I'm bipolar, and spend 75% of my time in depression and anger. I'm rarely manic in any form, and it's even more uncommon for me to be in line with society's view of "normal". My best friend is also bipolar, and I haven't seen her happy yet. She tends to follow a never ending cycle of depressive-silent, depressive-ranting, and manic-bloodrage. I don't blame her for it; in fact, even if she wasn't bipolar, I'd still find it surprising if she weren't upset all the time. She's been a victim of severe physical and sexual abuse, and she's constantly having to deal with her boyfriend being in the emergency room two or three times a day. In my case, I was a victim of neglect, minor physical abuse, and rape, among other things. In short, our lives suck. And the fact that we both tend to hallucinate and have flashbacks regularly makes it all that much worse.

It's like we're stuck in a circle of bringing each other down. She gets a text saying her siblings were killed in a drive-by shooting and emotionally crashes, I fight my own emotions in an attempt to help her stay non-suicidal, worrying about her makes ME depressed, then my bottled up emotions explode at me and I crash, and she's stuck worrying about me on top of her own issues, then I feel guilty for making her worry, and round and round it goes. We try to be there for each other, cuz we've had similar experiences and we know what it's like to be bipolar victims of an extremely harsh world. We have an understanding with each other we don't have with anyone else. But we just can't seem to be able to help each other because we tend to make our own emotions worse in reaction to helping the other.

I only have two human beings I trust with my life and emotions, and she's one of them. I'm her only trusted outlet for the bigger pent up emotions. I feel like we're standing like a house of cards; the only reason we're standing at all is because we're leaning against each other, but it doesn't take much to bring the house down. Eventually we're going to hit a point of no return. It's like one person is drowning, so another person who can't swim jumps in to save them, and now we're both in trouble.

If I stay with her, we're going to doom each other to eternal unhappiness, but if I leave it might be the straw on the camel's back. She's had enough people abandon her because they can't handle the stress, and I don't want to be the last one on that list (or on that list at all), but I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. What should I do? HELP!
Did you find this post helpful?
|

replied December 17th, 2009
Hi Outcast.

I myself am Bipolar, and wow you and your friend have had some really tough things happen to you. When you combine extremely negative life circumstances with bipolar it is definitely not pretty. In response to your question, if I were you I would definitely NOT end the relationship with your friend. I think that if you both fight hard enough you may be able to transform things from destructive to constructive. It seems like you guys have got to team up and "beat" the illness together. The problem is.. your life situations make it incredibly hard to overcome depression because you both have dealt with very traumatic events. Regardless, if I were in your position I would definitely stay in the relationship and try your best to prevent each other from spiraling down more because in the end I think you guys understand each-other so well that you have a better shot at beating the illness together rather than apart. I mean honestly, you're probably more likely to beat bipolar with the help of someone else who understands it than with the help of a therapist who has no idea what its like to be in the shoes of someone who's bipolar. You guys have just got to cultivate a lot of will power, love, faith, and hope. I know it's very hard in depression, but you really don't have a choice unless you want to be incapacitated. You're very lucky you have someone else to talk to like your friend. I don't really know anyone who can possibly relate to my own struggle.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied December 17th, 2009
Experienced User
perhaps do something. do something to make you happy. some goal. struggle to do it, and acheive. what would you like to do.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 17th, 2009
I don't know. I usually consider myself lucky when I survive another day, and I'm pretty sure she does too. For us, the future is tomorrow. The flashbacks and hallucinations (which have HORRIBLE effects when mixed, by the way) happen at least once a day, if not five or six times, so it's too hard to plan farther then a day or two ahead because there's almost certainty of a crash that'll screw with any plans. And I was raised by parents who've always told me it's "okay that I don't know anything; I have adults to tell me what to do". It's resulted in a lack of self-identity, self-will, and self-interest. I don't know what I want, what to think, what to do. I've never been given a chance to learn how.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 18th, 2009
Hey,

I can definitely relate to your comment about your parents instilling that attitude in you, though not really from my experience with my parents, but more with my experience with society in general. Unfortunately we live in a society that does NOT encourage "self-will", "self-identity",and "self-interest". Instead, people are indoctrinated with certain beliefs that society deems "right" and "appropriate". From an early age we are told how to think, what to think, and what to say. For the most part, those who think they have a "self-identity" and "self-will" don't have it.. they are just slaves to the system and slaves to themselves. That is because most people are easily suggestible to external influences. They'd rather be led by the hand and absorb everything they see and hear as factual than try and think for themselves and develop their own opinion.

And so now we have a bunch of people who pretty much think a like. We have a bunch of drones. Those of us who see things from a clearer, saner perspective often have a harder time adjusting to all of this madness. And so for me at least, it has often felt like a "me against the world" attitude when I try to figure out "what I want, what I ought to think, and what I should do" because I'm constantly going against the norms since the norms disgust me. But that's the path I've chosen. I'd rather develop and strengthen my own subjective views on life and reality then bow down to the masses or authority figures and listen to them. Hence, I basically believe in only myself and no one else. And it is like navigating through a dark, dark place. But what can I say? That's the price I have to pay for being "aware" about the path humanity is now taking. Unfortunately, we have to fight for our individuality.. it's a constant struggle but it's worth it.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 18th, 2009
I know that's how society works. But for me it goes deeper than a lack of ability to think and act different than society; I don't know how to think at all. I can't even make the most simple decisions myself. What to wear, what to eat for breakfast, what opinion to have about anything...I just can't. People ask me what I want to be when I grow up, and I don't have a clue. It's so far ingrained into me that I always have to walk behind someone else if we're going to the same place, even if I'm the one showing them how to get there. Even when I walk "beside" them my shoulder is ALWAYS at least 6 inches behind theirs; I HAVE to have someone in front of me. Whenever I tried to say something that started with "I think..." my parents always interrupted and told me to "leave the thinking to people with more life experience". I don't know HOW to think for myself on ANY level because I've never been given a chance, never learned how to. When someone asks me what I want, I shrug and let them choose. Because I really don't know.
|
Did you find this post helpful?
Must Read
Do you know what bipolar is exactly? And what types of bipolar do doctors classify and diagnose? Learn more basics about bipolar disorder here....
Can stress put you at risk of developing bipolar disorder? Read here for information on risk factors which increase the likelihood that someone becomes bipolar....
Bipolar is difficult to diagnose as an illness ... but bipolar symptoms are usually accompanied by extreme changes. What are the symptoms of bipolar disorder?...