abuser can control it, or is conscious of it or not. The question to stay or to wash your hands is dependent on the situation of how much abuse you are willing to take...value and risk is what my business professor always says...how much do you value the good things about them and what are you willing to risk or give for it? That answer is yours alone. Let me leave you with this...it is so much better to be in a healthy relationship that will make you happy most of the time than in a relationship that will only make you happy some of the time. Love is great...but it can be horrible also..it can be one of the most beautiful and rewarding feelings in the world, or it can crush you like a bug. Beat back the bad love, beat it back, fight it, run from it, do everything in your power to chase down the good love. In a sense good love is the only protection you have against bad love. Its not easy to find, but it's out there, now go find it!
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replied February 5th, 2014
JOE02841, You said it...everything I talked about with my mom last night. I don't know that they are capable of love. He used to tell me when breaking up, "I said I loved you because that was what I was feeling at the time". It turns on and off. He told me in an e-mail that he could switch his emotions off and that's how he dealt with loss (as if he really has control over it). That's not normal. My agonizing painful grief over the loss of my 5-year friendship, lover, family, fiance is ripping me apart after 1 1/2 mos..why? because love doesn't just die or go away... not for normal people. I guess for him because he found a quick replacement and is so focused on that now. Funny for a guy who yelled at me that he would never want any of this (relationship) and wanted to just 'be on his own'. He sure got into something really fast and seems to be focused on working towards a relationship with this one....guess he beat me to the punch as far as looking for someone before getting out. Everyone feels he was planning this for a while. An opportunity presented itself to him during his time of mania and he based his decision to rip our family apart in order to do, as he said, "what he felt was best for him" and ultimately everyone in the long run. He should explain that to his children who lost a step-mom to be who they loved and loved them back, and will now have to endure, yet, a third woman in their lives who will probably get booted once she becomes too familiar, clingy, demanding and/or uninteresting after a while.
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replied June 22nd, 2014
yah, i met a girl online. we played games and were only friends for a month talking with eachother from morning to night. She wanted to meet me but i said i didnt want a relationship cuz everybody just leaves. then she said she would leave me as a friend if i didnt see her, so i did. Then i sadly fell in love, 6 weeks down the road. she started getting annoyed by small stuff, we were out together and then she all of the sudden wanted to go home. i said ok, then 30 minutes later she called and asked if we could meet up again. this happend a few times.
she had told me shes bipolar and depressed, adhd. everything bad childhood. I didnt care i truly loved her with all my heart. She could have moments when she started crying all of the sudden saying i didnt love her and stuff for a few hours, then just like that was happy again.
well now she has blocked my phone and everything i could contact her on for the 3 time. waiting here still.
ive since a few days back trying to find out info on bipolar stuff, and i rly dont know i would take her back instantly still, i love her
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